Sugar, Spice, Not Everything's Nice.

30 Hours and a Minute

2011-07-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

So I was awake for 40 hours this weekend. And when I finally got home I slept like a baby for 12 hours. :)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

So 21 hours before that it was Friday, 3 pm.

FRIDAY 3 PM (Awake for :00 seconds)

I woke up knowing that it was going to be a tiring weekend. I had a lot planned and I was excited to just have fun. Turning the TV on, I watched Kim and her sisters take over Miami. While I was doing so, I was preparing for the first activity after my last last shift for the week.

I left home 2 hours before my shift and managed to stay awake the entire night. I had a lot of things to finish, and I did, with a few more hours to spare in the shift to just relax.

Anyway, I cannot wait for 8:30 am.

____

SATURDAY 8:30 AM (Awake for 16 hours)

So I finally got into the FX that Volts got for the trip to Taytay. I was pretty tired by this time, but at the same time I was looking forward to real relaxation under the sun - or in this case - the cumulonimbus clouds.

____

SATURDAY 10:00 AM (Awake for 18 hours)

Club Manila East, in Taytay, Rizal, is one of the biggest resorts that I have been so far. It was so big, in fact, that I honestly haven't been to it's four corners yet. No need to, though, as the pools are more important than checking on the perimeters of the place.

I was immediately drawn to the kayak pool right in front of our cabana. I wanted to try it before, but I was afraid that the kayak might sink. So this was the perfect opportunity to actually try it out. So I did ride one - and I had fun. I never though kayaking was going to be this fun. It was being independent once again. You see, I haven't been on a boat aside from the one from Burnham Park, so I really had fun.

____

SATURDAY 7:00 PM (Awake for 28 hours and counting)

The kiddie pool in CME proved to be a haven for children. There are numerous fountains and a small slide. And it was the perfect place to catch up on gossip. Kelly, Pinky, Kit, and I were sitting beside the fountain while Kit's daughter, Fiona, was enjoying the water.

This was the first time in a long time that we had time to actually just talk about anything. We belonged to the same team before - Kit was our Team Lead. Kelly became Work Force and Pinky was in Claims. I was promoted to Team Lead and Kit is now my manager. And apparently, Fiona thinks I am nice. At least I think she thinks I am nice. So she now calls me Tito Chaz.

Fiona asked me if I was going to CME next weekend. I was not paying attention so I said yes. I was starting to feel tired.

____

SATURDAY 9:00 PM (30 hours so far)

I was so tired by this time, though, that when Fiona asked me if I had desks when I was Grade 1 (I have no idea how we got that far into my life), I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the 7 year old pointed out that I fell asleep and demanded that I answer her question. That kid is real funny.

So we had a party to go to, that is why I was waiting for my manager. Via, my friend and former quality coach, had her "24th" birthday, and was having her party at the house of her boyfriend and multimillionaire Jobo* (*name withheld for security purposes).

____

SATURDAY 11:30 PM (22 hours, and 30 minutes awake)

We arrived at Casa De Elitista and we immediately had dinner - lovely barbeque and UBER HOT Chili Pasta. I loved the pasta so much I was planning to bring home some. Unfortunately a few hours later I forgot to ask for some since I was too drunk to even think straight.

The party lasted until the sun was up. Or should I say, the cumulonimbus clouds were up.

____

SUNDAY 6:00 am (29 hours awake)

It was raining cats and dogs and a good friend of Via offered a ride to EDSA. I agreed and together with the Centennial Becky Leo Maurithio and BFF Arlene A, we started the ride back home.

The ride was a memorable one, as in this trip, BFF Alo said she have not tasted NUTRIBUN yet. I would never forget her statement. In gay language, nutribun translates to the male sexual organ. Derived from the Filipino Gay word "Nota", nutribun offers a more graceful term for the commonly used - and most favorite part of the human anatomy - of gay people everywhere. Brava Mama Alo. It was the wonderful cap to the end of my tiresome 30 hours.

_____

SUNDAY 7:00 am

Ahhh... I never missed my bed as much as I did this time. I did not even take a shower. I just lay at my bed and remembered how much fun my weekend started.

_____

SUNDAY 7:01 am (30 hours and 1 minute awake)

I finally slept.

It was a tiring - but fun - start of the weekend.

Can't wait for the long weekend in September.

I wonder what plans would I have by that time. :)

Of The Volcanoes and Amy Winehouse

2011-07-24T06:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a year - well, more than a year - from the last time that I wrote down something. It's either my busy schedule or the fact that my life has indeed become so boring that I can't even tell who I am anymore.

Anyway, a lot of shocking things had happened this past few weeks that I cannot help but just say something about it!

First order of business:

The removal of the Philippine Volcanoes billboard at EDSA-Guadalupe because of the complaints from "concerned citizens."

I mean, WHAT THE F!!!! I would not mind passing by Guadalupe on a Friday night or a Saturday Morning or any time - even if there is horrendous traffic at that area almost all the time - if this billboard was still up!

When I heard about the removal of the billboards, the first thing I though was - WHY CANT THEY REMOVE THE BILLBOARDS of almost naked women too?! The overly pathetic Patriarchal mentality of this country just shows that it is OK to let women flaunt around in their underwear, but men need to remain clothed and "respected".

What is wrong with a man wearing underwear for all the world to see? This are strong men who just managed to look good in briefs and balls!

For the "concerned citizens" who wanted the billboards removed - you should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you explain why you wanted the billboards removed? We need an explanation! We NEED the Philippine Volcanoes!!!

Second:

Amy Winehouse's untimely death.

I had dreams of Amy. I wanted to meet her in person!

When one of my bestfriends, Kiko, introduced me to her music, I was instantly hooked. Her voice is completely different from what I have grown up hearing on the radio. I was addicted to her songs. Too bad she only has a few songs under her sleeves. I was looking forward to buying another album from her.

Her life has been under the scrutiny of the public for a long period of time. She had her ups and downs. And she never got out of the God forsaken depression that just dug a bigger hole around her.

Her death at the young age of 27 proves one thing - that no matter how young a person is, fame can get the best of anyone. She never wanted to be famous. She just wanted to sing - her music was her passion. She will be missed.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2010-06-21T23:57:00.001-07:00

How far can you go for the pursuit of real happiness?

My friend quoted a line from the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness", about not having a Y in the word itself. It is true, there is no Y in the word.

It is a very powerful statement. It is not just a play in letters. It is the fact that to be real happy, there shouldn't be any "WHYs".

Why should you be happy? Because you have to.

Why aren't there any Y's in the word happiness? Because in order to be happy, you only have to go with the flow.

A friend is having a real difficult time right now, trying to be happy, and actually finding someone to make him happy, only to learn that there might be a little hitch. Seems that not everything perfect seems to be exactly what it is.

I am having an equally difficult task of being the Devil's Advocate, trying to lessen his burden by letting him know what the pros and cons are in this decision that he has to make. I want him to find real happiness, and so far he seems blissful. But it would be all blissful until someone realizes that he should not have gone this far.

What makes me happy, you might ask... It is being able to be myself, without judgment from anyone. Sounds kinda hard to achieve right? Believe me, it is. In fact, I have never felt real happiness for a while.

People think that happiness comes with another person you can call your better half. Others think that true bliss comes from money, and having lots of it. I personally believe that happiness can only be realize when you feel satisfaction.

And right, we can never really be fully satisfied right.

No matter how hard we try, although we would be able to feel real happiness once in a while, it can never be full. It is the fact of life - the pursuit of happiness is never ending. And it continuously changes.

So to my friend, who seeks the answer to his question, I wish you good luck in realizing what you want. Remember, I will always be here to lend you a shoulder. You can count on that.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

2010-06-20T11:13:00.001-07:00

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I only spoke this six words twice, three times at most, and every time I say them, the hair at the back of neck stand on end. I am getting older everyday and it's not funny.

A couple of days ago, on our way to SM Makati to buy some things for Fat(slimming)Beki, we passed by an unfamiliar site, something that I have only seen in movies. It was surreal, and although it was so morbid, I knew it was a site worth seeing.

This guy was lying face down in front of the condominium building. He was wearing nice clothes. He looked tall, trim, clean. His shoes where buffed. And he was dead. There was a whole lot of people around the area, just looking around, busybodies who wanted to get a piece of the action. This is real life drama folks. Real life murder - as what I have read after 2 days.

It made me think. This guy was successful. He was at the peak of his life as a bachelor. He almost had everything. Until he lost his life.

Browsing through the gay Social Networking site I have been a member of for years, I saw a profile of someone who professed at being HIV+. In the profile was a link for his blog, which I read. I was amazed, how someone like him could be strong enough to write about something that causes him pain - every day. I admire this person's strength, I would never be that strong.

There was a story about a person who hit his head with a hammer endlessly. He went to the doctor and the doctor asked why he was doing it. "Because it feels so good when I stop doing it."

Life is a bowl of cherries. It has pits.
Life is gambling. You will never know when you would win.
Life is disappointing, but you'll never get what you want if you just stay in the shadows.

I am going to live my life - even if it means that I am actually older than 25. :)

First Time

2010-01-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

Your lips touched my cheek.

My world turned.

Lips then touched mine.

I want this.

I have never felt this way before.

Minor?!

2009-09-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, after work:

Buying a pack of death sticks, the old man asked how old I was.

Stunned, I was not able to reply to his question.

Then, he asked again.

"Ilang taon ka na?"

Desperately salivating over a stick of menthols, I woke up and realized the man thought I was a minor.

"27." I replied.

Charot man o hindi, he made my day.

Sarap maging minor. HAHAHA.

Shut Up and Drink Your Slimming Tea

2009-08-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

God, can you make them stop???

A couple of days ago, the maintenance guys working at the building I was living at started to clean the pool that was left abandoned for the longest time. I haven't seen a drop of clean, chlorinated water in the pool since I have moved in, just garbage and rainwater that fills it up halfway.

"Gee," I wondered, maybe they just wanted to make everything shiny and new. I

was starting to think about my pool outfit.

Then, just yesterday, guys started bringing in big kleig lights. Were they having a photo shoot? A movie shoot?

Waking up last night, I saw that the entire pool was painted in graffiti. It was a commercial. And when I started fantasizing about actually being discovered as a commercial model and eventually starring along side my beloved Piolo Pascual, I realized it was a commercial for a slimming drink.

The words "L-CARNATINE" were painted all over one wall.

And so my dreams crumbled, and I cannot sleep because the actors cannot get their act right. The director kept on shouting "Retake!!!". Hay...

Can someone please, make them stop... :(

Prince Charming

2009-08-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

The challenge is to keep yourself from falling.

"But no matter how hard you try not to, eventually, you are going to fall in love. So you have to go with the flow. Let the current take you wherever it goes. Sooner or later it would come back to where it originated."

It is a tried and tested method. For those who are asking what the hell I am talking about, let me tell you a short story about this lovely young lad that we are to call Leo.

♥♥♥

For years he has been searching for the true love's kiss. Fueled by Giselle's captivating song, about meeting Prince Charming, he has searched high and low for that special someone that will knock him off his feet. And no matter how many times he got hurt, he kept on searching for love. Until that one fateful night when Prince Charming indeed came, but with another prince in tow.

His heart, bleeding like the waterfall near their town, finally gave up. He knew he was never to fall in love again.

One day, after months of having senseless sexual affiliations with numerous lads around the glen, an old wise wizard came.

The wizard was bedazzled by the youth's uncanny beauty.

"I would like to love you," the wizard said.

"You can't," Leo said. "I cannot- and will never- fall in love ever again."

The wizard frowned, knowing he can never have the young lad, but being wise, gave him a few words of advise.

"Do not dwell in being alone for a long period of time. I have been there, and now that I would love to fall in love again, I am already irrevocably cynical about love," he said.

"I am happy where I am. At least I wouldn't be hurt anymore."

"Are you afraid to fall in love again?" the wizard asked.

"Yes." the young lad said.

"It is a challenge to keep yourself from falling in love with someone that makes you happy, especially if you see a lot of things about him that makes you come back for more."

Leo faced the wizard and cried, knowing that it is true.

"But no matter how hard you try not to, eventually, you are going to fall in love. So you have to go with the flow. Let the current take you wherever it goes. Sooner or later it would come back to where it originated."

With the final statement, the old wise wizard stood up and continued walking.

Leo was left alone, knowing what to do, and admitting that he is just afraid to fall in love again, he started to search again for his Prince Charming.

♥♥♥

Blah blah blah

2009-08-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since the last time I got to write something. And guess what? Even while I am typing, I am actually having second thoughts in finishing this blog entry.

My life has been such a rollercoaster this past few weeks. There would be times when I would be so happy. Then there would be times when I am so down it would take more than just a joke to bring me back to life. But hey, we have to move forward, right?

Honestly, I have been thinking about life, in it's entirety. I am not getting any younger, and though I know that I have more up my sleeves, I am starting to give up. I am starting to think that this is where I'll end up in a few more years, alone and broke, living everyday until the next day - I more than pessimistic. I am a disaster.

Seeing other people around me happy always made me happy. But now, bitterness has surged into my veins like an awful poison, destroying the precious nerves that makes me feel. I am now numb from everything. Not even Kris Aquino's tears make me cry anymore - nor laugh.

What is happening to me? The mere question brings me to a boil, angry at the world that does not seem to care at all, whatever happens to me. I could drop dead in the middle of Ayala and everyone else would be walking past me, not knowing my name, not a care in the world.

Maybe, just maybe, there would be a time when this ramblings would end, but for now, when the rest of the world rests their weary feet, I continue walking. I think, if I would continue walking, life would just slip by, and maybe I would reach the end of my journey.

See, I can't even think of a better title for this entry. Hay buhay.

Uber Lesbo Moment

2009-06-27T06:22:00.000-07:00

Before I start with this blog entry, I apologize for the blog title. i know some people might react, but let me tell you one thing - if you see Megan Fox, tell her I LOVE HER!!!

Megan Fox is someone I'd sleep with anytime. Sorry boys, if Megan Fox was in the room, you'd have to wait your turn.

I am TOTALLY lesbian right now. Just look at these pics!!!!

'Nuff said. I am officially a lesbian.

Sugar Overload

2009-05-31T03:23:00.000-07:00

The minute I woke up that noon I knew I wanted to eat something sweet. However, true to my intentions of making my budget last till I get my first pay check, I decided I'd let go of my desires and just get on with the very spartanistic essentials.

So, Rei and I decided to head out to our "favorite" tapsilogan and just pig out on a medium sized fried pork, sunny side up egg and 2 cups of garlic rice - this has been our staple food since I started living here in Manila. After eating with much gusto (or just too fast cause I did not have any breakfast before going to bed), there is was again. I knew instantly that I wanted to eat some chocolate cookies, or pretzels. Deciding that it was just give a small hole on my pocket, we immediately headed to the nearest Mini-Stop.

There it was. A pint of heavenly ice cream, and much to Rei's delight, it was his favorite brand and flavor - Coffee Crumble. It was like a myth coming true, like Ibong Adarna na was rarely seen. Or the Himalayan Yeti, whose existence is still doubted and considered to be a myth, because of the rarity of it being seen.

Like a child, Rei pulled out the pint of ice cream from the freezer, and, just like a child, looked at it with awe. I knew instantly he'd buy it. And although he was also on a budget, like me, he wanted to splurge. It was a day after his birthday after all - sort of a post-birthday celebration, he said.

Once we got back to the apartment, we started digging in. It was, with no other words to describe it - heaven. I have not had any ice cream for as long as I could remember, and sitting at the living room, just talking about everything, puffing white smoke and eating cold, cold, ice cream, we were in nirvana.

After eating the pint of ice cream in a frenzy, we decided to sleep it out, we had work that night anyway, and we have to get a good "night's" rest.

Needless to say, the sugar laden ice cream gave us so much energy that we were not able to sleep that well for the rest of day. I woke up groggy, and my entire body aches.

I don't think I regret eating ice cream though. It was one of the few things that made me happy during my stay here in Manila. I remember, in college, I used to eat a whole pint of ice cream all by myself. This was during the time when I felt most alone in my life. This was also the period where I started developing my habit of stress eating. Now that I am more grown up, I could say that a few minutes with the company of one of my good friends - with his stories, cigarettes, good heart, and a pint of Coffee Crumble - makes life bearable.

I'd love to have another Sugar Overload moments like this. It makes me forget I miss home, even for just a little while.

