Thank You.

It is true what they say about emotional pain hurts more than the physical kind. It is the kind of pain that lingers - the kind that you'll never really get over with in a short period of time.

I have been single for 4 months. 4 months and 2 days. I broke up with my ex on June 14th, a day before his birthday. Then he died on July 30. The pain I felt when I realized that I may never see him again did not compare to what I felt when I was informed that he passed due to Meningitis. I was devastated. I was a mess.

It took me a while to get over the loneliness that I initially felt. I mean, I still feel lonely sometimes, in fact I still get into those bouts of depression sometimes. But I am glad to say that I finally am okay.

Yes, there will be times when Sunday mornings would always remind me of staying in bed, holding hands and just talking. That videoke bar I still frequent, where the love story started, would always be one of my favorite places. The train I first rode with him will remain as one of the wildest rides of my life. And these are all going to be a huge part of me.

I would also like to take this time to thank the people who made me feel better after what happened. This was the time that I knew who my real friends are. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So now,  I am ready. I am ready to face whatever life would bring me.

Free

A lot of people have been asking me what happened to me recently.

I want this to be the last time to talk about it, so pardon me if I become melodramatic, or if I overshare. But this is what I need to do, for me to have complete peace of mind.

20 months ago, I met this boy. He was young. he was 19, and it was my 30th birthday. I considered him to be my birthday gift. I never wanted anything else but to be happy, and though I was happy with my job and friends, he was a Godsent.

It was one night. I though it was going to be the first and last time I was going to be with him. Like all the other lovers I had, my door was already open for him to leave. But he did not leave. He stayed.

I never was a believer in living in together. I have witnessed a lot of relationships go to shit because they decided to stay with each other under one roof. But I went against what my gut told me and decided to give him the keys to my apartment. It was something that I was hesitant to do, at first. But when I gave him those keys, I know I will never be the same person ever again.

I moved because I wanted to have a better living space, now that we already were living with each other. His bubbly personality made me smile all the time. He would sing songs to the top of his voice and although he would not hit the notes, I would always smile. To me, he was just like me - not afraid to be different from others.

He adored music. He loved fashion. I would make him my guinea pig. Whenever I have makeup and gown projects he would always the first one to try it on. To me, I was the luckiest person on earth to be with someone like him.

Then he forgot to log out from his Facebook account. That day, I found out he was still meeting other guys. He would exchange sweet messages with other men. I confronted him and we fought about it. I wanted him to leave but decided against it and had him stay. I couldn't bear to think of being alone. Not when I thought I have found the person I will be with for the rest of my life.

After a few months of trying it again, I found out this time that he had a number of other accounts in Twitter and other sites, having an "alter-ego", another person who explored life in many ways. It was never meant for me to find out. But I did.

See, at this point, the only reason I still remained in the relationship was because I knew how it was like to be young, wild and free. I was also very adventurous. I wanted to savor life. So since it was just another reason for me to stay in the relationship.

2 weeks ago a person sent me a message, telling me that there were times when the person I was living with would let other men into my house when I go to work at night, then just as the dawn breaks, before I get home, they leave. By this time, I always complained about how he would always sleep during the day. He would not look for a job, nor does he have any intentions to go to school. Now I knew.

I confronted him that day. I asked him if it was true. And although he said it wasn't, I knew in my heart I have been defeated yet again, in this game called love.

I stayed in the relationship for 20 months because of one thing - the fear of being alone again.And on that day, on the day before his 21st birthday, when I told him I had enough, it became true.

Once again, after a long, long time, I was alone.And the worst part was, even if he stayed at my apartment for a few more days while looking for a place to move to, I felt the loneliest, ever.

I wanted to cry, but not while he was here. And yes, it is true that you will know how important a person is until he is gone. When he finally left yesterday morning, I did not even see him for the last time. He left a letter.

As always, he was always full of enthusiasm. Just what made me love him even more before. He was so optimistic about his life. And even though I pulled him down in last few days that we were together, he still had the courage to face everything that he going through.

I know it is going to be hard for him. And harder even for me.

I write this with tears in my eyes, and I hope this would be the last time I cry about this.

To you, who have made my life happiest for the last 20 months, thank you. You made me believe I could love again.

I will miss your voice and our constant banter about who looks better, and your Sinampalukang Manok.

But what I will truly miss is the feeling of being able to trust someone again, with my entire heart and soul.

