The Courageous "Almost - Beauty Queen"

The recent Miss USA pageant has been supported by millions of Americans. And, here in the Philippines, though the competition does not directly affect our country in anyway, millions still tune in to their television sets to watch who will win the said pageant.

For the many years that I have worked with events, I have seen pageant backstages littered with gay people. The Event Coordinators are mostly gay. Make-up artists. Alalays. It would be an understatement if we say that gay people are the life of the beauty pageant. Without us, beauty pageants will just be a competition to see who makes most men drool.

I have great respect for Miss Carrie Prejean, the representative from the State of California for the recently concluded Miss USA, 2009. She voiced out her opinion about Gay Marriage. She did not hesitate to give her point of view, and this, in fact, makes her a really intelligent person.

But, though I have great respect for her, I believe it but right that the crown was given to someone else, to Miss North Carolina. Miss California's beliefs were aired out just when the entire country - and the entire world - has been eagerly waiting for the rights of Gay men to be recognized.

I am not for the United States of America, nor am I an American citizen, but I am a citizen of the world. I am a proud homosexual, and though I do not believe in marriage, I believe in the right of each and every person to choose who they want to love - straight or gay.

To Miss Prejean - I applaud your courage to speak out your beliefs, even when you know that your answer might cost you the crown. Your strength in answering a question about gay relationships from a famous gay man may have been one of the most courageous things that someone has ever done - in front of an audience and the entire world - but then again, you have to admit that you are not the only person living in this world. If you were gay you would also fight for what you believe in and what you want in your life.

Here is the video, watch it and let me know your thoughts.

Creative Juices

I am just a year after my first quarter of a century and I already feel like all the creative juices I once had flowing in veins have already dried up. Talk about Creative Menopause.

I have been dreaming of making - or even starring - in a film. An Indie Film, if you may. Ever since I watched my former boss passionately kiss a known Filipino Actor, I have dreamed of making my own name in the Filipino Film scene. Oh well.

I made a short clip with my friend, Piper, using my cellphone. It turned out to be good - it was, in my mind, a success. But when I started viewing it again, my finger had a mind of it's own and clicked delete. There. Without any fuss. I wondered what it would be like if it wasn't deleted from my phone's memory. "The public will survive," I thought. It was a half-hearted attempt to place my name beside Chito Rono and Soxie Topacio.

It was after I deleted the video that I realized that I have lost all my Creative senses. I have always been proud of being a Jack (or Jane) of all trades. I can cook, I can sew. I write novels. I create poems. I even tried to make a career out of event before. And yet, even if I have already started stuff, I end up sitting up on my bed, thinking how boring my life is.

I started this blog years ago, hoping that someday, some people would get a whiff of it and the blog would eventually end up in a magazine article, praising my prose, and my talent in writing. I have not given up that hope yet, but then again, without the "juice", I think I may eventually run out of ideas. A writer's blog.

It has been weeks since the last time that I found something I can actually write about. And now, here, I am writing about something that I might have lost. Talk about ironic.

I plan to create a beautiful living space once I get an apartment in Manila. Now I want to put my hands on interior decorating. Wow. I can't believe by writing this article, I would restart my passion of creating something beautiful.

I should write more often. It makes my brain work. It has been on "park" for almost two months.

Manila Girl

I am leaving Baguio.

These are the four words that I have dreamed of speaking ever since I tasted independence.

Every night, after I got the job at a company based in Makati, I have though about that sentence.

Over and over again.

This is it. I am finally leaving Baguio City.

I have lived my entire life in the Summer Capital of the Philippines. Except for the four years I spent in Pangasinan during college, I breathed in pine-scented air every morning. I cuddled my beloved pillow and stayed under the sheets to brave the cold climate. I have spent countless hours just staring out my bedroom window, gazing into the mountains covered in fog. I enjoyed my life in Baguio, but it has become boring - like Megan Mullaly's talk show.

It became stale a couple of years ago, but yet I decided to stay because I was not yet ready.

A friend once told me that I had great potential, and that going to Manila would make me a better individual.

It took me almost a decade to finally realize that I have to get out of my comfort zone and expand my horizon.

Manila, the capital of the Philippines, is a business, fashion, and social hub. I have been in Manila, of course, staying there for days, trying to blend in, trying to learn the culture. I know, when I leave for Manila, I will be missing everything here in Baguio.

I will miss my friends.

I will miss my bed.

I will miss the cold days and even colder nights.

But hey, a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do, right?

By the time I create the next blog entry, I hopefully would already be in Manila. I can't wait to start another chapter in my life.