Becks and the City: Part Deux

2009-05-03T01:44:00.000-07:00

The first day of the fifth month of the year. Thousands of people around the Philippines flock to Manila for various reason.

Hundreds of people carry placards, asking the Filipino governent to oust the incumbent president to step down from her post. They hope that in any event that Her Excellence resigns from her position, the economy of this once great country improves.

Thousands of people bring resumes to job fairs, knowing that they are just one step in getting a better chance in life. These people get in queues, 4 copies of 1x1 pictures in hand, praying that by the end of the day they get a job that would drastically change their way of living.

One gay guy sits at his friends room, not doing anything, wondering what tomorow would bring.

It took me a quarter of a century to finally realize that I had to do something about my life. And now, I am here, at the Capital of the Philippines, joining generations of Filipino people who have braved the heat and pollution to get a bird's eye view of the real deal.

It has been a couple of days since I boarded that bus to Manila. And though I know I will have a very hectic Monday, I have tried to relax and just enjoy my stay at my friend's house.

I have not had any decent sleep since the first night. I have been tossing and turning on the bed i share with Rei, thinking - consciously and subconciously - about the start of my life here in Manila.

On my first day here, he toured me around the compound that would be my home for a month, and the amenities were very comfortable. A swimming pool and clubhouse a block away from our building, and a market place two blocks from the compound, makes it easier to live here.

I wonder if I would be able to get a domicile just like this, without hurting my budget. I know, I am a single gay guy with nothing to look after but myself. But then again, I want to be able to save enough money so that I can afford stuff for the house when my mom comes back to the Philippines for good.

I never really thought that I'd eventually work in Manila when I was young. I thought life in Baguio would be a breeze. But then again, with the worldwide recession and the lack of very rewarding job opportunities in Baguio, Manila started calling me again. It was like I was being drawn to a flame, like a moth. A couple of years ago, after resigning from my first call center job, I has serious thoughts of moving to Manila. Then the company I previously worked for opened up. I stayed there for more than 2 years, but within that period, I can still hear Manila's pleasures whispering in my ear, begging me to come.

And so here I am, eager to start working again, after a hiatus of more than a month.

The first day of the fifth month of the year brings with it a sense of longing for a lot of people - the dreams of being able to get through life. People hope of becoming better. They wish that they get a better chance in life. And as funny as it sounds, though a lot of people just realize this every time Labor Day comes, it is that one special day that makes us want to be better individuals.

The Courageous "Almost - Beauty Queen"

2009-04-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

The recent Miss USA pageant has been supported by millions of Americans. And, here in the Philippines, though the competition does not directly affect our country in anyway, millions still tune in to their television sets to watch who will win the said pageant.

For the many years that I have worked with events, I have seen pageant backstages littered with gay people. The Event Coordinators are mostly gay. Make-up artists. Alalays. It would be an understatement if we say that gay people are the life of the beauty pageant. Without us, beauty pageants will just be a competition to see who makes most men drool.

I have great respect for Miss Carrie Prejean, the representative from the State of California for the recently concluded Miss USA, 2009. She voiced out her opinion about Gay Marriage. She did not hesitate to give her point of view, and this, in fact, makes her a really intelligent person.

But, though I have great respect for her, I believe it but right that the crown was given to someone else, to Miss North Carolina. Miss California's beliefs were aired out just when the entire country - and the entire world - has been eagerly waiting for the rights of Gay men to be recognized.

I am not for the United States of America, nor am I an American citizen, but I am a citizen of the world. I am a proud homosexual, and though I do not believe in marriage, I believe in the right of each and every person to choose who they want to love - straight or gay.

To Miss Prejean - I applaud your courage to speak out your beliefs, even when you know that your answer might cost you the crown. Your strength in answering a question about gay relationships from a famous gay man may have been one of the most courageous things that someone has ever done - in front of an audience and the entire world - but then again, you have to admit that you are not the only person living in this world. If you were gay you would also fight for what you believe in and what you want in your life.

Here is the video, watch it and let me know your thoughts.

Creative Juices

2009-04-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

I am just a year after my first quarter of a century and I already feel like all the creative juices I once had flowing in veins have already dried up. Talk about Creative Menopause.

I have been dreaming of making - or even starring - in a film. An Indie Film, if you may. Ever since I watched my former boss passionately kiss a known Filipino Actor, I have dreamed of making my own name in the Filipino Film scene. Oh well.

I made a short clip with my friend, Piper, using my cellphone. It turned out to be good - it was, in my mind, a success. But when I started viewing it again, my finger had a mind of it's own and clicked delete. There. Without any fuss. I wondered what it would be like if it wasn't deleted from my phone's memory. "The public will survive," I thought. It was a half-hearted attempt to place my name beside Chito Rono and Soxie Topacio.

It was after I deleted the video that I realized that I have lost all my Creative senses. I have always been proud of being a Jack (or Jane) of all trades. I can cook, I can sew. I write novels. I create poems. I even tried to make a career out of event before. And yet, even if I have already started stuff, I end up sitting up on my bed, thinking how boring my life is.

I started this blog years ago, hoping that someday, some people would get a whiff of it and the blog would eventually end up in a magazine article, praising my prose, and my talent in writing. I have not given up that hope yet, but then again, without the "juice", I think I may eventually run out of ideas. A writer's blog.

It has been weeks since the last time that I found something I can actually write about. And now, here, I am writing about something that I might have lost. Talk about ironic.

I plan to create a beautiful living space once I get an apartment in Manila. Now I want to put my hands on interior decorating. Wow. I can't believe by writing this article, I would restart my passion of creating something beautiful.

I should write more often. It makes my brain work. It has been on "park" for almost two months.

Manila Girl

2009-03-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

I am leaving Baguio.

These are the four words that I have dreamed of speaking ever since I tasted independence.

Every night, after I got the job at a company based in Makati, I have though about that sentence.

Over and over again.

This is it. I am finally leaving Baguio City.

I have lived my entire life in the Summer Capital of the Philippines. Except for the four years I spent in Pangasinan during college, I breathed in pine-scented air every morning. I cuddled my beloved pillow and stayed under the sheets to brave the cold climate. I have spent countless hours just staring out my bedroom window, gazing into the mountains covered in fog. I enjoyed my life in Baguio, but it has become boring - like Megan Mullaly's talk show.

It became stale a couple of years ago, but yet I decided to stay because I was not yet ready.

A friend once told me that I had great potential, and that going to Manila would make me a better individual.

It took me almost a decade to finally realize that I have to get out of my comfort zone and expand my horizon.

Manila, the capital of the Philippines, is a business, fashion, and social hub. I have been in Manila, of course, staying there for days, trying to blend in, trying to learn the culture. I know, when I leave for Manila, I will be missing everything here in Baguio.

I will miss my friends.

I will miss my bed.

I will miss the cold days and even colder nights.

But hey, a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do, right?

By the time I create the next blog entry, I hopefully would already be in Manila. I can't wait to start another chapter in my life.

Manila, here I come!

Got (Harvey) Milk?

2009-03-16T04:45:00.001-07:00

Milk, a film about Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay rights activist in the 1970's, has inspired thousands of gay men and women in the United States of America, and the entire world. He has shown that being gay is, in fact, not an illness, but a choice.

I have, in many ways, struggled with my choice of being an all out homosexual. A lot of people still do not understand that my choice of lifestyle does not, in anyway, hinder my way of living. I still breathe the same air that everyone breathes in. I still eat when hungry and drink when I am thirsty. I love with the same passion a straight man feels with a straight woman. The only difference is, I decided - a long time ago- to love other men.

After watching the film about the life of Supervisor Milk, I was inspired to make a difference in the world, starting with myself. When I started making friends, I made sure that they knew exactly who I was. No ifs, no buts. No pretensions. But now I realize that is not enough to make friends. What needs to be done is to make sure that they understand why I act this way, why I am who I am right now. 39 years ago, gay men aroun the world were struggling to get accepted in the society that they are living in. Today, here, in the Patriarchal Society of the Philippines, more and more people start to accept the fact that the gay community is not just a bunch of hairdressers making people pretty. We are doctors, nurses, teachers, writers, editors and engineers.

We are an entirely different race - still human but possessing extraordinary talents and skills to match those who have, in many ways, discriminated our existence.

I never had any regrets about who I was, and with that self acceptance, I managed to preserve who I really am, and my sense of dignity.

This is for Harvey Milk, and the people who have strived so hard to let us live that way that we are right now.

This is for the people who have accepted the fact they we, just like them, have lives that we continue to live.

This is for the gay men, and women, who still believes that someday, we can have the freedom to be who we want to be.

All we need is to be united, and to remember that we are who we are.

No ifs, no buts, no pretensions.

Back to the Old Drawing Board

2009-03-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

News spread like wild fire.

If there is one thing I love, it would be that people are actually talking about me. And as an office mate once said - good or bad, rumors are good publicity.

What I hate about rumors, though, is that they are open to interpretation. Not like facts, which should be said as it is, rumors tend to change as it passes from one ear to another.

A couple of days ago, I had to write a very short, to the point, and rather hurried letter, a letter that I have been itching to give to my manager. It was my resignation letter, in a short bond paper. To my horror, I was not even given the chance to actually type the letter down and print it. I had to go. My name was at stake.

I know not a lot of people read my blog, but I'd rather still keep mum about the real reason for the resignation. So let me just put it this way. I'd rather have a graceful exit than to actually have something against my well-preserved name.

Anyway, people started talking about me. Text messages where sent to everyone, saying that I left the company in such a startling way. What better way to start a wild fire, but to strike when it's hot and leave without a trace...

So I left the company I have been working for for more than 2 years. I have been bored, but stressed, this past months, that I have been aching to leave the company for greener pastures.

Maybe I was already at the edge of the cliff, and all I needed was a push. The person who pushed me, though, pushed too hard. Now I ain't at the spot where I intended to be. Here I am, 26 years old, gay, broke and single. I am not complaining. I actually love the fact that for this very moment, I am finally free of the shackles that I willingly wore when I started working for that company. I just felt it get tighter, and tighter. My hands need to be free.

Maybe it is the World Recession everyone is talking about. They lose a job, they blame the recession. They break a heel, they blame the recession. They put on some weight, they still blame the recession. It is just very convenient to say that everything bad happening around the world is caused by the f*cking recession. So maybe I should get into the bandwagon and blame it to the world's financial crisis. But no, I'd rather put it this way - I lost my job because sometimes, though we are given the chance to be stupid sometimes, we abuse that privilege.

I have never, and will never regret anything I have done. Not now, not ever. To the people that I have worked with for the longest time - thank you for making me a part of life.

Oh well, it's back to the old drawing board.

Acute Gastroentiritis and Coffee

2009-03-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

And so I was sick for 2 days, and that period of time I was glad I did not have to go to work. In a way, it was a way for me to miss working. And I did, I missed working.

What I love about getting time off work is the chance to do stuff that I would not be able to do during work week. What I hate about time off due to sickness is I cannot do anything, I have no social life, and I am bed ridden.

I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me that I had Acute Gastroentiritis.

"So do you drink soda?" she asked.
"I do."
"Cut down." She advised. "How about tea?"
"Only when coffee is not available."
"I suggest you cut down on tea. And if possible do not drink coffee anymore."

I was stunned. Coffee is my life - specially since I am working in a call center and I would definitely fall asleep if I do not drink any coffee at all.

I drink coffee all the time. I can even drink 5 mugs of coffee in one sitting.

Everytime I meet someone up, I suggested meeting over cups of coffee.

I love Starbucks, got a love-hate-relationship with Seattle's Best, and thank God for 1 peso coffee from the Coffee Vendo Machine in the office.

I nodded my head and asked for medical certificate for my condition.

That was yesterday.

I still can't get over the fact that I can't drink coffee anymore. So I did. I've had 3 mugs so far.

Bad, noh?

Suffocation

2009-03-03T16:07:00.000-08:00

The bar was packed. As much as I wanted to dance on the dance floor, the people near the entrance did not allow me to do so.

I wanted to just dance, to forget about my life even for just a couple of minutes - ease the pain from my heart and transfer that pain to some more physical, like my tired feet.

Van said she wanted to to dance, but we did got the chance to. Nick tried prying me off the chair I was sitting on, but as much as I wanted to dance with him, I did not want to push myself into the already full dance floor.

The smoke machine blew white smoke into the air, adding suffocation to the already dark and warm room. Why can't they build a bigger bar? I wonder.

I drank thirstily, beer spilling into my tight black shirt. I didn't care what I'd look like.

I just want to forget. I feel suffocated. I need air.

Ramblings: the Coffee Vendo Machine

2009-02-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

The coin clinked as it hit the bottom of the coffee dispenser. Oh well, I guess I am the first one to have vendo coffee in this building. I was early by 3 hours just so I could attend a meeting.

Holding the vendo coffee with my two hands, I wondered what I was still doing in this company. I see the same people. I do the same thing each and everyday.

I struggled as I tried to get the last stick of cancer stick I had left from the night before. I didn't get to smoke that much. I was really sleepy and a hit from a fag would definitely wake me up.

I came to the office at 10 pm. My shift officially starts at 1 am. I punched in my employee number into the lobby pc to log in, even though the company prohibits logging in much earlier than the time we are expected to be at the office. F*ck. Why do they even bother? I won't be paid for overtime anyway.

My mom did not want me to go to Europe to work there cause she said it would be hard for me. Duh, the work I have right now sucks, doesn't even cover all the bills without burning a hole in my pocket.

I'd take Italy anytime.

My head hurts.

I wanna go home.

Valentine's Day SUCKS.

2009-02-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

A friend once asked me what my favorite holiday is. I said Halloween.

Then the follow-up questions came.

What about Christmas?

How about Independence Day?

April Fool's?

Valentines Day?

I glared at the person who asked me if I liked Valentine's Day. I glared at him cause he was asking me this to taunt me. He knows I did not have any "special someone". Not that I care.

What's with Heart's day anyway?

It is for the chocolate magnates that advertise candy as an aphrodisiac.

It is for women who pester their boyfriends or husbands to buy them pretty little things or all hell will break lose.

It is for flower shops charging exhorbitant prices for a dozen roses.

And, come to think of it, it is for bitter, tiny individuals just like me, trying to get on with life as it is.

The hearts that hung around every mall, every office, every classroom, even every comfort room makes me nauseous. It reminds me that my heart has been torn into microscopic pieces before, and that no amount of glue or tack can really heal it like it was before - way back when I was just a child.

When people wear red to celebrate the awful day, I wear black.

When people exchange kisses, I sleep.

Call me Crazy, but I really think this Valentine b*llsh*t SUCKS. BIGTIME.

I Miss My Angel

2009-02-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

Listening to an old song, I remember when you were mine, and I yours.

I promised you that I will always be there when you called, but I broke that promise and I never turned back. If I could only turn back time, I would come back to you, and come back to the time when you were waiting for me to tell you that I still love you, and that I was willing to let go of the fault that you were never part of.

I made you choose between me and the girl who claimed to have your child. You chose me but still I let you go. I let you go because you will never have a future with me, I would never give you children.

It is a terrible fact that I do not want to remember, but everytime I hear this song, I can still see your eyes as you silently pleaded for me to stay. I can vividly remember tears falling down my cheek as I watched your cab drive away - away from the reality that I still love you, but I had to let you go.

I will never be too far away to feel you. I won't hesitate at all, whenever you call.

I tremble inside whenever I remember the way you held my hand, the way you looked into my eyes after we kissed.

And I'll always remember, the part of you so tender, I'll be the one to catch your fall, whenever you call.

My only regret - the biggest regret I've ever had, was that I was never there to gently kiss your tears away. I never understood what you did. Why you gave everything and yet I chose never to go back to your arms.

If I was given a chance to be part of your life again, I will.

As long as I hear this song playing, I will always remember, I loved you, and you are one of the biggest parts of my life.

I will always love you my angel, my Cherubim.

Pictures Can Be Deceiving.

2009-02-06T15:00:00.001-08:00

So I got this fabulous tan by the River at Pangasinan 2 weeks ago, and I even took a few photos just to make sure I have proof I had a tan, just in case someone noticed (or wouldn't notice) my tan.

I posted the said photo in a gay lifestyle oriented site, Guys4Men, and after just a couple of minutes after successfully posting it, a lot of guys started sending me messages, wanting to meet me.

Whoa! What just happened here? Funny thing, I have been in the site for more than 3 years, and not once in my G4M life have I received a lot of messages. Messages ranging from "Hi!"s to the endless phone numbers.