Goodbye, BBQ. God bless you.

Sad Songs

I have made the most difficult decision in my life so far.

I chose to be the Devil's Advocate. I needed to do it for my well being.

Now, as my pain starts and I ponder on what to do next, I wonder how I would make my first step.

The last time I felt this pain, I decided to quit everything. I left Baguio and although I looked back occasionally, I chose to stay where I am today.

Now, I am stuck. A house full of memories, good and bad. Work that I have grown to love so much. Friends that I have promised to be with for the rest of my life.

It is so unfortunate that I let it escalate to this. I had  lot of chances to let go of this relationship before, but I wanted to punish myself. The pain and longing I felt everyday just got bigger and bigger. And now I do not have anything left but anger. Anger that I cannot contain, yet I have to since there is nothing else to do.

Patience is a virtue, they say. Time heals all wounds. 

I just pray that his wounds heal faster. At least I know I am strong and that I can get through all of this.

I just want to say sorry. Sorry for making you believe that this is a fairy tale. Sorry for letting you rest on what you thought was the safest place on earth. Sorry I hurt you this way. I have to let you go.
'
I have always asked this question whenever I encounter people who are heartbroken or sad: "Why do we always hear sad songs when we are sad?" The supposed answer is "because we refuse to hear sad songs when we are happy."

But it is not the real answer, now that I am in this situation.

I hear sad songs now because, at the back of mind, I know someday I will be ok again.

The Old Playground

Late post...

This used to be my playground.

Spending a week at the place I call home brought back a lot of memories. I seldom come home, you see, and even though I have lived here for most of my life, coming back makes me long for the old days, when the fog came in in the afternoon and these times were spent playing on the street with long forgotten childhood friends.

I used to walk up and down Session Road knowing that the day eventually turned into night – and as the temperature lowers, I walked faster, keeping my heart rate up and myself warm.

It is 1:14 in the morning, the 27^th day of the first month of 2013. Years ago, I would be sitting at my favourite internet shop, complaining about my day, passing time until I had to go home since I had work the next night. There, in the deadly web they call the internet, I have met people, learned new things, brought my carnality to life, and have given my heart the opportunity to get itself broken – several times.

After this stage, I became a social butterfly. I had the world eating through my hand. Everyone knows my name. I was a star. It would take me an entire hour just to go from point A to point B, just because I had a short conversation with the people I meet along the street. Yes, everyone knew who I was, and it made me very, very happy.

However, as time and so called friends came and went, I realized that I need to be somewhere else. Maybe it was the fact that I was getting older and I never really became successful in anything. I was a jack of all trades. I did everything but I mastered nothing, and eventually I was bored with my life. I wanted out.

One thing remained certain, though, my best friends who remained to know who I really was and never really  judged me. They accepted me for who I am, and I cherished every moment with them. It did not really  matter if we saw each other after a few weeks, a few months, or even years. It was like, as my dear sister-from-another-mother Di Anne said, pushing the play button after pressing pause.

Now, as I go back to reality after this very welcome “sabbatical”, I would take the new memories and store them once again inside the treasure chest I call life. I would definitely be back, and when I do, I will be pressing on the play button once again.

This city used to be my playground. This city saw me at the best and worst times of my life. This city showed me who I am and molded me to be who I will be in the next years of my life.

Goodbye for now, Baguio. Til we meet again.

The Forbidden Fruit

Like a piece of forbidden fruit


I touched its skin and
wondered what would it
feel like sinking my teeth
into its skin, tasting
its magnificent juices and letting some
dribble unto my chest

Waiting in anticipation
I touched, and the fruit trembled
It wanted me to touch it
It wanted me to taste it

The succulent fruit wanted me to devour
its entirety

And like Eve I nibbled

Now I am on fire

I want more

Reconnected: Ramblings on a Warm November Day

Wow. It has been a while. I have not been writing a blog entry for a long time and although I would like to say I have a lot of spare time in my hand, I'd rather spend this precious hours sleeping. It is that stressful.


A very good friend, who has a very successful travel blog, had his 28th birthday yesterday. He was so depressed that he reached that age, and said that he did not have any "accomplishments". You do, I said, telling him that he is a fabulous photographer and that he is a wonderful blogger/writer. 

"I take photos, and blog," he said. "You are a blogger too."

Hmmm. Yes, I am a blogger, although I haven't been doing it for a long long time. It made me guilty.