Manila, here I come!

Got (Harvey) Milk?

Milk, a film about Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay rights activist in the 1970's, has inspired thousands of gay men and women in the United States of America, and the entire world. He has shown that being gay is, in fact, not an illness, but a choice.

I have, in many ways, struggled with my choice of being an all out homosexual. A lot of people still do not understand that my choice of lifestyle does not, in anyway, hinder my way of living. I still breathe the same air that everyone breathes in. I still eat when hungry and drink when I am thirsty. I love with the same passion a straight man feels with a straight woman. The only difference is, I decided - a long time ago- to love other men.

After watching the film about the life of Supervisor Milk, I was inspired to make a difference in the world, starting with myself. When I started making friends, I made sure that they knew exactly who I was. No ifs, no buts. No pretensions. But now I realize that is not enough to make friends. What needs to be done is to make sure that they understand why I act this way, why I am who I am right now. 39 years ago, gay men aroun the world were struggling to get accepted in the society that they are living in. Today, here, in the Patriarchal Society of the Philippines, more and more people start to accept the fact that the gay community is not just a bunch of hairdressers making people pretty. We are doctors, nurses, teachers, writers, editors and engineers.

We are an entirely different race - still human but possessing extraordinary talents and skills to match those who have, in many ways, discriminated our existence.

I never had any regrets about who I was, and with that self acceptance, I managed to preserve who I really am, and my sense of dignity.

This is for Harvey Milk, and the people who have strived so hard to let us live that way that we are right now.

This is for the people who have accepted the fact they we, just like them, have lives that we continue to live.

This is for the gay men, and women, who still believes that someday, we can have the freedom to be who we want to be.

All we need is to be united, and to remember that we are who we are.

No ifs, no buts, no pretensions.

Back to the Old Drawing Board

News spread like wild fire.

If there is one thing I love, it would be that people are actually talking about me. And as an office mate once said - good or bad, rumors are good publicity.

What I hate about rumors, though, is that they are open to interpretation. Not like facts, which should be said as it is, rumors tend to change as it passes from one ear to another.

A couple of days ago, I had to write a very short, to the point, and rather hurried letter, a letter that I have been itching to give to my manager. It was my resignation letter, in a short bond paper. To my horror, I was not even given the chance to actually type the letter down and print it. I had to go. My name was at stake.

I know not a lot of people read my blog, but I'd rather still keep mum about the real reason for the resignation. So let me just put it this way. I'd rather have a graceful exit than to actually have something against my well-preserved name.

Anyway, people started talking about me. Text messages where sent to everyone, saying that I left the company in such a startling way. What better way to start a wild fire, but to strike when it's hot and leave without a trace...

So I left the company I have been working for for more than 2 years. I have been bored, but stressed, this past months, that I have been aching to leave the company for greener pastures.

Maybe I was already at the edge of the cliff, and all I needed was a push. The person who pushed me, though, pushed too hard. Now I ain't at the spot where I intended to be. Here I am, 26 years old, gay, broke and single. I am not complaining. I actually love the fact that for this very moment, I am finally free of the shackles that I willingly wore when I started working for that company. I just felt it get tighter, and tighter. My hands need to be free.

Maybe it is the World Recession everyone is talking about. They lose a job, they blame the recession. They break a heel, they blame the recession. They put on some weight, they still blame the recession. It is just very convenient to say that everything bad happening around the world is caused by the f*cking recession. So maybe I should get into the bandwagon and blame it to the world's financial crisis. But no, I'd rather put it this way - I lost my job because sometimes, though we are given the chance to be stupid sometimes, we abuse that privilege.

I have never, and will never regret anything I have done. Not now, not ever. To the people that I have worked with for the longest time - thank you for making me a part of life.

Oh well, it's back to the old drawing board.

Acute Gastroentiritis and Coffee

And so I was sick for 2 days, and that period of time I was glad I did not have to go to work. In a way, it was a way for me to miss working. And I did, I missed working.

What I love about getting time off work is the chance to do stuff that I would not be able to do during work week. What I hate about time off due to sickness is I cannot do anything, I have no social life, and I am bed ridden.

I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me that I had Acute Gastroentiritis.

"So do you drink soda?" she asked.
"I do."
"Cut down." She advised. "How about tea?"
"Only when coffee is not available."
"I suggest you cut down on tea. And if possible do not drink coffee anymore."

I was stunned. Coffee is my life - specially since I am working in a call center and I would definitely fall asleep if I do not drink any coffee at all.

I drink coffee all the time. I can even drink 5 mugs of coffee in one sitting.