Now I truly believe in the saying "Pictures can be deceiving."

LOL.

25 Random Things about Me - from FACEBOOK!

2009-02-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

Get to know more about me!

1. I honestly do not know what to write about myself. I keep a blog and make sure that I update it everytime, but when it comes to writing about myself, I'd rather answer questions than just write random stuff.

2. I have 3 blogs, one for the serious me (bogartbogart.blogspot.com), another blog for my gayer version (pintouche.blogspot.com), and another for my gayest(kumekemengkabuhayan.blogspot.com).

3. If Beyonce has Sasha Fierce for an alter ego, I have Beaugarte Beautious. Beaugarte is just a "frenched" name, spelled like a name in French. But it's just Bogart. Long story on that one. Beautious is m gay family name. I don't really think Beaugarte is the alter ego. I think William Charles IS the ultimate alter ego. :)

4. I like the smell of freshly, clean laundry and newly cut grass.

5. I love my name. I will never trade my name for any other.

6. The original spelling of my family name was "CENIT". American missionaries came and registered all the names of the families in Bicol in the early 1920's and when my grand father gave his family name, they spelled it incorrectly - or rather fabulously.

7. I love adobo. I cook great adobo, and I have always been interested in tasting different kinds of adobo to find out ways on how to cook it differently.

8. I designed and created my own outfit for our company's Year end Party. I love it, it is the first formal wear that I have created for myself, or for anyone.

9. I love shoes. Last year I had 4 brand new pair of different stilletos. I may be a big guy, but I thank God for big shoe sizes. :)

10. I have a long torso and short legs. Anatomically speaking, my body is not proportional. It is a good thing that some body parts compromise my leg's lack of length - wink wink*.

11.I always bring a big bag to work. What's in the bag? An umbrella, pens, my wallet, my cellphone, my cellphone's headset and a pair of false eyelashes. I bring big bags because I might stumble upon something worth bringing home - I don't need plastic bags anymore.

12. Although I love talking, I prefer to remain silent at home. When I am at home, I seldom talk, it is my way of resting my voice and just relaxing.

13. When I get angry, I often speak in English. But if I started my tirade with a Tagalog cuss (ie> P*tang*na m*), I usually end the entire paragraph in Tagalog.

14. I think that I need more time to think about 25 Random things about myself.

15. I own 2 pairs of eyeglasses with scratch resistant lens. I am probably the most clumsy person when it comes with objects. One I went out with white sneakers. When I got home that day they were already gray.

16. I walk when I am upset. It helps me clear my mind.

17. I have terribly memory. Once I was talking to guy. He noticed that I didn't recognized him. When I professed that I didn't remember him, he laughed, and said I had already slept with him. Then I remembered. LOL.

18. I love taking pictures. Of myself. I think you all have noticed that already. :)

19. Though I support PETA, I still think fur is fabulous. Bad bad me.

20. After almost a decade after the last episode of Sex and the City, I am still addicted to the series. I have watched the entire series 14 times.

21. I love Chili. Or anything spicy.

22. I once had a relationship that was based purely on physical attraction. The rest were based on mental attraction.

23. I've had a total of 9 serious relationships since I was born. All of them with men.

24. I have 2 finished novels that I want to get published within the year. But I do not know how to start.

25. I do not wear any watches. I used to be obsessive-compulsive about time, so I decided not to wear any watches. Now I learned how to relax and have fun.

Sky, Tree, and Me!

2009-02-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

I so love this picture. Thanks Fifi and Iko!

Of Family Reunions,Obscure Towns and Fab Tans,

2009-01-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

And so after 4 blissful days, I am back home to 7.5ish climate and fog.

I have been on a 4 day well-deserved vacation, something that I have been dreaming about after working non-stop for one hectic week.

I know I have left a few things undone when I went on vacation a couple of days, but with the new found strength and inspiration, I think I could go through everything when I get back to work tonight. To be perfectly honest, I am excited to go back to work. Weird.

So my wonderful vacation started a on Friday, when we travelled to Mabini, Pangasinan, an obscure little town that did not have internet access and where everyone thinks having fun involved a case of Red Horse and a videoke Machine.

Drinking Red Horse with Good Friends while listening to someone singing at the Villa BRaganza Square

My weekend even involved gate crashing a family reunion. Well, it's not really gate crashing, since I was with Piper's family, and no one really knew who I was and why I was with them on their Family Reunion. But there was brandy and Roasted pig. That I will never resist.

And so we pretended I was a long lost cousin. I even won a lousy but crisp brand new one dollar bill for playing Hep Hep Hooray with some "cousins".

After that afternoon, it was back to drinking Red Horse at the local Videoke Bar/Tourist Spot, Villa Braganza Square, which was literally a small garage with a small stage and a dozen tables for those who want to spend the entire night getting drunk and rowdy.

We got home at around 5 am, but didn't get enough sleep because we had to travel by jeepney to the beach. I was excited, I wanted to get a fab tan.

And a fab tan, I got. The beach was so beautiful. Just last year we went to this pristine beach hours away from civilization, and last Sunday I saw another beautiful beach. I think I'll put "beach hopping" to the list of my favorite things to do. No, make that "visit far beaches and pretend I was in the Bahamas." Teehee.

So see, my weekend was full of unexpected surprises. I was even surprised to find out that there was a small river near the house we were staying at. I went for a short swim there as well.

Swimming at the nearby River.

Can't wait to go back there. It was a wonderful weekend.

Over and Over Again.

2009-01-09T16:06:00.000-08:00

An old saying goes "Patience is Virtue."

I haven't been patient, and when I touched your lips I began to wonder if what I was doing was right.

"Is this right?" I asked, full of expectations.

"Yes," you said.

I faltered, knowing that what you said was right.

You said it was ok, that it wasn't right but what we felt was not wrong. So I continued kissing you until I realized I was passionately in love with you.

The air was cold, and your were shivering. I hugged you tightly in my arms and felt your warmth. I kissed your back.

"If we do this," I asked, "Will I ever see you again?"

"Yes," you answered.

With that promise we started exploring our depthless emotions. With moans of pleasure and passion we entered paradise.

A couple of years back I promised myself never to fall in love with someone that easily. But I faltered. I failed drastically. I succumbed to my loneliness and fell, like a child from a tall tree.

And now I am falling... falling.

I know sooner or later I would feel the ground. I would feel the hurt and the pain. I will die - as I have died before.

Over and over again.

Over... and over again.

When You Wish Upon a Star

2009-01-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

"Starlight, Starbright,

first star I see tonight,

Wish I may, Wish I might,

Have the wish, I wish tonight."

I have this thing about seeing the first star on a dark, cloudless, and sometimes moonless nights. Neither the fact that it may be planet, or that there are other indetectable stars out there hinder me from whispering the words I have written above.

Last night, when I had the chance to actually look at the night sky, I saw a twinkling light, a star, and involuntarily, I uttered that words that I have been uttering since I was in grade school.

Then I made my wish.

It was more of a question actually.

"Will I...?"

The year didn't really start out as I hoped it would, but hey, I have great hope that this year would be a good year for me.

I know wishing something won't do anything. "Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa." (God helps those who help themselves.) I know wishing on a star won't do anything not unless I do something about it.

Here's to 2009, and to the people who believe that sometimes, wishing on a star isn't really a bad thing. It just shows us that despite everything, a small, twinkling light can bring hope to everyone- kids from 1, to 92.

Happy New Year to all.

The Pseudo-New Year's Resolutions List

2008-12-29T07:20:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago, my friends and I talked about New Year's Resolutions.
Last year, I only had one New Year's Resolution, and that was to not bother about having one.
I never really believed in New Year's Resolutions, I mean, you can always change your mind right? So what's the big deal about it?

Anyway, I have decided to create a list list - things that I have to do before the end of the year 2009. Things to do for 12 months, at least one thing done every two months. Fairly reasonable, since some of the things listed can be done simultaneously, like hitting 2 birds with one stone.
After careful thought, here is the first half of the list of things I have to do before the end of 2009:

1. Buy a Digital Camera

Being the photo freak that I am, some friends have suggested that I take up a few short courses for Photography. A second hand camera would do, I am planning to save up for a good camera though, the one professionally used for photo shoots. Anyone with hand-me-downs? :)

2. Ride a Boat

In my 26 years of existence, the only boats I managed to ride were the rent-by-the-hour boats at the Burnham Lake - a 4 feet deep manmade lake filled the sewage water right smack in the middle of Baguio City. This goal brings me to the 3rd goal I have for the coming year.

3. Visit the Visayas

Full of pristine beaches and gorgeous Chinoys, the Visayas region has been a hotspot for PLMs (People Like Me). Boracay, with it's white sands and overly expensive resorts, have lost it's luster, but I'd love to visit just to say that I have actually been there. I would want to visit Cebu, also.

4. Get another tattoo

The pheonix tattoo I got last year wants to get a sister. I have been planning to get something tattooed right on my spine, it means "happy and gay" in Thai. I'm trying to get a picture of that, maybe I'll post it next time.

5. Get membership to a gym and start losing weight

Alright, alright, seems to be something I may not really be committed to. Hey, maybe this the the part where it actually is a New Year's Resolution. Still, I really do need to get healthy. I am starting to feel nauseaous constantly these past weeks.

6. Get at least one novel published

Another dream I have had for the longest time. I have already finished writing 2 novels, and I have 2 unfinished novels just waiting for me to get right to them. I have been researching on ways to have these books published, can someone help?

Christmas with Sharon Cuneta

2008-12-26T04:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and gone, and with a few days left in the year, I was actually hoping I'd get a lot of things as Christmas gifts. Just a couple of gifts came, though, but it doesn't matter, the gifts were thoughtful.

So I got myself some gifts for Christmas, not a lot, but at least I bought some stuff for me.

1. Sharon Cuneta's classic movie collection
2. Old movies in VCDs and DVDs
3. Bob Ong's books
4. 2 pairs of Buffalo pants (for sale of course)

The company I have been working for for the past 2 years decided that we needed time off for the Christmas season. It was 4 days of blissful relazation, I thought, so the time was right - I've had a stressful week at work.

I had a list of things that I haven't had the chance to do, and I thought it was the time to actually get to it.

1. Do my laundry
2. Clean my room
3. Movie Marathon
4. Write something for this blog
5. Finish the novel I have started writing

I did the laundry, I cleaned my room, then I started my Movie Marathon with Sharon Cuneta's "Bubukas, Luluhod ang mga tala" ("Tomorrow, The Stars will Kneel"). Then I realized I was bored. ARGH! The only thing I hate (other than Marian Rivera's dancing) is being bored.

Got this copy of "Mrs. Doubtfire", one of my favorite movies, and I watched that while online. I started chatting but that lost it's luster after a couple of minutes.

Whew, I didn't really know what to do anymore. I lied in my bed, just wishing the holidays were over. For the first time this year, I actually wanted to go back to work! I can't believe it.

3 more days to go.

I thought I started liking Christmas. Now I just realized, I still hate it. Aside from Marian Rivera's dancing, of course.

Old Baguio, New Baguio

2008-12-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of Session Road, before and now. I came across this while browsing Google.

Funny how the tall buildings show how highly urbanized we are, but somehow we wish we could go back to the old times, when the air was still fresh and the cars can still park diagonally on the streets.

Hay.

Memories

2008-12-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

Here's a blog entry I found, browsing through my old blog 2 years ago. This blog entry amde me realize that I haven't really changed much, I just started learning a lot more.
_______

It’s cold and I brought an old jacket that smells of mothballs. The keyboard on this computer isn’t functioning very well, I have to hit the backspace key so many times to erase mistakes. I have a lot to complain about, but I didn’t walk 5 blocks just to write about the "not-so-nice" things that happened to me today.

So let me rephrase my opening paragraph.

It’s cold, and I have always enjoyed the cool breeze and low temperatures. It reminds me of my dream to go the Manhattan one day and enjoy the cold that Sarah Jessica Parker is always complaining about. Let’s exchange places Sarah. I’ll bet you’ll miss New York.

It has been several days since the last time I wrote on my diary at home. YES, aside from religiously posting on this online blog, I also keep a private recording of what happens in my life, stuff that is not meant for the public eye. In the pages of that diary, I keep track of what I might easily forget when I grow old. I am afraid to lose memories, wonderful or regrettable events that made me who I am now.

I have kept a diary all my life. Some of them I have lost, I have kept a couple of them, and I read them when I have time. Its funny how I behaved and thought before. I realized that ever since, I have always struggled with my love life. And when I compare myself now to what I was before, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank God that I have learned a LOT.

Going back to the things of the past isnt that hard as other might think. Sometimes, they might even serve as a reminder of what and what not to change, a reminder of happy times to shed light to a gray day, and a reflection of the bad days that will make us strive to make our lives better.

Having said that, I have great confidence that I can face my life now with the reassurance that anything I do, and any consequences it may bring to my life, I will always rise like a phoenix, ready to tackle anything that blocks my way.

Same Old, Same Old...

2008-12-17T03:22:00.000-08:00

Blah blah blah...

A lot of things being thought about, too little time to actually talk about it.

It's almost Christmas, and though I have already bought gifts, I am having a hard time finding time to wrap them all up. If I could just give the givfts in plastic bags, I would...

It has been a while since the last time that I wrote something. I am quite bored, to say the least, and I honestly do not have anything to write about. Or talk about.

A colleague recently approached me and asked me why I was so sad.

"I ain't sad," I said, irritated that people assume I am sad when I don't talk. "I just don't feel like talking."

Then they start asking if i was feeling well.

I don't really know what's happening with me right now. A couple of months ago, I would enjoy a night out with friends. I'll dance till the wee hours of the morning, or till my feet start aching, wanting to rest from being wrapped in 4 inch stilletos. Now I'd rather stay at home and drink bottles of beer with friends till I pass out. :)

Maybe it's that "getting older" thing my mom used to tell me.

"Tumatanda ka na," ("You're getting older,") she would say. "You should start acting your age."

I remember that TV commercial by Edu Manzano, the one that said it is ok to be 40, as long as that person looks 30 (or something younger). It is so unfair! I mean, I am just 26, but I look ages older that what I really am! Grrr..

Anyway, I can't wait for the weekend. I haven't really though of what to do on Saturday, but I have a distinct feeling I would just be staying at home.

Maybe I should start learning how to crochet or something. :P

The Great Divisoria Escape

2008-12-15T06:02:00.000-08:00

It has been such a tiring weekend. I had to go down to Manila (Philippines Capital, around 8 hours away from where I am right now) to buy gifts for Christmas. I dread the holiday season, but if there was one thing I love doing, it's giving gifts (then receiving some :)).

The weekend started at 3:00 am. After work, I boarded a bus to Manila. I got some sleep on the bus, but it wasn't really enough to get me through one whole day. Anyway, when I arrived at Manila, it was not too warm. It was still humid (temperatures can go as warm as 33.05 degrees Celsius (91.49 degrees Fahrenheit), but the weather was actually pleasant.

After leaving my stuff at my friend Piper's house, we rode the train to Divisoria, a haven for people who have little money to spend but a lot of friends to give gifts to. We spent almost 4 hours, in the middle of at least a thousand people crammed into a block of old buildings, haggling for shirts and pants and other stuff. It was hell. But I got a little with my Php2,000 budget (roughly US$50).

That was basically the only itinerary for the day, but my energy gave way. At around 4 pm, I gave up (Take note, I have been awake for more than 24 hours). Another 2 hour train ride back to Piper's place, and we only got a few minutes to shower and ride the train to another location, this time SM Mall of Asia, one of the biggest malls in Asia, the biggest in the Philippines. There were still a lot of people, it was a Saturday, and there are no classes, so basically everyone wanted to get out of there homes and share in the bliss of Christmas shopping. Thank God I shopped earlier than usual (I usually do Christmas shopping on the 24th).

After maxing out my credit card, we went home at around 12 am (Sunday morning), and we rode a bus back to Piper's house (2 hour bus ride).

After a quick shower, and a change of clothes, we went clubbing... at 2 am. We didn't get to dance much, the bar we went to was crammed with gay guys, and we were tired. So we went home at around 4 am. We arrived at Piper's place at 7 am.

I haven't had any real sleep since Friday, so once my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. Only to wake up after 3 hours. We had to go home the next day, so we decided to have as many things done with the little time we have.

Sunday was not too hectic, we had time to actually sit and have a frapuccino, we watched a movie, then we had some last minute shopping. Then it was back home at 1 am.

