Free

A lot of people have been asking me what happened to me recently.

I want this to be the last time to talk about it, so pardon me if I become melodramatic, or if I overshare. But this is what I need to do, for me to have complete peace of mind.

20 months ago, I met this boy. He was young. he was 19, and it was my 30th birthday. I considered him to be my birthday gift. I never wanted anything else but to be happy, and though I was happy with my job and friends, he was a Godsent.

It was one night. I though it was going to be the first and last time I was going to be with him. Like all the other lovers I had, my door was already open for him to leave. But he did not leave. He stayed.

I never was a believer in living in together. I have witnessed a lot of relationships go to shit because they decided to stay with each other under one roof. But I went against what my gut told me and decided to give him the keys to my apartment. It was something that I was hesitant to do, at first. But when I gave him those keys, I know I will never be the same person ever again.

I moved because I wanted to have a better living space, now that we already were living with each other. His bubbly personality made me smile all the time. He would sing songs to the top of his voice and although he would not hit the notes, I would always smile. To me, he was just like me - not afraid to be different from others.

He adored music. He loved fashion. I would make him my guinea pig. Whenever I have makeup and gown projects he would always the first one to try it on. To me, I was the luckiest person on earth to be with someone like him.

Then he forgot to log out from his Facebook account. That day, I found out he was still meeting other guys. He would exchange sweet messages with other men. I confronted him and we fought about it. I wanted him to leave but decided against it and had him stay. I couldn't bear to think of being alone. Not when I thought I have found the person I will be with for the rest of my life.

After a few months of trying it again, I found out this time that he had a number of other accounts in Twitter and other sites, having an "alter-ego", another person who explored life in many ways. It was never meant for me to find out. But I did.

See, at this point, the only reason I still remained in the relationship was because I knew how it was like to be young, wild and free. I was also very adventurous. I wanted to savor life. So since it was just another reason for me to stay in the relationship.

2 weeks ago a person sent me a message, telling me that there were times when the person I was living with would let other men into my house when I go to work at night, then just as the dawn breaks, before I get home, they leave. By this time, I always complained about how he would always sleep during the day. He would not look for a job, nor does he have any intentions to go to school. Now I knew.

I confronted him that day. I asked him if it was true. And although he said it wasn't, I knew in my heart I have been defeated yet again, in this game called love.

I stayed in the relationship for 20 months because of one thing - the fear of being alone again.And on that day, on the day before his 21st birthday, when I told him I had enough, it became true.

Once again, after a long, long time, I was alone.And the worst part was, even if he stayed at my apartment for a few more days while looking for a place to move to, I felt the loneliest, ever.

I wanted to cry, but not while he was here. And yes, it is true that you will know how important a person is until he is gone. When he finally left yesterday morning, I did not even see him for the last time. He left a letter.

As always, he was always full of enthusiasm. Just what made me love him even more before. He was so optimistic about his life. And even though I pulled him down in last few days that we were together, he still had the courage to face everything that he going through.

I know it is going to be hard for him. And harder even for me.

I write this with tears in my eyes, and I hope this would be the last time I cry about this.

To you, who have made my life happiest for the last 20 months, thank you. You made me believe I could love again.

I will miss your voice and our constant banter about who looks better, and your Sinampalukang Manok.

But what I will truly miss is the feeling of being able to trust someone again, with my entire heart and soul.

Goodbye, BBQ. God bless you.

Sad Songs

I have made the most difficult decision in my life so far.

I chose to be the Devil's Advocate. I needed to do it for my well being.

Now, as my pain starts and I ponder on what to do next, I wonder how I would make my first step.

The last time I felt this pain, I decided to quit everything. I left Baguio and although I looked back occasionally, I chose to stay where I am today.

Now, I am stuck. A house full of memories, good and bad. Work that I have grown to love so much. Friends that I have promised to be with for the rest of my life.

It is so unfortunate that I let it escalate to this. I had  lot of chances to let go of this relationship before, but I wanted to punish myself. The pain and longing I felt everyday just got bigger and bigger. And now I do not have anything left but anger. Anger that I cannot contain, yet I have to since there is nothing else to do.

Patience is a virtue, they say. Time heals all wounds. 

I just pray that his wounds heal faster. At least I know I am strong and that I can get through all of this.

I just want to say sorry. Sorry for making you believe that this is a fairy tale. Sorry for letting you rest on what you thought was the safest place on earth. Sorry I hurt you this way. I have to let you go.
'
I have always asked this question whenever I encounter people who are heartbroken or sad: "Why do we always hear sad songs when we are sad?" The supposed answer is "because we refuse to hear sad songs when we are happy."

But it is not the real answer, now that I am in this situation.

I hear sad songs now because, at the back of mind, I know someday I will be ok again.