Everytime I meet someone up, I suggested meeting over cups of coffee.

I love Starbucks, got a love-hate-relationship with Seattle's Best, and thank God for 1 peso coffee from the Coffee Vendo Machine in the office.

I nodded my head and asked for medical certificate for my condition.

That was yesterday.

I still can't get over the fact that I can't drink coffee anymore. So I did. I've had 3 mugs so far.

Bad, noh?

Suffocation

The bar was packed. As much as I wanted to dance on the dance floor, the people near the entrance did not allow me to do so.

I wanted to just dance, to forget about my life even for just a couple of minutes - ease the pain from my heart and transfer that pain to some more physical, like my tired feet.

Van said she wanted to to dance, but we did got the chance to. Nick tried prying me off the chair I was sitting on, but as much as I wanted to dance with him, I did not want to push myself into the already full dance floor.

The smoke machine blew white smoke into the air, adding suffocation to the already dark and warm room. Why can't they build a bigger bar? I wonder.

I drank thirstily, beer spilling into my tight black shirt. I didn't care what I'd look like.

I just want to forget. I feel suffocated. I need air.

Ramblings: the Coffee Vendo Machine

The coin clinked as it hit the bottom of the coffee dispenser. Oh well, I guess I am the first one to have vendo coffee in this building. I was early by 3 hours just so I could attend a meeting.

Holding the vendo coffee with my two hands, I wondered what I was still doing in this company. I see the same people. I do the same thing each and everyday.

I struggled as I tried to get the last stick of cancer stick I had left from the night before. I didn't get to smoke that much. I was really sleepy and a hit from a fag would definitely wake me up.

I came to the office at 10 pm. My shift officially starts at 1 am. I punched in my employee number into the lobby pc to log in, even though the company prohibits logging in much earlier than the time we are expected to be at the office. F*ck. Why do they even bother? I won't be paid for overtime anyway.

My mom did not want me to go to Europe to work there cause she said it would be hard for me. Duh, the work I have right now sucks, doesn't even cover all the bills without burning a hole in my pocket.

I'd take Italy anytime.

My head hurts.

I wanna go home.

Valentine's Day SUCKS.

A friend once asked me what my favorite holiday is. I said Halloween.

Then the follow-up questions came.

What about Christmas?

How about Independence Day?

April Fool's?

Valentines Day?

I glared at the person who asked me if I liked Valentine's Day. I glared at him cause he was asking me this to taunt me. He knows I did not have any "special someone". Not that I care.

What's with Heart's day anyway?

It is for the chocolate magnates that advertise candy as an aphrodisiac.

It is for women who pester their boyfriends or husbands to buy them pretty little things or all hell will break lose.

It is for flower shops charging exhorbitant prices for a dozen roses.

And, come to think of it, it is for bitter, tiny individuals just like me, trying to get on with life as it is.

The hearts that hung around every mall, every office, every classroom, even every comfort room makes me nauseous. It reminds me that my heart has been torn into microscopic pieces before, and that no amount of glue or tack can really heal it like it was before - way back when I was just a child.

When people wear red to celebrate the awful day, I wear black.

When people exchange kisses, I sleep.

Call me Crazy, but I really think this Valentine b*llsh*t SUCKS. BIGTIME.

I Miss My Angel

Listening to an old song, I remember when you were mine, and I yours.

I promised you that I will always be there when you called, but I broke that promise and I never turned back. If I could only turn back time, I would come back to you, and come back to the time when you were waiting for me to tell you that I still love you, and that I was willing to let go of the fault that you were never part of.

I made you choose between me and the girl who claimed to have your child. You chose me but still I let you go. I let you go because you will never have a future with me, I would never give you children.

It is a terrible fact that I do not want to remember, but everytime I hear this song, I can still see your eyes as you silently pleaded for me to stay. I can vividly remember tears falling down my cheek as I watched your cab drive away - away from the reality that I still love you, but I had to let you go.

I will never be too far away to feel you. I won't hesitate at all, whenever you call.

I tremble inside whenever I remember the way you held my hand, the way you looked into my eyes after we kissed.

And I'll always remember, the part of you so tender, I'll be the one to catch your fall, whenever you call.

My only regret - the biggest regret I've ever had, was that I was never there to gently kiss your tears away. I never understood what you did. Why you gave everything and yet I chose never to go back to your arms.

If I was given a chance to be part of your life again, I will.

As long as I hear this song playing, I will always remember, I loved you, and you are one of the biggest parts of my life.

I will always love you my angel, my Cherubim.