When we woke up 6 hours later, we boarded a bus going back to Baguio, and slept on the bus on our way up.

It was a real hectic weekend, but I had lot of fun. I am looking forward to the next adventure we are gonna have. :)

Changes and Boredom

2008-12-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

I have been sitting for 8 hours, waiting for the end of the class. I was on training for the new account I am moving in and I am bored to death.

It has been almost 2 weeks when they told me I was to move to a new account. I have been with with my account for 2 years - part of the first batch, in fact - and it tore my heart apart to hear that we were to lose the account, it was going back to Manila.

I had a lot of good memories with the account I previously had. It was a sales account, and being in a sales environment actually made me a better person. I learned a lot from the account and it truly is pain to see it dissolve.

Let me just say that I am happy to be in the new account (rather than lose my job). It is a Financial Services Bank, and though I hate math, our trainer told us we will just be using Simple Elementary Math to do our job correctly. Whew.

The company I work for prides itself in being flexible. Too flexible, in fact, that I can be in 3 different accounts within 3 months - transferred from one account to another.

I am a bit optimistic that I would stay in this new account for a long time. If possible, another 2 years.

That is one thing about changes. It takes boredom away from life.

End the Year with Bangs!

2008-11-23T07:54:00.000-08:00

Van got bangs before Christmas. Ok, it wasn't that bad, she actually looked good, but I have this Love Hate relationship with Bangs.

I have been trying to grow bangs for most of this year. When I didn't get the desired result, I shaved all my hair off.

What's with bangs anyway?

Emo anyone?

Of Lost Glasses and Rootbeer

2008-11-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

I lost my favorite pair of glasses a month ago, it was the only pair I have kept for over a year. It looked good on me, and I held on to the hope of finding it, even going as far as straining to look at my pc monitor while creating reports and reading materials over the internet.

When I decided to get another pair, I could'nt really find a pair of frames that would look like it, or would look even close to it. So I pick this really thin frames that was light weight, and then paid for scratch proof lenses to make myself feel better. After I paid for the overpriced pair of glasses, I looked at myself in the mirror, and though I was able to see real clearer, I felt like an old man was staring back at me.

A couple of weeks ago, an officemate approached me and mentioned that he found a pair of glasses. He described it, and, like a child who was told he'll be getting a new bike for Christmas, my eyes sparkled with hope. I found it, my favorite pair of glasses.

Now, writing this blog entry, I am peering through the only pair of glasses that lasted this long. It was lost, but now it has been found.

*****

When I was a child, my mom would usually bring me to Greenwich, a local pizza fastfood shop, just like Shakey's, or Pizza Hut, and I would look forward to our "lunchdates". And one thing that I would always look forward to is the rootbeer that comes with my "kiddie meal."

I cannot describe how much I craved for Rootbeer. But then, when I started drinking other beverages, I soon forgot the taste of the special drink.

After coming from a week long Medical leave, I saw that there were new vending machines in the pantry.

Lo and behold, sitting inside the vending machine, like puppy with its sad eyes, was a can of ice cold Sarsi, and old favorite that made me reminisce the old times with my mom as we dug in to a medium vegetarian pizza.

I cannot describe how it felt when the cold rootbeer touched my tongue. It was like I was in heaven. I was actually dreaming of being in a Sarsi Commercial, with my hair being gently caressed by the wind as closed my eyes to savour the taste that only Sarsi can bring - a taste of love.

Now I feel ackward as Van looks at me, wondering why I looked that way.

*****

Here's to lost and found things, bringing us back to the past, and making us hope that someday, though impossible, we can go back to the past to relive any moment - any moment we continue longing for.

No to H8.

2008-11-17T12:12:00.001-08:00

I am a Filipino.

I believe in the Freedom of Speech.

I am gay.

I believe in Love.

I am a human being.

I believe in EQUALITY.

No matter where you are. Let us make a stand.

No to Proposition 8.

For Ben

2008-11-13T05:59:00.000-08:00

It was one fateful July night. Or was it June? I can't remember. What I remembered was that you approached me and asked me where to get a nose ring - just like mine.

The nose ring was faux, I didn't even have a nose piercing. I just wanted to make a statement. And you noticed. I was touched.

Just like previous encounters, I forgot about you. Until you came back.

It was almost a year after that fateful encounter. You came back and you had to remind me how we met. I didn't remember, but I pretened I did. What I remembered was that I was wearing that fabulous faux nose ring. And that for one night, I was happier than usual, dancing on top of the chairs at our favorite bar. That was what I remembered.

Now, 2 years after, when I want to forget, I can't. I keep coming back to the times when I saw you almost everyday. I keep coming back to the glorious stupidity that I brought on to myself. Do I regret any of these? No.

I have prayed, begged, and wished that you were mine, and yet not even a thousand coins thrown at a wishing well would change the fact that I am, in fact, just someone who came to your life - unexpectedly and uninvited.

I am writing this, after almost 3 years from that fateful night I first met you.

The tear dropped from my eye, to my cheek, and I felt pity. For myself. For you. For anyone who is looking for love and finding something that might be it - only to find out that it never is, and will never will.

I never thanked you for everything you have done for me. I guess now is the time.

Thank you for making me realize that I am more than what I perceive myself to be. You made me realize that I am who I am, and I do not have to change for anyone else in the world.

Salamat Ben. Salamat sa lahat.

Paglisan - Isang Maikling Tula

2008-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

Parang sinilaban ang puso ko
nang malaman ko na iiwan mo na ako.
Mula sa iyong mga labi namutawi
ang mga salitang pinilit kong tanggalin sa aking pagiisip.

Ngunit kahit anong gawin kong pilit,
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.
Bakit sa dinami - dami ng mga taong kailangang lumisan,
ikaw pa.

Kaya eto ako, nagdarasal na sana
- sana lang - hindi maisakatuparan ang iyong paglisan.
Dahil alam ko, dito sa kaibuturan ng aking puso,
hindi ko kakayaning wala ka.

10 Years Ago

2008-11-11T05:11:00.000-08:00

Ten Years Ago:

I was 16. I only had a few months left in the last year of Highschool, and I was excited. I felt like I was on my way to success. I can't believe it has been ten years. 1998 was the year Spice Girls became a household name. I collected albums (then in tapes) of my favorite artists - Mariah, Madonna, Shania, Spice Girls, Britney. I was not a virgin anymore - and by that time I already knew I was gay. I was gay - but not very happy. I went to church every Saturday night and I first tasted tobacco by this age. I have been smoking ever since.

Five Years Ago:

The year was 2003. I was 21. Fresh out of College, I was on top of the world. I was, by that time, taking review classes for the Board Exams. Didn't take it though. I was afraid I'd fail. I felt like an outcast, I had just come back from Pangasinan and I did not even know who my neighbors were. I didn't have any friends, only my cousins, and I have started going out with them. Alberto's, Gimbals. The Divah was about to be born. :)

One Year Ago:

I had a great job, I had great friends. Come to think of it I still have it! I was already part of the Junior Management of my account in PeopleSupport.

One month ago:

Had all my hair shaved. It has been a month and I can already pull my hair. I decided to shave everything off because I am trying to grow most of my hair back - talk about thinning hair at my very young age...

Five Snacks:
1. Tempura chips - I can't get enough of the yummy shrimp taste.
2. Chocolates
3. Siopao!
4. Krispy Kreme Donuts (glazed)
5. Ensaymada

Five Songs I Know All the Words To:
1. Most Spice Girls songs
2. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
3. I love You Goodbye by Nina/Celine Dion
4. Most Mariah Carey Songs
5. Get Far Shining Star

Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy my parents a house.
2. Buy my own house.
3. Buy my brother a business.
4. Create my own fashion line.
5. Travel the world with my family.

Five Places to Run Away To:
1. To the Beach!
2. Any coffee shop.
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. I'd love to go to Europe. :)
5. Bora bora? :)

Five Favorite TV Shows:
1. Sex and the City
2. Gossip Girl
3. America's Next Top Model
4. Project Runway - too bad they cancelled the new season due to legal reasons.
5. Kay Susan Tayo

Five Greatest Joys:
1. Partying with Friends
2. Weekends
3. Paydays!
4. Having coffee
5. Summer

Thanks Noel!

Inuman 101

2008-10-12T02:27:00.000-07:00

Rule number 1: Pag iinom lang sa bahay, wag magsusuot ng bonggang bongga.

Kung hindi naman high end bar ang pupuntahan mo, hindi mo na kailangang pumorma-porma.
Kasi kung may lasing, at nakamini skirt ka, asahan mong may hindi magandang mangyayari. Lalo na kung matagal nang hindi nakakatikim ng luto ng Diyos ang itinutukoy.

Rule number 2: Wag maarte.

Ang pinikpikan ay masarap. Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang pinikpikan, aba, dapat matikman
mo na. Kain sa iisang plato, tagay sa iisang baso. E ano naman kung ang last na nagshot e mukhang hindi nagtutooth brush? At least masaya kayong lahat.

Rule number 3: Wag paimporante.

Pag tinanong ka kung anong gusto mo, sabihin mo agad kung ano ang iniibig mong tirahin. Gin
blue man yan o beer, wag ka nang magiinarte pag wala ka nang iniinom. Feel at home. Lalo na
kung bahay mo nga talaga ang lugar na pinagdadausan ng inuman.

Rule number 4: Uminom lang ng tama.

Ang alak ay nilalagay sa tiyan, hindi sa utak. Pag sobra na sa inom, tumigil muna ng ilang sandali
at namnamin ang hilo. Pag nawala ang tama, uminom ulit. Magsuka kung kinakailangan.

Rule number 5: Maghanda ng asin.

Pag hindi inaasahan, at kailangang mag "body shot", at least alam mo kung nasaan ang asin. Hindi ka na maghahanap ng hindi pa naliligo para lang may madilaang maalat.

Rule number 6: Pag niyayang sumayaw, wag nang magpakipot.

Hindi na uso ang pagirl. Lalo na kung crush mo na ang nagyayang sumayaw.

Rule number 7: Makijam lang sa mga lasing.

Lasing sila, at kahit na sabihin pang wala na sila sa sarili nila alam pa rin nila ang ginagawa nila. So, kung may nasabi nilang nakakasakit, o kung natapakan nila ang paa mo, o kung nasapak ka nila ng hindi sinasadya, hayaan mo na. Bumawi ka na lang next time.

Rule number 8: Ang pulutan ay hindi ulam.

Wag maghanap ng kanin.

Rule number 9: Hindi pulutan ang kasamang umiinom.

Pwera na lang kung masarap talaga siya, saka ka maghanap ng kanin. :)

Rule number 10: Magpasalamat sa nagpainom.

Pwede ding hindi - kung ikaw ang nagpainom.

INUMAN NA!!! Bottoms Up!!!

Happy Birthday Beaugarte!

2008-09-25T21:53:00.001-07:00

Nine Thousand Four Hundred Ninety days.

Two hundred Twenty Seven, Seven Hundred Sixty Hours.

One Million, Three Hundred Sixty Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes.

Eight Hundred Nineteen Million, Nine hundred Thirty Six Thousand Seconds.

Four Nine Billion, One hundred Ninety six Million, One Hundred Sixty Thousand Milliseconds.

That would summarize my entire life once the clock struck midnight this morning.

I was amazed at the speed of time. It was as if it was just yesterday.

I have been counting the blessings that came to my life. And every minute, every second that passed made me who I am today. Exactly who I am today.

26 years of existence. It sure is a lot for me! I mean, I have been in this world for a quarter of a century. And who knows how long I am going to stay alive?

If I was to choose, once again, what age I would go back to, I wouldn't take it. I would stay here, where I am right now. I can say, right now, that I am satisfied. I have everything, and I am happy.

6 years ago, I was sitting on my dormitory bed, thinking it was horrible to even get to 20. 20 was already old for me that time. I wondered what I would be after 5 years. Now here I am. Accomplished and, should I say, successful.

No, I don't have any life savings. I spend my money quite unwisely and I had my share of heartaches, empty stomach and drunken nights. But I refuse to think that my life was a mess. I think my life is just perfect. I don’t want anything more, nor anything less.

The question is, how long am I going to be satisfied? The answer - as long as I want to remain satisfied. For now, I dwell in the happiness that I feel every time I see my friends. I am happy every time I laugh with them. The moments shared will never be replaced by anything in this world.

Many people would ask me if I would redo my life again. In a heartbeat, I would answer I wouldn't. Every scar on my body tells a story, every wrinkle on my face shows who I am suppose to be.

To the people who I love - thank you for being there. Always.

To my mom - if you weren't there that Saturday morning, I wouldn't be where I am today.

To my father - thank you for raising me to who I am. Although you do not readily approve to my choices, I know you love me for who I am.

To my brother - you were there beside me all the time. He can be annoying at times, but it sure beats the hell of being alone in this world.

To my friends - without saying your names out loud I know you know who you are. Thank you for making this lifelong journey worthwhile. For the times that I sought for a family to be with, you were there. I will never forget the memories we had.

I grin like a Cheshire Cat, knowing that the start of the second quarter of the century I live in will be full of surprises. And just like that cheesy novel I really love to read, I know that sometime, someplace, it is going to be a blast.

Umulan Sana ng Pera

2008-09-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

Umuulan na naman...

Nakakatuwang isipin na pag umuulan, ayaw nating mabasa. Samantalang kapag taginit naman e gusto natin lagi tayong nakatampisaw sa tubig. Ok lang naman ang konting ambon e. Tapos pag palabas ka na ng bahay, titigil na, parang walang nangyari. Masaya ang mga halaman at tuyo ang outfit.

Narinig mo na ba ang kantang Tuwing Umuulan? Yung kantang ang message e ok lang na umulan basta may kasama ka? Ayoko yung kantang yun. Oo, nakakatuwang pakinggan si Regine Velasquez habang tumitili na parang wala nang kinabukasan, pero pag inisip mo ng maige - may kaagaw ka na ng kumot, madadagdagan pa ang bayad mo sa kuryente dahil dalawang beses nang magpapainit ng ubig na pampaligo. Buti sana kung mayaman ka. E pambili na nga lang ng tuyo e pagiipunan mo pa ng 3 buwan. Wala pang kasamang kanin yun. Kailangan mo pang bumili ng kanin sa karinderya. Sampung piso para sa isang serving ng rice. Ang gagamitin nilang pantakal e yung pangtakal sa gatas ng bata. Mga dalawang ganun.

Isipin mo na lang kung naging halaman tayong lahat.

BAMBOO: "Naku, umuulan na naman, malakas na naman ang hangin, magbebending exercise na naman ako."
PINE TREE: "Hindi ako na kailangan pang magbending."
CACTUS: "TULUNGAN NIYO AKO, NALULUNOD AKO!!"

Hay, ewan ko nga ba. Minsan naiisip ko, pag umuulan, talagang hindi mo mapipigilang magisip.

May naiwan ka bang sampay sa bahay?
Tumutulo ba ang bubong?
May pasok ba ang mga bata?
May bagyo ba?
Kelan kaya titigil ang ulan?
Kailan kaya matututo ng ibang sayaw si Marianne Rivera?

Buti sana kung pera ang nahuhulog mula sa langit. Kung pera yan, aba, baka lahat ng timba ko sa bahay e nakasahod na. Ang problema, pag barya ang nahulog, kailangan magsuot ng protective gear. Baka bukol ang abutin mo, gastos na naman.

Sabi nga ng kaibigan kong itago na lang natin sa pangalan na Fifi Larue, sa sobrang hirap ng buhay, marami ang natututong kumapit sa patalim. Aba, e ikaw ba naman ang ligawan ng mayamang Amerikano, kahit na nakakalbo, go go go na, kahit na wala na itong buhok sa ulo at mas makapal pa ang buhok niya sa dibdib.

Ayan, tumila na ang ulan. Bukas uulan ulit. Sana naman pera na ang bumuhos. Wag lang barya.

Bag of Tricks and Special Devices ala Doraemon

2008-09-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

Ang labo naman o.

Sabi mo Summa Cum Laude ka. Pero bakit wrong grammar? Nakalimutan mo ata ang subject-verb agreement mo.

Potah. Ang yabang pa ng pagkakasabi. Kung matalino ka talaga, hindi mo ipagmamayabang yan. Ipinapakita ang katalinuhan, hindi pinagmamayabang.

Parang hidden talent lang na walng kakwenta kwenta. Kung hindi naman kami maaaliw, itago mo na lang.