Guilty, because this was once an outlet of ALL the frustrations I had in life. This was the instrument that I used to let people know I am happy. That I have sad. That I was depressed once in a while. That I had a life and that I was not afraid to let other people know it.

Then I came to Manila to work.

Do not get me wrong, I am happy with what I have achieved so far. Satisfied - if I may say so. There are definitely times when I absolutely had no extra cash to buy what I want, or times when I am so flooded with activities at work that 5 minutes of doing nothing with just a cigarette in my hand keeps me sane - but I am happy.

I used to work hard, and party even harder. Now it's work hard and sleep. I am getting older. I am 30 for crying out loud.

Not that I am complaining. What I am doing now puts food on the table. But just enough.

I think I need a part time job.

____

When old friends reconnect through Facebook or Twitter, I get giddy. I would just want to ask questions, like "How have you been?", or "What do you do now". Sometimes, I wanna ask "Did you ever wonder what happened to me?"

It just seems that even in a world where everything is connected, there are still some friends - that I have met and liked years ago - out there. I am waiting in anticipation for more friends to discover me.

I am just here, and although inviting you for a cup of coffee might not be a good idea with the busy-ness of our schedules and the distance of our locations, I would like to reconnect. For old time's sake.

____

Yup, a lot on my mind today. Maybe it's because I am on leave from work and I have nothing to do but think.

A much deserved break.

It would be nicer if I was on a beach somewhere. 

I'd like to go back to Bolinao. :)

____

Well, I think that's it for now. 

Off to doing nothing again.

I'll be watching babies laughing on Youtube, if you don't mind. :)

Till next time.

Memories

This past few days, I have been trying to look for old photos ever since a single old picture of me came out of nowhere. It is addicting, visiting old sites and friend's profiles, hoping that a piece of my history is found.


I was flooded with memories from years ago, with old friends - some of whom I have never seen again.


Looking at old photos, I wondered. In Baguio I wanted a fast paced life. I wanted to be where everyone was. Now that I have been living as a Manileno, I miss the slow paced Baguio life - when afternoons where spent drinking coffee and with friends and weekends are spent dancing the night away.


I told a good friend about possibly going back home. She said she wished me luck, and that if it makes me happy, I should follow my heart.


But then again, I followed my heart, and I found myself working in Makati and living in Taguig. If you ask me right now if I am happy, I would say I am. But there is something missing. 


For now, I would just look for old pictures. I'd cross the bridge when I get there.

Realization

Coming to realization

I saw my future

Alone

Unloved

Then like an unexpected surprise

YOU

came along.

I used to think fairy tales do not come true

Now I know

Fairy Tales do exist

In a twisted way

You are my knight in shining armour

You caught be unaware

Not ready to leap, yet I did.

It was a leap of faith

And the greatest and happiest gamble I have ever done

I love you.

And this time I do not have to pretend you love me too.

30 Hours and a Minute

So I was awake for 40 hours this weekend. And when I finally got home I slept like a baby for 12 hours. :)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

So 21 hours before that it was Friday, 3 pm.

FRIDAY 3 PM (Awake for :00 seconds)

I woke up knowing that it was going to be a tiring weekend. I had a lot planned and I was excited to just have fun. Turning the TV on, I watched Kim and her sisters take over Miami. While I was doing so, I was preparing for the first activity after my last last shift for the week.

I left home 2 hours before my shift and managed to stay awake the entire night. I had a lot of things to finish, and I did, with a few more hours to spare in the shift to just relax.

Anyway, I cannot wait for 8:30 am.

____

SATURDAY 8:30 AM (Awake for 16 hours)

So I finally got into the FX that Volts got for the trip to Taytay. I was pretty tired by this time, but at the same time I was looking forward to real relaxation under the sun - or in this case - the cumulonimbus clouds.

____

SATURDAY 10:00 AM (Awake for 18 hours)

Club Manila East, in Taytay, Rizal, is one of the biggest resorts that I have been so far. It was so big, in fact, that I honestly haven't been to it's four corners yet. No need to, though, as the pools are more important than checking on the perimeters of the place.

I was immediately drawn to the kayak pool right in front of our cabana. I wanted to try it before, but I was afraid that the kayak might sink. So this was the perfect opportunity to actually try it out. So I did ride one - and I had fun. I never though kayaking was going to be this fun. It was being independent once again. You see, I haven't been on a boat aside from the one from Burnham Park, so I really had fun.

