Thank You.

It is true what they say about emotional pain hurts more than the physical kind. It is the kind of pain that lingers - the kind that you'll never really get over with in a short period of time.

I have been single for 4 months. 4 months and 2 days. I broke up with my ex on June 14th, a day before his birthday. Then he died on July 30. The pain I felt when I realized that I may never see him again did not compare to what I felt when I was informed that he passed due to Meningitis. I was devastated. I was a mess.

It took me a while to get over the loneliness that I initially felt. I mean, I still feel lonely sometimes, in fact I still get into those bouts of depression sometimes. But I am glad to say that I finally am okay.

Yes, there will be times when Sunday mornings would always remind me of staying in bed, holding hands and just talking. That videoke bar I still frequent, where the love story started, would always be one of my favorite places. The train I first rode with him will remain as one of the wildest rides of my life. And these are all going to be a huge part of me.

I would also like to take this time to thank the people who made me feel better after what happened. This was the time that I knew who my real friends are. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So now,  I am ready. I am ready to face whatever life would bring me.

Free

A lot of people have been asking me what happened to me recently.

I want this to be the last time to talk about it, so pardon me if I become melodramatic, or if I overshare. But this is what I need to do, for me to have complete peace of mind.

20 months ago, I met this boy. He was young. he was 19, and it was my 30th birthday. I considered him to be my birthday gift. I never wanted anything else but to be happy, and though I was happy with my job and friends, he was a Godsent.

It was one night. I though it was going to be the first and last time I was going to be with him. Like all the other lovers I had, my door was already open for him to leave. But he did not leave. He stayed.

I never was a believer in living in together. I have witnessed a lot of relationships go to shit because they decided to stay with each other under one roof. But I went against what my gut told me and decided to give him the keys to my apartment. It was something that I was hesitant to do, at first. But when I gave him those keys, I know I will never be the same person ever again.

I moved because I wanted to have a better living space, now that we already were living with each other. His bubbly personality made me smile all the time. He would sing songs to the top of his voice and although he would not hit the notes, I would always smile. To me, he was just like me - not afraid to be different from others.

He adored music. He loved fashion. I would make him my guinea pig. Whenever I have makeup and gown projects he would always the first one to try it on. To me, I was the luckiest person on earth to be with someone like him.

Then he forgot to log out from his Facebook account. That day, I found out he was still meeting other guys. He would exchange sweet messages with other men. I confronted him and we fought about it. I wanted him to leave but decided against it and had him stay. I couldn't bear to think of being alone. Not when I thought I have found the person I will be with for the rest of my life.

After a few months of trying it again, I found out this time that he had a number of other accounts in Twitter and other sites, having an "alter-ego", another person who explored life in many ways. It was never meant for me to find out. But I did.

See, at this point, the only reason I still remained in the relationship was because I knew how it was like to be young, wild and free. I was also very adventurous. I wanted to savor life. So since it was just another reason for me to stay in the relationship.

2 weeks ago a person sent me a message, telling me that there were times when the person I was living with would let other men into my house when I go to work at night, then just as the dawn breaks, before I get home, they leave. By this time, I always complained about how he would always sleep during the day. He would not look for a job, nor does he have any intentions to go to school. Now I knew.

I confronted him that day. I asked him if it was true. And although he said it wasn't, I knew in my heart I have been defeated yet again, in this game called love.

I stayed in the relationship for 20 months because of one thing - the fear of being alone again.And on that day, on the day before his 21st birthday, when I told him I had enough, it became true.

Once again, after a long, long time, I was alone.And the worst part was, even if he stayed at my apartment for a few more days while looking for a place to move to, I felt the loneliest, ever.

I wanted to cry, but not while he was here. And yes, it is true that you will know how important a person is until he is gone. When he finally left yesterday morning, I did not even see him for the last time. He left a letter.

As always, he was always full of enthusiasm. Just what made me love him even more before. He was so optimistic about his life. And even though I pulled him down in last few days that we were together, he still had the courage to face everything that he going through.

I know it is going to be hard for him. And harder even for me.

I write this with tears in my eyes, and I hope this would be the last time I cry about this.

To you, who have made my life happiest for the last 20 months, thank you. You made me believe I could love again.

I will miss your voice and our constant banter about who looks better, and your Sinampalukang Manok.

But what I will truly miss is the feeling of being able to trust someone again, with my entire heart and soul.

Goodbye, BBQ. God bless you.

Sad Songs

I have made the most difficult decision in my life so far.

I chose to be the Devil's Advocate. I needed to do it for my well being.

Now, as my pain starts and I ponder on what to do next, I wonder how I would make my first step.

The last time I felt this pain, I decided to quit everything. I left Baguio and although I looked back occasionally, I chose to stay where I am today.

Now, I am stuck. A house full of memories, good and bad. Work that I have grown to love so much. Friends that I have promised to be with for the rest of my life.

It is so unfortunate that I let it escalate to this. I had  lot of chances to let go of this relationship before, but I wanted to punish myself. The pain and longing I felt everyday just got bigger and bigger. And now I do not have anything left but anger. Anger that I cannot contain, yet I have to since there is nothing else to do.

Patience is a virtue, they say. Time heals all wounds. 

I just pray that his wounds heal faster. At least I know I am strong and that I can get through all of this.

I just want to say sorry. Sorry for making you believe that this is a fairy tale. Sorry for letting you rest on what you thought was the safest place on earth. Sorry I hurt you this way. I have to let you go.
'
I have always asked this question whenever I encounter people who are heartbroken or sad: "Why do we always hear sad songs when we are sad?" The supposed answer is "because we refuse to hear sad songs when we are happy."

But it is not the real answer, now that I am in this situation.

I hear sad songs now because, at the back of mind, I know someday I will be ok again.

The Old Playground

Late post...

This used to be my playground.

Spending a week at the place I call home brought back a lot of memories. I seldom come home, you see, and even though I have lived here for most of my life, coming back makes me long for the old days, when the fog came in in the afternoon and these times were spent playing on the street with long forgotten childhood friends.

I used to walk up and down Session Road knowing that the day eventually turned into night – and as the temperature lowers, I walked faster, keeping my heart rate up and myself warm.

It is 1:14 in the morning, the 27^th day of the first month of 2013. Years ago, I would be sitting at my favourite internet shop, complaining about my day, passing time until I had to go home since I had work the next night. There, in the deadly web they call the internet, I have met people, learned new things, brought my carnality to life, and have given my heart the opportunity to get itself broken – several times.

After this stage, I became a social butterfly. I had the world eating through my hand. Everyone knows my name. I was a star. It would take me an entire hour just to go from point A to point B, just because I had a short conversation with the people I meet along the street. Yes, everyone knew who I was, and it made me very, very happy.

However, as time and so called friends came and went, I realized that I need to be somewhere else. Maybe it was the fact that I was getting older and I never really became successful in anything. I was a jack of all trades. I did everything but I mastered nothing, and eventually I was bored with my life. I wanted out.

One thing remained certain, though, my best friends who remained to know who I really was and never really  judged me. They accepted me for who I am, and I cherished every moment with them. It did not really  matter if we saw each other after a few weeks, a few months, or even years. It was like, as my dear sister-from-another-mother Di Anne said, pushing the play button after pressing pause.

Now, as I go back to reality after this very welcome “sabbatical”, I would take the new memories and store them once again inside the treasure chest I call life. I would definitely be back, and when I do, I will be pressing on the play button once again.

This city used to be my playground. This city saw me at the best and worst times of my life. This city showed me who I am and molded me to be who I will be in the next years of my life.

Goodbye for now, Baguio. Til we meet again.