Taena. Kakairita talaga ang mga taong nagpapanggap. Matalino. Daw. Mayaman. Daw. Gwapo. Sabi ng nanay niya.

Ito ang salamin mula sa aking mahiwagang bag of tricks and special devices (BOTSD) ala DORAEMON.

Tignan mo ang sarili mo. Ito, baka kailangan mo ng "special face changer" mula sa aking bag of tricks. Baka sakaling magmukha kang tao.

Ito pa ang "location changer" para makarating ka sa ibang bansa. Baka sakaling makarating ka ng States na walang VISA.

Kung hindi siya gumana, ito, kunin mo, ang limang piso. MAGHANAP KANG TAENANG KA NG KAUSAP MO.

Leche.

Bull

2008-09-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

Falling in love.

Some say it is the essance of living in this world. Others disagree, saying they don't need love to live. I, honestly, do not know what side I am on. I mean, I can live without someone to actually love. But every morning, everytime my head hits the pillow, I wonder when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet.

Damn, just like a child fantasizing about their wedding day, I fantasize about meeting someone and clicking with that person - out of the blue, like in a bookstore or a coffee shop. But, unlike children, who harbor that innate hope that someday dreams would come true, I always put this fantasies aside and remember that I am in the real world. No happy ever afters, no wedding cakes, no wedding gowns. For me at least. For a person like me.

I have always dreaded falling in love. I hate the feeling of falling for someone. Maybe I had too many heartbreaks to last a lifetime. Maybe I am just afraid to love because of the fear of rejection, of falling for the wrong person. Someone told me before that it should never be termed aas "falling", but instead "growing". Either way, I do not feel comfortable in the said situation. It is just too much for me to handle.

I have played, several times, with the idea of finally meeting someone who would accept me as who I am. No buts, no ifs. I once thought I found that kind of love. After a couple of weeks I learned never to trust someone who says he will be at Puerto Galera. With his family. During Holy Week. If you are gay and Filipino you would know what I am talking about. HINT : The beach will be full of men - in skimpy trunks.

Another relationship, but this time, when I thought he loved me for who I am, I learned I was number 3. Out of 5. Talk about choices.

So now I spend my days at work, drowning myself in stressful reports and ugly people, in hope that I would have enough money to drown myself in alcohol and loud music at the end of the week.

Gay people without experiences often confuse love with lust. I have passed through that phase as well. I would fall in love easily. And fall out of it easily as well. That was a funny time for me. It was something tha I will never forget, but never will come back to.

Falling in love.

Some people think it is the only way to happiness.

I think that's bull.

Spicy Patar - The Beach

2008-08-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

The sand felt so good between my toes.

It didn't really matter if it was warm, or if I was hungry. I just wanted to savor the cool breeze, and feel myself tan under the hot sun.

The beach was blue green, unlike the muddy brackish sea water at the other beaches I have been too (except Pagudpod).

The wind was strong enough to carry our sarongs away, so I held on to mine.

There was a small stream beside the beach, and at the estuary ( I learned a new word today) - where the river water and the sea water mix, was the clearest and cleanest water I have seen.

Spicy Patar - The Journey to Paradise

2008-08-21T15:17:00.001-07:00

Hidden Paradise.

I have heard these words so many times before. And I have been fooled many times over. The promise of a stress-free environment has long eluded me, until now.

Di Anne and Van - two of my close friends - and I have been planning to go on a road trip somewhere. It would be just us, in a refreshing and stress-free weekend away from the busy and haggard call center life.

Di Anne suggested that we go to their place, at Bolinao. I have heard so much about the place before - the pristine beaches, the overpriced resorts, and the long trip to that place. Being a fan of road trips, I immediately agreed to join them in a journey to Paradise.

It was Friday afternoon when we started the trip. Van brought along her yummy boyfriend, Joel. It was in his car that we started the exciting road trip.

Going down to Dagupan was a breeze. It was after Dagupan that we started wondering where the hell were we going. Di Anne promised that she remembered the way to Bolinao. We got lost around 3 times. Eventually, we were able to get directions straight, so after a couple of left and right turns, we were back in track.

Travelling is often tiresome. We were hungry, and we wanted to rest our sore bums. We started talking about oysters, and how delicious it would be to cook some Rockefeller oysters, the kind with cheese on top - recipe courtesy of April Dawn De Asis.

We were still in the car, talking about food, when we entered the shortcut to Alaminos. Di Anne mentioned the carps (hito) at Alaminos were yummy, so we stopped at the first restaurant we saw and ordered some fish. After filling our tummies with the grilled slimy fish, we realized that we have not taken any pictures of it yet. So I took my handy cellphone and snapped a pic of what was left of our early dinner.

Next stop, Sual, with a breathtaking view of the South China Sea. We only got to take a few pics with a good backgound, but I would always remember the breathtaking view and fresh breeze. Van even managed to crack a joke, saying she wanted to have a place of her own in the place, and perhaps call it "Sual-salan." Leave it to Van to make sexual innuendos.

Overlooking the Sual Harbor

After more than an hour, we arrived at our destination, Bolinao. We stayed at Di Anne's family's place, and waited until morning to see what we went to Bolinao for - the pristine White Beach of Patar.

Morning came and we had to leave early for the market. At the market place we saw so many seafood, I was salivating over the fresh crabs, tuna, squid and fish of all kind.

The road trip to the beach was fun, we were all excited, like children going to school for the first time. We even stopped at the famously expensive resorts along the way, thinking that it was a nice way to fool people who would ask were we stayed at Bolinao. We can afford them, but we'd rather stick to the budget.

A couple more minutes and we were gazing at the tallest structure we have seen since the start of the trip - the second oldest Light house in the entire Philippines. I do not know what it was named, but the view there was spectacular. The breeze was cool. The climate was fine. It was a good day to take pictures. The lighting was superb.

Di Anne's newest favorite photo at the Lighthouse View Deck

Taking advantage of the superb lighting and view at the Lighthouse View Deck

The second oldest Lighthouse in the Philippines

The beach itself was just 5 minutes away from the lighthouse. It was a public beach, so I did not expect anything fancy.

I put on my sunglasses, and stepped into the white sands of Patar Beach.

I was amazed. For the first time in a very long time, I knew I have seen Paradise.

to be continued...

Good News, Bad News.

2008-07-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

"First the bad news," she said, smiling till her cheeks hurt.

I thought it was really bad news. For the person she was talking to, it wasn't. For me, it was. I just wanted to place both of my hands on her neck and wring the life out of her. But hey, wouldn't do it. Couldn't do it.

And I thought it was the end of the world for the guy. He looked so concerned, with eyes piercing into the lady's soul, trying to find out what the secret was about.

She blurted both the bad and the good news in one sentence.

I wanted to end my life then and there.

I mean, I work hard for this company. I really do. They said my efforts would be recognized. WHEN? I want to get out of this hellhole, if not for the fact that I badly need every cent that I get from this place.

Bills to pay, food to purchase. Things I have to think about as the head of the household.

But yet, I really want to break FREE!!

Good news for my colleague turned out to be Bad news for me. Oh well, back to the drawing board...

An Open Letter to the People I Love.

2008-06-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

"Can you be in love with someone you haven't seen yet?"

"How far can you go when it comes to loving someone?"

"When will enough be enough?"

"Why me?"

"Why now?"

"Why this?"

______________________

There will always be questions about life. And these questions usually come out only when a heart get broken.

I have always asked myself these questions. And no, I haven't found the answers just yet. If I did I'd probably be a happier person.

These inquiries came out tonight. From people that really mattered to me. And it was so heart breaking that I just had to go away.

I have always avoided bad vibrations. I always believed in finding happiness, in any manner possible, to escape the harshness of reality. People see me as a happy person, someone who would bring light to a darkened room. However, try as I may, I do not always bring the results.

This is an open letter to the people I love. I hope that, when you get to read this, you've has already found what you have been desperately looking for.

_____________________

For you, who have been through a terrible heartache:

Time will come when you'll laugh at what you have done. When you come to your senses, you will realize that letting someone go, no matter how you love them, will bring you happiness - eventually. You will find out that you had to go under terrible gloom because of giving up in something that has long been dead. You have tried everything, you have been faithful, you have been generous. You invested too much that leaving seems like a very pathetic thing to do. But you know what's pathetic? It's staying with someone that you have absolutely nothing in common with. It's staying because you think it is a good idea to hang on, hoping that the other person would realize their mistakes. You'll get out of this heartache, sooner or later. You are a strong person.

___________________

For you, who have chosen to think twice about friendship because of your first love:

There is a reason why it has been called first love. It is the time when you learn. It is the first in a long and winding road of happiness and sadness. It is the one thing that you would always cherish. It will be the basis of your future loves. Charlotte York once said the we only get 2 great loves in our lives. I want to make that my mantra. It is true. Because when you first fall in love, you think it is the greatest thing that happened in your life. But the truth is, something else will come. If the universe makes this an exception to the rule, and you stay with your first love forever, then I would be happy for you. But when you start to choose between your lover and your friends, this is a great mistake. This would be the biggest mistake that you can ever do.

Friend, I love you, you know that. I will always be there whenever you would want to have someone to talk to. However, having the idea that you would leave me, just because of someone you have not seen yet, in person, makes me want to stay away, for a while. We will have time to talk.

___________________

To all, loving someone is the greatest thing that could happen to us. And it would even be greater if that someone loves us back.

But it will take great effort and patience to finally find that special someone. Let us just wait and see.

Becks and Cubao, Quezon City - DAY 3

2008-06-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

Manila. Day 3.

With Php 1, 500 left in my wallet, I was beginning to wonder how I could live it out here, in Manila. Would I survive? Would I be able to continue living in certain comfort?

I have done that in Baguio - you know - staying up late and waking up even later. At most times I only have a couple hundred in my pocket, and I will survive. But here, in Manila, even walking would cost me at least 20 pesos. And that does not even include the cab fare, tricab fare, and MRT/LRT fare. Kaya pala laging nagrereklamo ang mga masa. They work a lot, but get a very low salary. And they have to face heat and dirt every day of their lives.

Well, I am going to be one of them now. So help me GOD.

I already got accepted at ACS, Advanced Contact Solutions. Well, I am going to start as an IP Relay agent. I really do not know what the f*ck that means, but I bet it would suck. I love the salary they offered me though. Php 23,000. In Manila that would roughly translate to 1 week in expenses.

I hate the thought of leaving Baguio. But hey! It's just a couple of Months. I'll be back come January. :)

Moving On

2008-06-11T14:01:00.000-07:00

When Mr. Big finally bought a penthouse apartment for Shoegal, it took Carrie Bradshaw to pack up 20 years of her life in 3 days, 4 nights and 4 friends.

It took me 4 hours to pack 3 years of my life in 3 bag, 2 boxes and 4 crates.

This situation made me ask myself what exactly happened to my life in 3 years right after I decided to live independently.

It made me sad just to think about the possibility of going to Manila for work. What will I pack? How much time will it take for me to fold all my clothes and my stuff? How many bags will I take? How many accomplishments have I made living independently. I have not asked that question for the longest time. And just like Carrie Bradshaw who took risks, I, too, am now on the point of my life when the real questions comes - when will I be successful? When will I finally say that I am a success? Kinda sad isn't it?

I am 25 years old. A quarter of life has just passed and I am still the same old Chaz. Yeah, I have learned a lot, I have been to many places, but as the song goes, I have never really been to me.

Here comes all the questions.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor. I never became one. My father wanted me to be a lawyer. I didn't become that as well. I finished Accountancy, but I never took the exam. I wanted to be a Psychologist, but I have never even finished one year.

What if I became a doctor? Or a lawyer? An accountant perhaps? or a psychologist?

Will my life be the same? Will I meet the same people who make me happy right now? Will I be successful by 25? Or would I have a million by 30?

It is very funny how life is. We have roads to take, and these roads are there for us, ready to be tread on. But when we are there, at the crossroads, we always have a hard time choosing the right path.

And when we finally take that road, and we suddenly realize that we have made the wrong choice, we cannot go back anymore, since we are already a long way from the starting point.

And now I am back to that crossroad. In the midst of it. Looking at 4 roads that I have to take.

What will I choose? What will I do?

In this point in time, I am going to continue asking myself these questions. And I will be doing these until the end of my life.

I guess that is life, right?

Mamabelz and the Birdie

2008-06-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

I was online chatting with an old friend, she mentioned that she had a blog, so we exchanged sites. I was browsing through her posts when my name popped out on the screen. I read the post and it was so funny and real at the same time, I had to copy it and paste it in this blog.

Read on:

__________________________

parenting 101

at 8:24am (lb time), aj noticed my text message. it was a "good morning!" message from chaz (sent at 6:17am, baguio time) attached to a beautiful photo of himself.

aj: "mama, who is chaz?"

me: "friend ni mama...he's gay..."

aj: "i know... what's that? how did he become like that?..." (confused ang bata sa choice of friends ng nanay niya...)

me: (without thinking answered him) "well, he was born with a woman's mind and heart ... ang kaso may birdie siya..."

aj: "e si tito jude?"

me: "ganun din siya..." (i wanted to explain that there is beauty in diversity and i could further expound on statistics about the bell curve, but then he is only 7. the simpler the better for the both of us...)

aj: "si tito zenos? si tito bum?..." (ennumerating all of my gayfriends...)

i simply nodded.

aj: "how come you dont have guy friends? all of them are gay?... do not mention papa's friends, name me one..."

i wanted to name my guy friends but simply thought not to mention them. for fear that i'd get into a heated jealosy fight with my husband over my having associations with "boys" at 8:45 in the morning (lb time)... I wasn't in the mood. and i know him too well...

hay. i'm just trying to educate those i can have control over, and i can only influence so much. i hope, i do a good job of bringing up boys that think of the bigger picture, without them having to be born with a woman's brain or heart. but rather for me to be able to teach them about trust, empathy, confidence, responsibility, assertion without aggression among others.

_____________________________

Bravissima MAMABELZ! You can catch mamabelz at http://mamabelz.blogs.friendster.com/its_like_that/
Birdie talaga? LOLz.

Love you Mamabelz!

The Heart of the Matter

2008-05-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

"An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?"

There I was, watching the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. Then this song cues in. It touched my heart.

I thought of you.

And here I am, sitting alone in a n internet shop, looking for words to describe how I feel right.

You said you found someone. That was weeks ago. And it dawned on me, just now, that I still love you. I lost myself in you. For one whole year. Without any assurance of love to come. You did say you love me, on countless occasions. And though there was no clear cut line on the borderline to friendship and love, I remained by your side.

"I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

When I decided to let go of you, I started living my life alone - again - after a long time. Then I would sometimes remember the times we were together. Do you remember the time we were at Camp John Hay? Just you and me? Parked somewhere at dawn, just talking about each other? That was the first time I knew I liked you. Then like grew to love. Then I was stuck. Stuck at loving you. I have been trying to ask myself why I fell for you. Then I had the answer. It was you. You were the very reason I fell in love. And I hate it that I fell in love at the wrong time.

I have to learn again. Slowly let go of my feelings for you. The fact is, I haven't really let you go. Now I really have to.

"I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

I want to really move on. And the only way to get over you is to accept the fact that I will never have you.

I have to forgive myself and continue living my life - alone.

I will scatter the ashes of the love I had for you, together with the memories that I have with you.

Just one last thing before I go:

The Heart of the Matter is, you will always be my One, True, Love.

Pack Rat

2008-05-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

I recently had to go back home and live there, leaving my pretty boring independent lifestyle to take care of the house and my brother as my mom slaves in Europe and my dad recovers from "exhaustion". I can't believe that I am back in my own blue room. In fact, even though I thought I wouldn't, I really missed it.

2 years of moving from one apartment to another made me collect some stuff, and while I was packing my things, ready to go home, I realized that I had collected a lot of things, and some of them served as reminder of the tumultuous 2 years that I lived alone.

Empty water cups, signed by a pretty barista in Hacienda Luisita. A receipt of lunch I shared with a special someone. Pictures of lost friends, notes from work. And with a plastic beside me, I sorted my 2 years of independent existence into groups. Things that make me smile, and things that make me sad. I salvaged at least 2 objects that reminded me of happy days. The rest was thrown away.

I have always been a pack rat. I save reminders of special occasions. I even keep memorabilia from events that caused deep heartache and sadness for me.