____

SATURDAY 7:00 PM (Awake for 28 hours and counting)

The kiddie pool in CME proved to be a haven for children. There are numerous fountains and a small slide. And it was the perfect place to catch up on gossip. Kelly, Pinky, Kit, and I were sitting beside the fountain while Kit's daughter, Fiona, was enjoying the water.

This was the first time in a long time that we had time to actually just talk about anything. We belonged to the same team before - Kit was our Team Lead. Kelly became Work Force and Pinky was in Claims. I was promoted to Team Lead and Kit is now my manager. And apparently, Fiona thinks I am nice. At least I think she thinks I am nice. So she now calls me Tito Chaz.

Fiona asked me if I was going to CME next weekend. I was not paying attention so I said yes. I was starting to feel tired.

____

SATURDAY 9:00 PM (30 hours so far)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

I was so tired by this time, though, that when Fiona asked me if I had desks when I was Grade 1 (I have no idea how we got that far into my life), I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the 7 year old pointed out that I fell asleep and demanded that I answer her question. That kid is real funny.

So we had a party to go to, that is why I was waiting for my manager. Via, my friend and former quality coach, had her "24th" birthday, and was having her party at the house of her boyfriend and multimillionaire Jobo* (*name withheld for security purposes).

____

SATURDAY 11:30 PM (22 hours, and 30 minutes awake)

We arrived at Casa De Elitista and we immediately had dinner - lovely barbeque and UBER HOT Chili Pasta. I loved the pasta so much I was planning to bring home some. Unfortunately a few hours later I forgot to ask for some since I was too drunk to even think straight.

The party lasted until the sun was up. Or should I say, the cumulonimbus clouds were up.

____

SUNDAY 6:00 am (29 hours awake)

It was raining cats and dogs and a good friend of Via offered a ride to EDSA. I agreed and together with the Centennial Becky Leo Maurithio and BFF Arlene A, we started the ride back home.

The ride was a memorable one, as in this trip, BFF Alo said she have not tasted NUTRIBUN yet. I would never forget her statement. In gay language, nutribun translates to the male sexual organ. Derived from the Filipino Gay word "Nota", nutribun offers a more graceful term for the commonly used - and most favorite part of the human anatomy - of gay people everywhere. Brava Mama Alo. It was the wonderful cap to the end of my tiresome 30 hours.

_____

SUNDAY 7:00 am

Ahhh... I never missed my bed as much as I did this time. I did not even take a shower. I just lay at my bed and remembered how much fun my weekend started.

_____

SUNDAY 7:01 am (30 hours and 1 minute awake)

I finally slept.

It was a tiring - but fun - start of the weekend.

Can't wait for the long weekend in September.

I wonder what plans would I have by that time. :)

Of The Volcanoes and Amy Winehouse

It has been a year - well, more than a year - from the last time that I wrote down something. It's either my busy schedule or the fact that my life has indeed become so boring that I can't even tell who I am anymore.

Anyway, a lot of shocking things had happened this past few weeks that I cannot help but just say something about it!

First order of business:



The removal of the Philippine Volcanoes billboard at EDSA-Guadalupe because of the complaints from "concerned citizens."

I mean, WHAT THE F!!!! I would not mind passing by Guadalupe on a Friday night or a Saturday Morning or any time - even if there is horrendous traffic at that area almost all the time - if this billboard was still up!

When I heard about the removal of the billboards, the first thing I though was - WHY CANT THEY REMOVE THE BILLBOARDS of almost naked women too?! The overly pathetic Patriarchal mentality of this country just shows that it is OK to let women flaunt around in their underwear, but men need to remain clothed and "respected".

What is wrong with a man wearing underwear for all the world to see? This are strong men who just managed to look good in briefs and balls!

For the "concerned citizens" who wanted the billboards removed - you should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you explain why you wanted the billboards removed? We need an explanation! We NEED the Philippine Volcanoes!!!


Second:




Amy Winehouse's untimely death.

I had dreams of Amy. I wanted to meet her in person!

When one of my bestfriends, Kiko, introduced me to her music, I was instantly hooked. Her voice is completely different from what I have grown up hearing on the radio. I was addicted to her songs. Too bad she only has a few songs under her sleeves. I was looking forward to buying another album from her.

Her life has been under the scrutiny of the public for a long period of time. She had her ups and downs. And she never got out of the God forsaken depression that just dug a bigger hole around her.

Her death at the young age of 27 proves one thing - that no matter how young a person is, fame can get the best of anyone. She never wanted to be famous. She just wanted to sing - her music was her passion. She will be missed.

The Pursuit of Happiness

How far can you go for the pursuit of real happiness?

My friend quoted a line from the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness", about not having a Y in the word itself. It is true, there is no Y in the word.

It is a very powerful statement. It is not just a play in letters. It is the fact that to be real happy, there shouldn't be any "WHYs".

Why should you be happy? Because you have to.

Why aren't there any Y's in the word happiness? Because in order to be happy, you only have to go with the flow.

A friend is having a real difficult time right now, trying to be happy, and actually finding someone to make him happy, only to learn that there might be a little hitch. Seems that not everything perfect seems to be exactly what it is.

I am having an equally difficult task of being the Devil's Advocate, trying to lessen his burden by letting him know what the pros and cons are in this decision that he has to make. I want him to find real happiness, and so far he seems blissful. But it would be all blissful until someone realizes that he should not have gone this far.

What makes me happy, you might ask... It is being able to be myself, without judgment from anyone. Sounds kinda hard to achieve right? Believe me, it is. In fact, I have never felt real happiness for a while.

People think that happiness comes with another person you can call your better half. Others think that true bliss comes from money, and having lots of it. I personally believe that happiness can only be realize when you feel satisfaction.

And right, we can never really be fully satisfied right.

No matter how hard we try, although we would be able to feel real happiness once in a while, it can never be full. It is the fact of life - the pursuit of happiness is never ending. And it continuously changes.

So to my friend, who seeks the answer to his question, I wish you good luck in realizing what you want. Remember, I will always be here to lend you a shoulder. You can count on that.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I only spoke this six words twice, three times at most, and every time I say them, the hair at the back of neck stand on end. I am getting older everyday and it's not funny.

A couple of days ago, on our way to SM Makati to buy some things for Fat(slimming)Beki, we passed by an unfamiliar site, something that I have only seen in movies. It was surreal, and although it was so morbid, I knew it was a site worth seeing.

This guy was lying face down in front of the condominium building. He was wearing nice clothes. He looked tall, trim, clean. His shoes where buffed. And he was dead. There was a whole lot of people around the area, just looking around, busybodies who wanted to get a piece of the action. This is real life drama folks. Real life murder - as what I have read after 2 days.

It made me think. This guy was successful. He was at the peak of his life as a bachelor. He almost had everything. Until he lost his life.

Browsing through the gay Social Networking site I have been a member of for years, I saw a profile of someone who professed at being HIV+. In the profile was a link for his blog, which I read. I was amazed, how someone like him could be strong enough to write about something that causes him pain - every day. I admire this person's strength, I would never be that strong.

There was a story about a person who hit his head with a hammer endlessly. He went to the doctor and the doctor asked why he was doing it. "Because it feels so good when I stop doing it."

Life is a bowl of cherries. It has pits.
Life is gambling. You will never know when you would win.
Life is disappointing, but you'll never get what you want if you just stay in the shadows.

I am going to live my life - even if it means that I am actually older than 25. :)

First Time

Your lips touched my cheek.

My world turned.

Lips then touched mine.

I want this.

I have never felt this way before.

Minor?!

Saturday morning, after work:

Buying a pack of death sticks, the old man asked how old I was.

Stunned, I was not able to reply to his question.

Then, he asked again.

"Ilang taon ka na?"

Desperately salivating over a stick of menthols, I woke up and realized the man thought I was a minor.

"27." I replied.

Charot man o hindi, he made my day.

Sarap maging minor. HAHAHA.

Shut Up and Drink Your Slimming Tea

God, can you make them stop???

A couple of days ago, the maintenance guys working at the building I was living at started to clean the pool that was left abandoned for the longest time. I haven't seen a drop of clean, chlorinated water in the pool since I have moved in, just garbage and rainwater that fills it up halfway.

"Gee," I wondered, maybe they just wanted to make everything shiny and new. I

was starting to think about my pool outfit.

Then, just yesterday, guys started bringing in big kleig lights. Were they having a photo shoot? A movie shoot?