It took me a week to unpack. And as my 2 years of independent life unfolded before me, I can't help but wonder if my life would still be the same if my dad didn't kick me out just because I was gay.

Would I meet the friends I love so dear? Would I be the person I am today?

I cleaned out my old room and when I opened my dresser, I smiled. There they were, old smut magazines from High School. I used to buy them every week, at Php 15. I kept them under my bed before, in case my dad snoped around.

I opened a few pages and I laughed. If I had known that I would be the person I am before, I wouldn't have bought those smutty magazines.

I guess that is life. It would take you just one object to remind you that you have gone through a lot of changes.

Then it would take just a couple of seconds to decide if you have changed into a better person - or have chosen the darker path of life.

With that in mind, I can only say that if I was given the chance to go back in time and be in high school again, i would still buy those magazines - even if I knew I would be who I am in the future.

Holy Week

2008-03-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

It is the Holy Week and when other people frolic on the beach, I stay here, on my mountain, looking for ways to avoid boredom and remain sane. I have always wondered how spending the Holy Week would be, working up a tan and drowning my angst on the clear, turquoise waters. Maybe next year.

Now that the dreaded Panagbenga season is over, I am quite disappointed that I still see a lot of people that do not really have to be here. In fairness, there are a lot of cute hunks. But other than the eye candy strewn all over Session, I'd still want to walk around town without the heavy traffic jam and annoying tourists. Maybe it is about time they created an official Cordilleran ID. If you don't have one then ride the next bus off to wherever you were from. That wouldn't happen though. Baguio City happens to be the Summer Capital of the Philippines. It still is even though the streets are dirty, the fog has been replaced with early morning smog, and the city smells like Kimchi.

Maybe the City Government needs a wake up call.

When I was a child, I was brought up knowing that Holy Week was to commemorate the death of Christ. Now, I believe it is time for everyone to remember why they are still alive - a time for reflection. I did that this morning. Then I woke up realizing that I fell asleep while thinking about my life. I live a pretty normal life - work, friends and sex makes me preoccupied (funny how Jesus and sex have been used in a paragraph). Yeah, pretty normal - and BORING - if you ask me...

Just a couple more days and it would be April. Wow. Talk about time flying by so fast. I can vividly remember how I spent the New Year. Wouldn't do that next year.

Anyway, it is one in the morning Manila time, and I need to catch up on some zzz's. Last day of my leave, will be going back to work tomorrow.

Au revoir for now!

Promiscuous

2008-02-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

What is promiscuity?

Here is a definition of the word promiscuous from Merriam Webster:

promiscuous

Main Entry:: pro·mis·cu·ous
Pronunciation:: \prə-ˈmis-kyə-wəs\
Function:: adjective
Etymology:: Latin promiscuus, from pro- forth + miscēre to mix — more at pro-, mix
Date:: 1601

1 : composed of all sorts of persons or things 2 : not restricted to one class, sort, or person : indiscriminate promiscuous distribution of diplomas — Norman Cousins> 3 : not restricted to one sexual partner 4 : casual, irregular <promiscuous eating habits>

From the root word of promiscuity, I realized that I am, indeed, a promiscuous person. But that does not change who I really am.

I had a lot of relationships before. But unlike others, I treasured each one of them. Each time I find someone to love, my whole world stops. Like a car losing control while you are driving 100 kph at the edge of a cliff.

My heart stops, completely, and I give in.

BUT - when I am not involved with anyone, I lose control. Thus the description PROMISCUOUS.

Am I a B*tch? Definitely. There is no denying that that word is a perfect definition for me. I do not care what others may say or feel. But I am. And in a very weird and fascinating way, I love b*tching around.

I have been a saint before. Now I ain't all that. What's funny is that I think SEX is just SEX! No amount of love should be involved. Of course, this is just my opinion. That is why I do not really care what other people think.

I am what I am. And what I am is a special creation.

I am my own religion.

I love myself.

I am promiscuous.

Why Not?

2008-01-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

Christmas came and went, and I never really found the need to tell everyone how it went. So in case you are wondering where I spent my Christmas, let's just say I celebrated it in my own way. I attended parties left and right, just to get me through the season. I am sure glad that is over.

2008 is a very promising year for me. This year I think I will fulfill some of my dreams. Maybe this year I would get to ride a plane. Maybe I would experience riding a boat to somewhere like Palawan. Maybe. But I am sure I will not be stuck on top of this mountain. It is time for me to go where I want to go. Life is starting to get a bit boring.

Stress has always been part of my vocabulary since I have started working in the Contact Center business. So I guess I have accepted it as part of my daily existence. What I am having a hard time, though, are people who think they are better than everyone else. I understand, I think I am better than some people. But not to the point of actually being a "know it all". Close friends in the office know who I am talking about. And since that person does not have any social life, much more a connection to the outside world via Internet, I guess it would be safe to assume that that person wouldn't know how I loathe "it".

I am not a hater. As much as possible I make sure that I have good relations with everyone. What makes me really hate some people is when they are pretentious. I hate that. I have never been pretentious in my entire life. I would tell everyone about what I feel, no matter what consequences this may bring to me.

I used to love going to work. It was my haven when I want to get away from the real world. But now every time I sit in front of my workstation, I realize that there is more for me out there. I have been trying to think hard about not resigning, but now that I have come to the point where just the thought of work makes me stressed, I am beginning to think otherwise.

I want to be someone else, someone who is seen by others as a free spirit. I have been that before. I want to be that again.

This year will definitely bring a lot of changes for me. I am now fully aware that I have no savings, and that I need a huge amount of moolah to get me out of that hellhole. I managed before. I can manage now.

I am just scared that I may not be able to follow through. I have read my journals before and realized that some of my plans have not even materialized. It is definitely time to come out of my cocoon, and, as what the Buenavista family say, "put my first footstep in the moon".

There is always something beyond the dark skies.

And, as the saying goes, "WHY NOT?"

Horrible Holiday

2007-11-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

It's just a couple of days till December. And it has actually started to get cold as hell outside. I hate the holidays. I just hate it. Whenever I tell someone that I hate Christmas, they go blank (the kind where it's just dead silent and you can hear crickets). They ask me why I hate it that much and I just do not have the strength to explain everything to them. It just boils down to one thing.

I hate being alone on Christmas.

Since I was a child, I never had a real family to spend Christmas with. With my mom abroad and my dad going loco, I never enjoyed Family gatherings. Yup, my brother would say he feels the same crappy way too.

Aside from having no real family to spend the holidays with, I also have never experienced having a lover during the holidays. The last time I had a Christmas relationship, it turned to be just that - a Holiday fling. Nobody goes "ho-ho-ho" in a post Holiday break up. :(

I think that would answer all their questions.

I love Christmas songs though. They somewhat make me long for that one simple kiss that ends the day after a cup of hot cocoa by the fireplace. I love the cold because I feel very comfortable under a nice toasty comforter. Sigh. Now I am feeling nauseous and depressed.

To the Best Mom in the World

2007-09-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

Coffee date with my only brother. It has become a staple activity, once a month, usually on the second week. I have never been close to my brother before, but as they say, absence makes the heart go fonder.

We have talked about everything before, but now, the Daniel Lem I knew since childhood became so simple, stronger, and more intellectual. Our monthly coffee date became something that I never imagined. We talked about family, something that has become such a touchy topic for me.

We never knew who our real parents are. We are from different birth mothers, but we only recognize one, our Mother, who had to go through tremendous hardships just to get us to where we are right now. In the course of our conversation, he told me something that I had never thought about, something that I don't have the courage to even say out loud. he talked about the possibility of us getting old and our parents going to somewhere more peaceful. I mean, it is a fact of life. People come and go. See, I can't even write the word, much more utter it. I haven't thought of going through life without my parents, my mom in particular. She has always been my strength, my beacon.

If people only knew how hard it is to live aside from your family, knowing that they are just a jeepney drive away. I chose to savor independence, and though it is really tough in the real world, I have to get away from my comfort zone - my family - and live on my own.

"I can't bear to think about Mama dying," he said.
"Then don't think about it," I replied.

I wanted to tell him that I am scared too, knowing that in a decade, or hopefully in 3 decades, my mom or dad would pass away to a better place. It made me sad just to know that that is a possibility.

It made me think of what I have now, of where I am, and it makes me want to be better in what I do. I pray that before that time comes, I could at least do something, or give something to the only woman I would ever love in my entire life.

I talked to her once, after a long while, after she left for Italy. I was glad to know that she was in her best health. I was actually happy that after 18 years in the land of gladiators and olive oil she finally toured Monaco, and has plans of going to Paris. I envy my Mom. I wish I could be her.

If there is one thing that I would remember until the day I die, it would be that one time when I held her hand and commented that she had rough hands, like me.

"These are beautiful hands," she said. "They are working hands."

I couldn't agree less, she had the most beautiful hands in the world. In those hands I was born and raised. Those hands made me who I am right now.

This is for all the moms in the world. You make the world a better place to live in. Without you nothing would be what they are.

I love you Ma, you are the sunshine of my life.

Happy Birthday.

Manhattan and Happiness

2007-08-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with Manhattan.

As any obsessed person would know, being obsessed means always thinking about it. Dreaming that you are in that place. Just knowing that in a couple of years you'll soon wear that dreamy pair of sandals you bought half price at a Shoe Sale walking the streets of Lower - or Upper Manhattan.

Maybe it's Sex and the City. Or it maybe the dream itself. I am amazed about how much I think of Manhattan. NYC. The Big Apple. I dream of being able to enter Wall Street and just be there, in the midst of all the hustle and bustle.

Oh, how I dream about Manhattan.

Manhattan, if you think about it, is a lot like Baguio, my home. It can get VERY cold sometimes. Or very warm in certain months. Manhattan is a place of "many hills", just like Baguio. And just like my hometown it has a lot of places to go to, restaurants to eat at.

Session Road, like the famed Golden Gate Bridge, has been a haven for those who do not have someone in their lives. And just like Carrie Bradshaw, I have nothing much to do except fret about being single, and write feelings for everyone to see.

Plans in my life ALWAYS involve Manhattan. Someday, I would also see those sailors, and maybe I could hook me up with someone. Just like Miranda. Or Samantha Jones.

Writing this entry makes me realize I am not obsessed with Manhattan itself. It's with the dream of someday, I would be just like the people in the series I grew to love. Too busy to care, too busy with life to even think about the bad things going on around them.

I glance into my Golden Gate Bridge and wonder how life would be after 15 years. Will I still be the same? I have changed a lot, I know, and with that a lot of people are affected. People I always think highly of, people that make me who I am.

Someday, when I am standing, looking at the real Golden Gate Bridge, I will remember this entry, and the people I wouldn't want to leave behind, but have to, for me to find real happiness.

Ah. Now I know. I am obsessed with finding real bliss.It is not Manhattan.Nor Sex and the City.

It's finding genuine happiness.

Pain

2007-08-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

Pain. Everybody goes through them. Physically, every time someone experiences any illness, a common headache perhaps, we are assured that sooner or later it will go away. But emotionally - ah - it is fact that it will never go away that easily. In fact, it may never be a bright sunshiny day for some of us.

I have heard a song so many times before. In fact, I have memorized most of the lines myself. It has been one of my favorites, the first song I have ever saved in my MP3 player, and it is still there. I have tried my best not to hear the song, listen, yes, but hear? It pains me that somewhere, a long time ago, I sang the song in front of someone I have loved for the longest time. It was a song I have lovingly dedicated to the one person that made me think ok my future with. The song was full of hope, full of earnest patience. In the future, we will all have better days, it said. And in order to be in a better life, one should get through the night.

It was a busy night last night. I had a lot of work to do, things thought about. The player was silently playing in the corner of the office, to give comfort to those who would like to have a break in the middle of the shift. Then there is was, the song. My best pal, who sat next to me, told me about her conversation with the person I dedicated the song to.

"He said 'This is Chaz' song.'" She said.

I was surprised. How could one song make me want to cry, again, after a couple of days that I haven't thought about him? Was it because that song was heartfelt-fully sung in front of an eager crowd? Was is because in a way, he felt what I felt when I sang that song? Or was it because he knew that I am still hurt with the situation that we are both in. I wondered, aloud, to my best pal, about being able to get through the pain I have been going through.

Funny to think that I have gotten over it. I thought I was. But that song brought me back to my senses. I could never really get through this. If there are any closures to make, it would be with my feelings, my emotions.

I thought I already made amends with myself. But I was wrong.

Pain.

Everybody goes through them.

Physically, like breaking a bone, it would go away, with a strong 500 mg pain reliever pill and a short period of time. But emotionally, like having your heart broken, can take a long while to heal.

I am still hoping for better days.

I will make it through the night.

Going Straight

2007-08-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

Once you've joined the bandwagon, there is no turning back.

That's what I have always believed in. Realizing I was gay in the 3rd gay, it does count that I have reasons why I'd like to believe that. However, because of a recent event that rocked my belief to the core, I tend to ask a question: Is it really that possible to join the "other side" when you have been on "this side" for the longest time?

It is one of the nightmares a straight woman would never dream of having- learning your "better" half turns out to be gay. I have asked a friend about that before.

"What if you learned your lover was gay?" I asked, curious about what the "no-so-opposite" sex thought.

"I'd die" she said. "I'd die then die again."

A close friend once told me a story about finding out her lover was gay. She told me her ex-lover did not admit he was. He just thought it was silly. She thought it was silly too. Until she found her ex in bed, with another man.

Maybe it's because I have cursed the label "hopeless romantic" already. Or maybe it is the fact that I don't think I would be happy living a lie. But I really don't think it would work. Call me pessimistic. I don't think a "straight-woman-gay-man" scenario would work.

Not unless both parties know ALL about the other person. And that would require a lot of courage, not to mention denial.

Do not get me wrong, I think in love, nothing is impossible. There are no barriers in loving someone, not even any if's or but's. Everything is fair in war and love.

That is where the real question lies. I am confused, can a real woman really love someone, knowing that the person she loves may love someone else, someone that has something she could never have? Can a gay man actually love a woman, with all his heart, without looking at the man at the next line, realizing that he has rock hard abs?

Okay, it is not a question on loving someone. It all boils down to one thing - being able to remain faithful no matter what temptation comes. Now that's something we really should think of.

To my friend, who have found real love in an unexpected situation - at least for me - I am happy for you. You have found love, something that I have been looking for for my entire life. In a way, I envy you, because someone has accepted you for who you are. I just wish that even if everything changes, you would remain the same person I have known for a while.

Congratulation, you have now gone straight.

The Case of the "Pancit" Date

2007-08-08T06:05:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of working during graveyards shifts is being able to go on early morning dates. The bad thing about it is that if the person you have just met is really interested in you, it's either he is too young (and on the way to school), to old (can't sleep because of athritis), or is just to plain ugly (the "what-do-i-have-to-lose" guys). Yeah, I know, I sound really really conceited. But really, most of the guys I meet during earl mornings are (sorry) sore losers.

Being in a bad date is like being in a boat ride in Burnham. You know the water is murky, and it definitely smells like sewage (cause it is sewage), but you and your tourist friends still ride an overpriced boat just for the heck of it.

A bad date has three factors:
1. Me, and my hopeless quest for someone to truly love,
2. Him, and his awfully quiet or sometimes bad date demeanor, and
3. An overpriced restaurant or cafe where a bowl of overcooked pasta sells for at least half the price of the entire building.

Yes, we have been through bad dates. A night out with a date usually ends up with him drunk and you covered in puke. A stroll in the park with him in GOd-forbid tsinelas and you in a Choo. Ordering an expensive coffee at a cafe, not knowing that he does not have money and you have to pay for it.

But nothing beats a Pancit Date. This kind of date usually involves you, him, and a bowl of pancit. Yes, pancit. Pasta would be nice. Fetuccini Carbonara, or a bowl of piping hot Pasta Putanesca to warm your cold belly. But pancit?

It is not that I have anything against the typical Filipino merienda fare. It is just that if you would like to please someone, pancit is definitely NOT the food to place on the table.

Rei, a very good friend, was with me a couple of days ago. It was my restday and I wanted a change of scenery. So we talked. And having brought up the situation where he met a couple of gay guys who bought pancit for him to stay, I cant help but laugh. I mean, it really is not the food. I love pancit just as much as the people at the other table. It is just that a lot of people right now cover the fact that they are something they aren't! I mean, I wear makeup and huge earrings just as an expression, but these guys wear men's clothes, but has an inch-thick application of foundation on their faces. Talk aboout confused.