Waking up last night, I saw that the entire pool was painted in graffiti. It was a commercial. And when I started fantasizing about actually being discovered as a commercial model and eventually starring along side my beloved Piolo Pascual, I realized it was a commercial for a slimming drink.

The words "L-CARNATINE" were painted all over one wall.

And so my dreams crumbled, and I cannot sleep because the actors cannot get their act right. The director kept on shouting "Retake!!!". Hay...

Can someone please, make them stop... :(

Prince Charming

The challenge is to keep yourself from falling.

"But no matter how hard you try not to, eventually, you are going to fall in love. So you have to go with the flow. Let the current take you wherever it goes. Sooner or later it would come back to where it originated."

It is a tried and tested method. For those who are asking what the hell I am talking about, let me tell you a short story about this lovely young lad that we are to call Leo.

♥♥♥

For years he has been searching for the true love's kiss. Fueled by Giselle's captivating song, about meeting Prince Charming, he has searched high and low for that special someone that will knock him off his feet. And no matter how many times he got hurt, he kept on searching for love. Until that one fateful night when Prince Charming indeed came, but with another prince in tow.

His heart, bleeding like the waterfall near their town, finally gave up. He knew he was never to fall in love again.

One day, after months of having senseless sexual affiliations with numerous lads around the glen, an old wise wizard came.

The wizard was bedazzled by the youth's uncanny beauty.

"I would like to love you," the wizard said.

"You can't," Leo said. "I cannot- and will never- fall in love ever again."

The wizard frowned, knowing he can never have the young lad, but being wise, gave him a few words of advise.

"Do not dwell in being alone for a long period of time. I have been there, and now that I would love to fall in love again, I am already irrevocably cynical about love," he said.

"I am happy where I am. At least I wouldn't be hurt anymore."

"Are you afraid to fall in love again?" the wizard asked.

"Yes." the young lad said.

"It is a challenge to keep yourself from falling in love with someone that makes you happy, especially if you see a lot of things about him that makes you come back for more."

Leo faced the wizard and cried, knowing that it is true.

"But no matter how hard you try not to, eventually, you are going to fall in love. So you have to go with the flow. Let the current take you wherever it goes. Sooner or later it would come back to where it originated."

With the final statement, the old wise wizard stood up and continued walking.

Leo was left alone, knowing what to do, and admitting that he is just afraid to fall in love again, he started to search again for his Prince Charming.

♥♥♥

Blah blah blah

It has been such a long time since the last time I got to write something. And guess what? Even while I am typing, I am actually having second thoughts in finishing this blog entry.

My life has been such a rollercoaster this past few weeks. There would be times when I would be so happy. Then there would be times when I am so down it would take more than just a joke to bring me back to life. But hey, we have to move forward, right?

Honestly, I have been thinking about life, in it's entirety. I am not getting any younger, and though I know that I have more up my sleeves, I am starting to give up. I am starting to think that this is where I'll end up in a few more years, alone and broke, living everyday until the next day - I more than pessimistic. I am a disaster.

Seeing other people around me happy always made me happy. But now, bitterness has surged into my veins like an awful poison, destroying the precious nerves that makes me feel. I am now numb from everything. Not even Kris Aquino's tears make me cry anymore - nor laugh.

What is happening to me? The mere question brings me to a boil, angry at the world that does not seem to care at all, whatever happens to me. I could drop dead in the middle of Ayala and everyone else would be walking past me, not knowing my name, not a care in the world.

Maybe, just maybe, there would be a time when this ramblings would end, but for now, when the rest of the world rests their weary feet, I continue walking. I think, if I would continue walking, life would just slip by, and maybe I would reach the end of my journey.

See, I can't even think of a better title for this entry. Hay buhay.

Uber Lesbo Moment

Before I start with this blog entry, I apologize for the blog title. i know some people might react, but let me tell you one thing - if you see Megan Fox, tell her I LOVE HER!!!

Megan Fox is someone I'd sleep with anytime. Sorry boys, if Megan Fox was in the room, you'd have to wait your turn.

I am TOTALLY lesbian right now. Just look at these pics!!!!





'Nuff said. I am officially a lesbian.

Sugar Overload

The minute I woke up that noon I knew I wanted to eat something sweet. However, true to my intentions of making my budget last till I get my first pay check, I decided I'd let go of my desires and just get on with the very spartanistic essentials.