I know, I really don't make sense right now. Maybe it's because I am also confused. I mean, I love pancit and I am still looking for the right man.

Maybe with the right man, a plate of pancit wouldn't be bad, after all.

I Miss Me

2007-08-02T00:56:00.001-07:00

In the dark night, I am amazed to see a light
At the hidden corner of the room.

A hidden corner in a dim room where
the only thing I see is me.

The light flickered, like a burning candle
ready to give up, the breeze forcing it to die.

I covered the flame with my hand,
I was amazed.

Twas the first time I saw my hands.
My own hands.

And I never let it go until
the wax it lived on boiled up to smoke.

My eyes tried to find the light.
Nothing was left.

So there I was.
In the middle of the dark room.
In the middle of hurt, and pain.
I was back to the place I have known so well.
The room of loneliness and sadness.

Here,in the quiet, I miss you.
But most of all...

I miss the light.

I miss me.

Alexandria

2007-07-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

Is it over? Am I alone again?
Has the sun finally set?
Is my world in the dark again?
I woke up in the glittering sun,
There was too much light, I squinted.
And when I got used to the warmth,
to the shining, shimmering sunlight,
It ended.
Just like that.
Like a candle finally giving in to the breeze.

I sit in the corner of my dark room,
It was flooded with light before.
I listen to the murmurs from the distance,
asking me why I finally succumbed to darkness.

"I finished the book," I said,
a tear flowing from my eye.
"I finished the book," I said again,
not knowing why.

My Alexandria's full of scrolls,
bound books that where never meant to be there.
And there, before the light flickered to death,
I put the book I finished
I never got to the end.
I just knew what would happen.

So I closed the heavy book I held in my hands
and placed it with the others I have read.

In the dark corner I drifted to sleep.
In the dark corner of my Alexandria I wept.

Is it over? Am I alone again?
In the dark corner of my Alexandria
I wait for the sun to shine again.

The Long, Lonely Road to Him

2007-07-27T03:49:00.000-07:00

So there I was, in the midst of 3rd class hotels and videoke joints frequented by old, drunk farts, inside a chessy drag show bar. A nice, old but goodlooking drag queen starting lipsynching to a song I haven't heard for a while. It was a poem I was trying to tell him. I am loving again, and I wanted him to know that he was who I wanted to love, forever.

It was the second night. Everybody came to the office on Sunday, when it all begun. The news was welcomed with mixed emotions. Many dreaded that day. I looked forward to it. The fact that our job was in jeopardy did not compare to the excitement I felt. This was what I was waiting for. Rest, at last. The past few weeks after the promotion was tiring, I needed space.

When our Manager OIC told us that we needed to take leaves - forced leaves - I looked at my dear friend, Di Anne, and told her that this was it, that this was what we were looking for. We immediately planned for a much-deserved relaxation "thingie", and we decided to take a visit to Asin, a popular Hot Spring Resort center around 20 minutes away from the heart of Baguio City.

We rode a jeep to Asin, just the two of us, and enjoyed a whole day of just swimming and basking in the sun while submerged in warm, inviting jacuzzis. It was heaven. Pure bliss.

It was day 1, and we planned that by day 4 we would be sitting on a sidewalk at Session Road begging for food. The plan turned around. At 12:00 am, we found ourselves sitting on Ben's car, to Manila, after he had invited us to come with him to the Big City.

Arriving at Makati at around 5 a.m., we had coffee at the only Starbuck's which had a room for smokers, at Legaspi. That was after a warm, sweaty walk looking for an open Starbucks around the Harbour, Baywalk, and Malate.

Coffee finally ended and we found ourselves at a hotel along Makati Avenue. We slept for a couple of hours and had late dinner at Hai, a restaurant near Highstreet, near the Fort. It was Chinese food, and we loved it. We met new friends, and I introduced her to MamaBelz, and Zenos, Ben's friends way back from Elementary and College, part of Casa Guapa.

After a walk at Highstreet, Nath called us, telling us that we had to go back to Baguio, because operations will start the next day. So after that call we decided to ride MamaBel'z car to Cubao and visit Palawan. We danced the night away, after the drag queens showed us what they got. It was the end of the 2nd day.

Di Anne's departure was dramatic, to say the least. She was crying, thanking me and Ben for a wonderful time. It was her first "wala lang" visit to Manila, and I was glad to be part of it.

That night, before I went to bed, I asked a question so innocent, I thought the answer was the only way to my salvation. It was the end of everything. It was the end of my life.

He answered my question with honesty, something I have always expected in our friendship. what I didn't expect was the intensity of pain I was going to feel.

I slept crying, not knowing what to do. I wanted to go back to my heaven, to Baguio, where everything seems to be alright. But I fought that feeling.

When I woke up, I decided to stay, even for just a few hours. I wanted to be with him, to savor the moment that we were alone, together.

That day became the longest and loneliest day I have ever had, like the car drive from Kanlaon to the Bus Station at Pasay. I wanted to jump out of the car, to wave for a cab and get on the earliest bus.

It was 6:00 pm of day 3 when I got on the bus back to Baguio. There, he stood, with the person he loves, my bestfriend. Inside the bus was me, the man that loved him even if it hurt me like hell.

I slept all the way to Baguio. Except for the ocassional cigarette breaks on bus stops, I remained on my seat, trying to fight the tears that wanted to come out.

Baguio City was the same. Cold, foggy, like I left it a couple of days ago. And when I saw the familiar roads and street lights, I sighed. I was back home - back to where I belong.

I rode a cab home and immediately laid down on my own bed, in my leased apartment. I closed my eyes and remained calm. It was the end of a very long struggle.

It was the end of the long, lonely road to him.

Voyeur

2007-07-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'd like to now what they are thinking.

I'd like to know who they are.

In the sentences they write,

the songs they sing.

He wrote about saying goodbye, about thinking

someone was his forever love.

He was wrong.

I was wrong.

I'd like to know who this man is,

The man who loved.

The man who got hurt.

The man who bled.

The man with the likeness of Adam,

the heart of Eve.

The Eve that stood in the corner

of love and hate.

I watched him as he slowly died.

I watched him and thanked God it wasn't me.

It was not me who died that night.

That night it rained.

Yes, everytime someone we knew was sad,

it rained.

It rained that night, that same night

the man with Eve's heart and me.

We lost something that night.

Our dignity.

Our hopes.

Shattered into a million little pieces.

I'd like to know what you are thinking.

I'd like to know who you are.

In the sentences you write,

the songs you sing.

To the man with Adam's likeness,

and the heart of Eve.

I envy you.

At least you have said your last goodbye.

A Cup of Coffee

2007-07-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

Almost all the blogs I have read - well, most of the blogs made by gay men anyway - have the word "coffee" in it somewhere.

Coffee addicts, caffeine freaks, coffee beans, coffee cakes, coffee conversations.

Somehow, I relate to them. What does coffee have anyway?

The bitter black liquid has become a staple to every gay man above 18. Now it's this bean concoction, and unless its piping hot and $3.00 for a tall cup, it does not count. Maybe it's the high. Or the wakefulness - that sudden burst of energy that will eventually dwindle to nothing. Or the company.

Hey, I enjoy coffee even if I am alone. With a cancer stick on one hand and a mugful of fresh, brewed coffee on the other. Somehow, there's comfort in coffee. Like a warm, lazy Sunday afternoon, or a cozy night on a fuzzy carpet by a fireplace. The warmth fills a cold emptiness in anyone's existence, a wonderful bliss out of a heavy burden and a dramatic life.

In a way, that cup of coffee we always hold in our hands become a connection to friendship, a link to love sought.

I have a fantasy. About meeting Mr. Right. I am alone, in a coffee shop, nursing my Tall Caramel Macchiato, when someone comes over and asks me if the seat is taken. I will tell the guy it isn't, then instead of taking the chair to another table, he would sit down, and we will have a conversation so long that the coffee shop crew actually asks us to go because they have to close up. After that long, meaningful conversation over coffee, he would actually ask me out. He will get my phone number then we will have dinner.

Then we will have kids.

Then we will buy a house in the suburbs and live happily ever after.

IT'S A FANTASY, dang it.

So there. A fantasy had boiled from a cup of coffee.

A cup of coffee boiled from a handful of beans from the Amazon or somewhere.

A cup of coffee that brought friends together and made iron-clad relationships.

A cup of coffee that, for the next half hour, becomes my lover.

A cup of coffee that will be my constant companion no matter who leaves...

... or whoever stays.

Foggy, Faggy Baguio

2007-07-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

(An ode to Sarah Jessica Parker's fictional Carrie Bradshaw character)

Baguio City. Home to fresh strawberries, fresh air and foggy faggy nights.

I am a 20 something, single, healthy gay man in a 90 something highly urbanized, cold climated city on top of the mountain ranges in a 3rd world country. People around me are constantly seeking for something all the time. A loaf of freshly baked bread, a cup of brewed coffee, the perfect pair of shoes, or, in my case, a love life.

Sounding like a personal ad for a long term relationship, I can not help but wonder why I, a very kind and outgoing gay guy, can not find someone who would love me like I want them to. And then it hits me. I am not what they are looking for. Most gay men in this city today looks for the same thing. Someone goodlooking enough to walk up and down Session Road with, or someone goodlooking enough to be in bed with.

Well, sorry.

Aside from the fact that I tend to hate model-gorgeous guys, I tend to believe that I do not have to go to the gym just to burn the fats and attract a male specimen. Nope, not me.

A couple of days ago, my friends at the office planned a "couples night out." We all get it. Friday night, a couple of beer bottles, and your closest friends with their lovely partners dancing the night away in each other's arms. Yuck.

I have enjoyed being single for at least 5 months, and believe me, it has been a blast. The fact is, as much as I want to give up being single just to be with someone special at the end of a tiring day, I enjoy being able to go out whenever I want and be with anybody I want. The thing is, I am in deep sh*t with work that I have shunned social life altogether. Not to mention my sex life.

I have a text mate. Yes, a text mate. A guy in his teens looking for someone to talk to. I tell him I am gay, and in a minute he sneds me a text message that somewhat read like disbelief.

"U R GAY?" he asked, all in BOLD, CAPITAL letters.

Hey, he was texting the biggest queer of all! But I was desperate, so I lied.

"Well," I said. "I just don't believe in Bisexuality."

True, to say the least. I do not believe in Bisexuality at all! I mean, if you have eaten "hotdogs" before, eating "shellfish" does not count anymore. Once you are gay, you are gay. So there, I was a 20 something "bisexual-who-does-not-believe-in-bisexuality" guy in cold, foggy city.

This morning, when I woke up, I decided to call the dentist and set up an appointment for teeth cleaning, and after I took a quick shower, I rushed to the clinic to avoid being late. Half an hour waiting in the dentist's comfortable but tight waiting room, I began to wonder - was I doing this because I wanted to look good, or is it because I wanted to feel good about myself? As the dentist sucked the blood out of my poor gums, I decided I was doing it to feel good. I have always been an advocate of feeling good to look good.

After the dentist appointment I went to my favorite salon and had a long overdue pedicure. The pedicurist had a hard time picking out my ingrown, and as I felt pain while she tugged on a very stubborn nail, I couldn't help but smile. I had gone through two painful beauty rituals, but when I looked into the mirror, it was just me! Just plain, old me. I stepped out of the salon and walked away, rushing to the nearest exit to get a much needed cigarette high. I puffed a cig and looked at my now-pink-toes. Gee, it really feels nice to have clean feet.

Session Road is now covered in fog, and I feel happy. I missed the old Baguio, the one I grew up in. Before it was all fog, almost deserted Session Road and just a handful of cars. Now it's smog, thousands of people and old, carbon monoxide emitting taxis. But I feel happy. And my feet is clean. I stop for a moment and thank God I am single. At least I can still enjoy foggy afternoons alone.

Now if someone could just be with me to enjoy this wonderful day.

Talk about irony.

Complaining Again

2007-07-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

It's 5.oo am MNL time. I am famished, stressed, and irritated. Work is a blast, and I love what I am doing. It has started raining again, and I can't breathe.

Yes, I am complaining. Probably because I am tired. But at least I am not whining about my love life. THAT sucks.

I just came from work and I am really happy that I have the job. It is very fulfilling, to say the least.

The emails, the calls, the training, the constant changes. I LOVE it. But one thing is sure, nothing beats working when you get the salary you deserve. I have extra jobs, no extra monetary compensation. Now that's sad.

Our electricity was cut the other day, we did not have the time to pay the bill. Talk about darkness. It is a good thing I work at night. At least I slept better. But it was wonderful to learn that electricity is back. I get to watch those BelAmi guys before hitting the sack.

It has officially been 3 months since the last time I made love with someone. Now if lack of sex kills, I would be dead now. Ha ha. I am a walking, talking, sex-deprived zombie. LOL.

So I am famished, stressed, tired, sleep deprived and sex deprived.

I am complaining.

The Battlefield

2007-07-11T03:47:00.000-07:00

"I'm already in my own watchtower where my towerblock lords over the silencing of the fields. I'm already in my watchtower where bloodshed is not near."

Someone told me that. And the funny thing is that I wanted to be there, in the middle of that battlefield he was talking about. The fields where everybody was fighting for one thing, and that being his heart.

He is Helen of Troy. A thousand ships sank because of him. And I survived the shipwreck. I stood there, in the middle of the field, my loins girded, my battle helmet in my hand and my shield in the other. I was wondering why I needed the shield, I was already wounded, hurt from the previous battle I was in. But I kept in near, hoping that my heart won't be speared, yet again.

I saw him, in his watchtower, looking over the soldiers vying for his love. He was there, resplendent in his silver armour and feathered helmet. His face glittered with hope that someday, the war will be over. He knows he had lost, that was why he left the battle to rest on top of everything. He wanted to leave, but he knew he needed to be there, to find out who wins.

His kingdom was torn, the war was between the Loved and the Loving. He loved him. He cannot let go of him, and although he knows someone is trying to win over his heart, he also knows that the loving person will not win. He knows, and yet he continues to watch over the bloodshed.

I am the Loving. And although I know I won't win, I carry my shield and my sword. I stand, in the middle of the war, letting my shining shield catch his eye. And yet he is focused on the other soldier, the one that slashed my heart into two.

The Loved soldier rode his horse to where I was, and I was surprised, hurt, and bleeding. And yet I kept my eye on him, the one on the Watchtower. I longed for him to stop looking at the Loved. I am here. I am Loving, I am loving you like I haven't loved anyone before.

As my heart bled, I was thankful that I was there, in the middle of the battlefield. I have proven that I am worth it, I know I can do it, and yet, without any hope that he will see me as what I want him to see me, I long for the end of it all.

My armor shone, in the setting sun, and I smiled as he smiled too, not at me, but at the Loved.

It was the end of the war.

As I stumbled, blood pouring into the grass, my life ending with a broken heart, I saw him look at me, and shake his head.

"I am not worth it, he seemed to say."

Oh, but you are my love. You are worth the blood I am spilling.

So in the battlefield, the man in the watchtower walked to the Loved soldier, and they rode their horses into the sunset.

I was left there, in the middle of the battlefield, the battlefield that I fought on.

I do not have any regrets. At least I died in my own terms.

At least I fought for you.

Waiting for the Rain to Stop

2007-07-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

It was raining in Malate.

Of all the nights it can rain, it would be now, when it was the only time I had to enjoy a little piece of heaven.

It was a road trip, down to Manila, for the first time in the 24 years of my existence. I have never been to Manila alone, just once, and it was for something really important. I was with two great friends, Kiko, and Ben.

Manila was great, it wasn't like what I have always thought it was, the gateway to hell.

The air was just right, not scorching hot, and the taxi drivers were friendly.

The first night was spent just horsing around, taking pictures and sleeping. After the night we arrived, we headed to the mall, where we bought some things for that night's Pride Party at Malate. I was personally excited. I always wanted to dance to the beat of the bars I have heard of in stories, places I have only imagined in my daydreams.

That night, garbed in my precious white tank top, new silver chandeliers and trusty white leather sandals, I travelled to Malate. It was quite a short distance from the hotel we were staying at. Ben had a date, so it was just me, and Allan, a very good friend from Pampanga, and his friend, Jenny. Kiko stayed at the hotel, waiting for his lover to arrive from Europe.

It amazed me. Every street corner was full of gay men. Men just like me. Men who loves men. People Like Me. I was immediately mesmerized. This was Malate.