So, Rei and I decided to head out to our "favorite" tapsilogan and just pig out on a medium sized fried pork, sunny side up egg and 2 cups of garlic rice - this has been our staple food since I started living here in Manila. After eating with much gusto (or just too fast cause I did not have any breakfast before going to bed), there is was again. I knew instantly that I wanted to eat some chocolate cookies, or pretzels. Deciding that it was just give a small hole on my pocket, we immediately headed to the nearest Mini-Stop.

There it was. A pint of heavenly ice cream, and much to Rei's delight, it was his favorite brand and flavor - Coffee Crumble. It was like a myth coming true, like Ibong Adarna na was rarely seen. Or the Himalayan Yeti, whose existence is still doubted and considered to be a myth, because of the rarity of it being seen.

Like a child, Rei pulled out the pint of ice cream from the freezer, and, just like a child, looked at it with awe. I knew instantly he'd buy it. And although he was also on a budget, like me, he wanted to splurge. It was a day after his birthday after all - sort of a post-birthday celebration, he said.

Once we got back to the apartment, we started digging in. It was, with no other words to describe it - heaven. I have not had any ice cream for as long as I could remember, and sitting at the living room, just talking about everything, puffing white smoke and eating cold, cold, ice cream, we were in nirvana.

After eating the pint of ice cream in a frenzy, we decided to sleep it out, we had work that night anyway, and we have to get a good "night's" rest.

Needless to say, the sugar laden ice cream gave us so much energy that we were not able to sleep that well for the rest of day. I woke up groggy, and my entire body aches.

I don't think I regret eating ice cream though. It was one of the few things that made me happy during my stay here in Manila. I remember, in college, I used to eat a whole pint of ice cream all by myself. This was during the time when I felt most alone in my life. This was also the period where I started developing my habit of stress eating. Now that I am more grown up, I could say that a few minutes with the company of one of my good friends - with his stories, cigarettes, good heart, and a pint of Coffee Crumble - makes life bearable.

I'd love to have another Sugar Overload moments like this. It makes me forget I miss home, even for just a little while.

Becks and the City: Part Deux

The first day of the fifth month of the year. Thousands of people around the Philippines flock to Manila for various reason.

Hundreds of people carry placards, asking the Filipino governent to oust the incumbent president to step down from her post. They hope that in any event that Her Excellence resigns from her position, the economy of this once great country improves.

Thousands of people bring resumes to job fairs, knowing that they are just one step in getting a better chance in life. These people get in queues, 4 copies of 1x1 pictures in hand, praying that by the end of the day they get a job that would drastically change their way of living.

One gay guy sits at his friends room, not doing anything, wondering what tomorow would bring.

It took me a quarter of a century to finally realize that I had to do something about my life. And now, I am here, at the Capital of the Philippines, joining generations of Filipino people who have braved the heat and pollution to get a bird's eye view of the real deal.

It has been a couple of days since I boarded that bus to Manila. And though I know I will have a very hectic Monday, I have tried to relax and just enjoy my stay at my friend's house.

I have not had any decent sleep since the first night. I have been tossing and turning on the bed i share with Rei, thinking - consciously and subconciously - about the start of my life here in Manila.

On my first day here, he toured me around the compound that would be my home for a month, and the amenities were very comfortable. A swimming pool and clubhouse a block away from our building, and a market place two blocks from the compound, makes it easier to live here.

I wonder if I would be able to get a domicile just like this, without hurting my budget. I know, I am a single gay guy with nothing to look after but myself. But then again, I want to be able to save enough money so that I can afford stuff for the house when my mom comes back to the Philippines for good.

I never really thought that I'd eventually work in Manila when I was young. I thought life in Baguio would be a breeze. But then again, with the worldwide recession and the lack of very rewarding job opportunities in Baguio, Manila started calling me again. It was like I was being drawn to a flame, like a moth. A couple of years ago, after resigning from my first call center job, I has serious thoughts of moving to Manila. Then the company I previously worked for opened up. I stayed there for more than 2 years, but within that period, I can still hear Manila's pleasures whispering in my ear, begging me to come.

And so here I am, eager to start working again, after a hiatus of more than a month.

The first day of the fifth month of the year brings with it a sense of longing for a lot of people - the dreams of being able to get through life. People hope of becoming better. They wish that they get a better chance in life. And as funny as it sounds, though a lot of people just realize this every time Labor Day comes, it is that one special day that makes us want to be better individuals.