Then, just like that, the wind blew in from the South and it starting raining. Not the "cat and dog" kind of rain, but the drizzly, "sticky-when-you-dry-up" kind of rain.

My gold makeup was the first thing I tried to protect. I spent half an hour just trying to perfectly put the goddamn gold powder on my face. My hair was wet, and Allan, Jenny and I were running to and fro, looking for some of my Manila friends at the numerous bars around.

At last, after another heavy downpour, we got to the Rainbow Project, where some of my friends were. There, I realized, that no matter how eager I am to see my Manila friends, I would love to see someone else, be with someone else, dance with someone else.

He promised me he will be there. He told me he was going to be with me the entire night.

He did not come.

But I waited. He said he was coming.

At the Bed, I danced my heart out. The music throbbed in my ears as I moved, I ignored the beautiful men around me. My Baguio friends would envy me, I thought. Surrounded by beautiful, half naked men, and not a care in the world.

I was drenched in sweat, I felt like the queen of the night, but I was not happy.

The night ended like it ended before. One by one, my companions went home.

I was still hoping he would come. He promised he would come.

It was 4:00 am. In the middle of the street I walked, looking for a place to rest my tired, sandalled feet. After an hour in a nearby Starbucks I stood up, and I continued walking. I decided to go home, I was tired.

It rained in Malate that night.

It rained like it never rained before.

And as the cab I rode drove away from the place I thought was heaven, I wondered - when will I stop waiting for the rain to stop?

C E N S O R E D

2007-06-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

In a world where almost everything sells because of the concept of SEX, it is quite ironic that a site that promotes the freedom of speech and the ability to express one's feelings can get banned just because of some people who post pictures showing their true selves.

I am against the censorship of FLICKR in some countries. I want freedom, I have fought for mine. The people of the world deserves complete freedom - freedom of everything from expressing one's self to choosing one's orientation.

Here is to FLICKR and it's continuous effort to serve people who are unique.

Diwata

2007-06-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

Ikaw na ang maging Diwata...

I Will Be Ok

2007-06-09T04:22:00.000-07:00

Life is unfair. Everybody knows that. But what's unfair is that the truth that you can never have everything you have ever wanted in your life.

I am in a dark place right now, after a long while I am back to where I have tried not be at. When my former lover told me that he had found someone else I didn't even feel any remorse. I was at peace. But right now, when I am beginning to love again, I am in deep sh*t.

Truth is, I am bringing this on to myself. I am looking for something that I can never have, someone who cannot love me back. I am in paranoia, the one that makes you think everyone is ganging up on you. I am afraid that somewhere in the near future, before I die, I would really be alone, with everyone having someone else, and me left alone in an unforgiving cold tundra, waiting for the sun to set.

I am not at ease, my feet are tired but I long to feel the pain. I can not breathe because I am forcing myself to stay underwater, for fear that when I get out of the tides I will disintegrate into
nothingness. I want to be alive, even when it hurts.

I wanted to die before, to just ease my pains, and let everyone mourn of loss. But I guess no one will be there at my wake, so I'll just stay alive. At least even if it hurts me to see all the people around me getting along just fine, I know I still have the chances of changing my life.

Nothing is constant but change, another proverb. To me the only thing that doesn't change is the need to go on, to face obstacles and fight for the right to live.

If you are reading this and you are happy, embrace happiness, never let go. If you are not, happiness is just a state of mind.

I will be ok. I can never let myself down.

My Happy Sunshine Corner

2007-05-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

"It took me 2 months to fall in love, 2 weeks to realize I cant have you, 2 days to try to fall out of love, and a lifetime to forget about you. And that's all the time I have. I guess I won't be your happy sunshine corner anymore."

For the past few weeks, it took me one person to realize that I am really a beautiful and strong person. Not as strong as Samson, or as beautiful as Delilah. But as strong as the bamboo waving in a strong gust of wind, and as beautiful as the sun ready to set into the blue and black horizon.

This entry serves a purpose, as an open letter to someone that have been an important part of my life.

Dear You.

Thank you, for being there when no one was around.

Thank you, for showing me that I can love no matter what the obstacles are.

Thank you, for making me realize my potentials and making me work harder for a much deserved life.

Thank you, for setting me free and for showing me that there can a sting to honesty, but that sting will awaken us to reality.

I can not say I can stay, nor can I say that I will leave.

This world is too small for us, so I will just let life take its course, like water in the neverending water bed.

The truth is, when I met you, I knew I wanted someone like you. And I know we can never get EVERYTHING we wanted in our life.

One person "lost", one person gained. Thanks for bringing another person into my life. Without you, I could never have met one of the best persons in my life right now.

So there, no matter what happened or what happens, I will remain grateful for the heartache you have brought me.

Take Care Always, my Happy Sunshine Corner. You will always be a sunny part in my dark, cloudy existence.

knowing

2007-05-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

I know.
I have known since I first opened my eyes.
The dream.
It was the most unpleasant dream.
But I longed for every minute.
I would love to have that dream again.
You.
If you were mine you won't.
Shed a tear.
Walk a mile.
Carry a load.
Me.
Share the pain.
Drive the distance.
Push the cart.
If pain was constant.
You are my pill.
A bitter pill.
You.
Never will be mine.
Me.
Happiness.
With you here.
Just here.
In my dream.

The Desperate Housewives BUZZ

2007-04-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I am an addict. I confess. Its the glam, the drama, the story, everything about Desperate Housewives just makes me wanna STOP and imagine how life would be if I was in Wisteria Lane. Yup, to be seeing Mike Delfino or Austin Britt topless, or Gabrielle Solis hooking up with the gorgeous John (Jesse Metcalfe), would make me really really happy.

Even Oprah Winfrey was hooked up with the awesome show. She even had an Oprah episode where she made a 10 minute spoof, pretending she was a "Wisteria Lane" housewife. She even got a fake husband!!! Now that IS entertaining.

I really can't get enough of Wisteria Lane. The stories just keep on getting better!

And the promotional pictures? Oh, the promo pix of DH are to DIE for. The picture above is one of the best, taken at a Laundry shop or whatever. Hmmm... kinda makes me wanna wash my own clothes. :) The picture is very ironic, the glam in the ordinary... Makes me just wanna smile...

Lifetime Warranty

2007-04-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

Whoa. My conversion is DROPPING, DROPping, dropping...
They put me on the f*ckin' Prio 1, making me take most of the calls that should be divided EQUALLY between all of the agents here. What are they trying to do? KILL my conversion, then FIRE me for not having good stats???

Sh!t, this day sucks. To think that I wore my one of my favorite shirts. Believe it or not, I am typing at one word per minute. After typing one word, my phone rings again, I have to do the entire lame spiel AND THEN, as typical as it may seem, it's a customer service call, or a workable call BUT I don't close the sale.

I have one sale today. One sale without any warranties. I have to have another sale with an attachment. OR ELSE. There goes my monthly appraisal. How can I be regularized? I mean, I have been working with this company for 2 months, and I wouldn't want to recieve an email or a letter saying that I didn't get through, and that I will have to stay as a PROBY for another 6 months. Double sh!t.

It's 11 pm. The queue has finally ceased. I get the chance to at least relax and breathe in the air-conditioned air.

For a moment I get the feeling this day will eventually be OK.

I hope I get another sale.

I'll add a warranty to that f*ckin' sale.

I Miss You

2007-04-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

I miss you.

I long to touch your face and tell you that I love you. I have never like this before. I want to settle down and grow old with you.

You are the one that I have been waiting for my entire life. You are the one that I think about each time I wake up in the morning. The one I think about before I eat my lunch. Sound a little cheesy, but yes, I really can't stop thinking about you.

All my life I have been waiting for the time when I can experience being loved for who I am, no pretensions. You came to my life and made me realize how colorful life is. You are my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The icing on my cake.

Boo, before you came I felt really sorry for myself. I was in oblivion. Now I can definitely say that the days are brighter, colors more vibrant. I long to be with you. I want to feel your embrace.

My love, no one can come close to me as you did. Only God knows how happy I am knowing that someone has finally come to be my savior. You saved me from myself, you saved me from the limbo that was about to eat me whole. I was dying to die before you came. Now I long to LIVE.

I.
Love.
You.

Three words that can never be enough to tell you that I really do care for you. I adore you. Ti amo. Minamahal kita.

Today, as the world turns, as I wait for the sun to rise, I softly utter you name and wish that this is not a dream. I want to go to sleep and wake up knowing that this is the truth, that this is really the calm after the storm.

I love you. No, that's a lie. This is more that just love that I feel. You are my life. I continue existing because you are there.

I, William Charles Zenith, love you.

A contract will never be enough to fortify this feeling.

A hug will never be enough to let you feel what I feel.

A kiss will never be enough.

You are my love. My existence.

I love you. More than words can say.

And I miss you.

A Pianist's Dream - PROLOGUE

2007-04-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

PROLOGUE

Her hands moved gracefully on the keys of the piano, playing the deep and dramatic notes of a song masterfully created by a deaf man a long time ago. It was very obvious that the song was her favorite, for she has mastered the song, her emotions are clearly visible from the way her body swayed, her eyes closed as tears dropped from the windows of her soul.

A breeze blew from an open window, and her long white locks danced like ballerinas on stage. The pianist stopped playing and closed the piano's cover. She sat in front of the piano for a long time, staring at a picture taken so many years ago.

The picture showed two persons, both of them wearing black pants and white long sleeved shirts. Their ties were of different colors, although the picture has faded and the colors are not discernable. Their hair were jet black and well combed, there faces austere and unsmiling. Both of them were carrying rolled up pieces of paper. A school's logo and name was on the picture.

The pianist took the frame and touched the faces on the picture. She stood after placing the picture back on the piano. The pianist carefully walked towards the open window and stared at the garden outside. She savored the cool breeze and closed her eyes.

A door opened and a man entered the room.

"'Tay," the man said. "Its time to go. "

Lost for Words...

2006-12-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

I am at lost for words. I have summarized what I was suppose to say in this post while I was walking to the nearest internet cafe. But when I got here, I have lost track of what I would have been typing right now. It is so ironic, how easily I forget things, when,in fact, I have never wanted to lose track of anything that has happened in my life. I keep a diary because I would want to remember details of what has occured in my life during the day. But still, here I am, trying to remember the beautiful words that I have weaved before.

I think I should be talking about my lovelife. My ex has been texting me, and I have been reassured by him that he has indeed loved me, and it was just because he was in another relationship that gave me enough reason to break up with him. I never forgot how much I loved him. I told him that he will always have a special place in my heart.

I sent a text message to my "anak" a while back, telling him that I already know that I will never experience happiness anymore, and that I think I really have to live with it. He replied, saying I deserve happiness and that I will find it eventually. Then he asked me if we can make babies. I didn't reply. I didn't have time for humor.

One of my new found friends, "Mighty" told me that to let go of someone, I would have to let the wind carry the memories away, and that I have to focus on my future. I replied, saying that as much as I want to, the wind is blowing my direction, and it is obstructing my view. A desert storm of unimaginable proportions covering my path to real happiness. What a BUGG3R...

Im lost for words again. I keep on staring at the monitor and wondering what I can say about what happened to my day.

I give up. I might as well try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day...

Sleeping All Day...

2006-12-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

The drizzling rain outside added to the already cold wind that envelopes Baguio City. In other words, its freezing like hell and I have been very lazy to even see the sky the whole day. I spent the entire morning and afternoon sleeping till I can't feel my toes anymore. Talk about being lazy.

Last year's December wasn't this cold. I can't even imagine how cold it is going to be this February. I might need another thick blanket.

I have friends coming over this Christmas from Manila and Ilocos. They want to spend Christmas here. Good for them. I have always dreamed of spending the Holidays somewhere warm. Like the Carribean. Or Florida. For now I would be spending my cold Christmas alone (well, not alone, my friends are gonna be there). Not that I haven't tried spending it alone before.

Well, got to go home and sleep (again). I have nothing to do but sleep. I lead a boring life...

Any Complaints?

2006-12-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

It's freezing in Baguio right now. I think it's below 10 degrees celcius and I have to wear my warmest turtleneck to avoid getting sick. Guess what? I caught the colds. Sh*t. My lips are cracked and they hurt like hell. Double sh*t.

I'm back to smoking 3 packs of cigs per day. And I drink beer like water. Talk about taking care of my health. I have decided to jog everyday though. I wake up at 5:00 am and jog around Burnham Park. Then I wake up from that dream, look at my watch and find out its 11:00 am. Now that's something to be proud of.

Here I am complaining about everything again. I will have to change my outlook in life. In fact, I am going to add this to my New Year's Resolutions. I hate New Year's Resolutions. There. I complained again. My "anak" is right. I complain too much. Haha.

4:00 am on my cellphone. I am going to wait for the sun to rise before I go home. Then I will sleep the whole day. Then I might go to Friday's for my weekly dose of stress reliever. I might wear something warm. I am beginning to hate the climate. Another complaint. No wonder people think I am a snob. I complain a lot.

Christmas Won't be the same without MICKEY.

2006-12-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

When I was a child, my dad and mom gave me a large Mickey Mouse stuffed toy as my Christmas gift. My mom told me it was from Santa. I knew they bought it for P100 at Tiongsan. It was big, twice as big as me. And that time it was already expensive. I also knew Santa didn't exist, but didn't care. I have Mickey with me.

Growing up, I never really had presents. Christmas, Birthdays, Graduations. No gifts. Just the ocassional peck on the cheek, tap on the shoulder or a hug. Just that. I never complained. Money was hard to get by those days. So I learned to be thankful for the health and love blah blah blah.

People don't even ask me what I want for Christmas. They have always asked me to give them one though. If they even bothered to ask, I would have asked for WORLD PEACE... or a digital camera... or both.

They said Christmas is in the air. I know of people who would rather celebrate Halloween than be part of the Yuletide season. I know it can be depressing, but who wouldnt want to spend Christmas with their family? Come to think of it, I have already spent 10 years in other people's houses to celebrate Christmas' Eve and New Year's Eve. It wasn't much fun at home. They all sleep early. That's how boring it is at home.

This year would be different. I'll definitely be alone. No family, no friends. Self exile is what I call it, being alone just to prove to everyone that I can make it. With or without them. I am a self-proclaimed masochist.

I wonder where that Mickey Mouse stuffed toy is? I think my mom threw it out together with the trash a couple of years ago. And together with it is the memory of Christmas past, when everyone was happy and hugging and kissing.

I miss those days.

Sa Bawat Patak ng Ulan

2006-12-07T08:42:00.001-08:00

(An old post I have written June 3, 2005. It still breaks my heart to read it.)

Sa bawat pagising ko ng umaga, ikaw ang laman ng isip ko...

Ewan ko kung bakit ganun, basta ang alam ko, gusto kitang makita,
kahit na mga letra lamang ng pangalan mo ang makita ko sapat na sa akin...

sa bawat patak ng ulan tandaan mo, kasama niyan bumubuhos ang pagibig na ilalaan ko para sa iyo...

kahit na pilit mong nilalayo ang sarili mo sa akin....

sa mundo ko, ikaw ang naghahari...
ang mayari ng puso ko.

sa mahihinang tibok ng puso ko naririnig ko ang pangalan mo
sa bawat patak ng ulan naririnig ko ang tibok ng puso mo....

ang tibok ng puso mong inilaan mo na para sa iba
naiinggit ako sa kanya, dahil alam kong siya lang ang magiging laman ng puso mo...
at kahit pilitin kong ipasok ang sarili ko sa mundo mo, hinding hindi tayo magiging para sa isat isa...

kaya heto, babalik na lang ako sa tabi ng aking bintana,
makikinig nang muli sa pagpatak ng ulan...

dahil alam ko,
sa bawat patak ng ulan,
andun ka,
naririnig kita...

Changes

2006-12-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

Yup. I have decided to look for other means of shouting out what I have in mind. I have created an account in Blogspot eons ago, unfortunately I have forgotten my password. Just like my account at Myspace. I have memory gap. I can't eat seafoods. Or I might have to have my brain reformatted.

My previous blog was in Friendster, so if you get a chance to take a look at it, you might wanna click on www.friendster.com/bogart (and send to 2366) and click on the part where it says "view blog". Or you can click on http://chaz_in_time.blogs.friendster.com/peanut_butter/ for a short cut. Either way you can view 45 of my previous blogs going back to the 18th century.

Anyways, starting now you might wanna check on this address every once in a while to check up on how a little boy like me would want to say about the world. Or my so called life.