The Old Playground

Late post...

This used to be my playground.

Spending a week at the place I call home brought back a lot of memories. I seldom come home, you see, and even though I have lived here for most of my life, coming back makes me long for the old days, when the fog came in in the afternoon and these times were spent playing on the street with long forgotten childhood friends.

I used to walk up and down Session Road knowing that the day eventually turned into night – and as the temperature lowers, I walked faster, keeping my heart rate up and myself warm.

It is 1:14 in the morning, the 27^th day of the first month of 2013. Years ago, I would be sitting at my favourite internet shop, complaining about my day, passing time until I had to go home since I had work the next night. There, in the deadly web they call the internet, I have met people, learned new things, brought my carnality to life, and have given my heart the opportunity to get itself broken – several times.

After this stage, I became a social butterfly. I had the world eating through my hand. Everyone knows my name. I was a star. It would take me an entire hour just to go from point A to point B, just because I had a short conversation with the people I meet along the street. Yes, everyone knew who I was, and it made me very, very happy.

However, as time and so called friends came and went, I realized that I need to be somewhere else. Maybe it was the fact that I was getting older and I never really became successful in anything. I was a jack of all trades. I did everything but I mastered nothing, and eventually I was bored with my life. I wanted out.

One thing remained certain, though, my best friends who remained to know who I really was and never really  judged me. They accepted me for who I am, and I cherished every moment with them. It did not really  matter if we saw each other after a few weeks, a few months, or even years. It was like, as my dear sister-from-another-mother Di Anne said, pushing the play button after pressing pause.

Now, as I go back to reality after this very welcome “sabbatical”, I would take the new memories and store them once again inside the treasure chest I call life. I would definitely be back, and when I do, I will be pressing on the play button once again.

This city used to be my playground. This city saw me at the best and worst times of my life. This city showed me who I am and molded me to be who I will be in the next years of my life.

Goodbye for now, Baguio. Til we meet again.

The Forbidden Fruit

Like a piece of forbidden fruit


I touched its skin and
wondered what would it
feel like sinking my teeth
into its skin, tasting
its magnificent juices and letting some
dribble unto my chest

Waiting in anticipation
I touched, and the fruit trembled
It wanted me to touch it
It wanted me to taste it

The succulent fruit wanted me to devour
its entirety

And like Eve I nibbled

Now I am on fire

I want more

Reconnected: Ramblings on a Warm November Day

Wow. It has been a while. I have not been writing a blog entry for a long time and although I would like to say I have a lot of spare time in my hand, I'd rather spend this precious hours sleeping. It is that stressful.


A very good friend, who has a very successful travel blog, had his 28th birthday yesterday. He was so depressed that he reached that age, and said that he did not have any "accomplishments". You do, I said, telling him that he is a fabulous photographer and that he is a wonderful blogger/writer. 

"I take photos, and blog," he said. "You are a blogger too."

Hmmm. Yes, I am a blogger, although I haven't been doing it for a long long time. It made me guilty.

Guilty, because this was once an outlet of ALL the frustrations I had in life. This was the instrument that I used to let people know I am happy. That I have sad. That I was depressed once in a while. That I had a life and that I was not afraid to let other people know it.

Then I came to Manila to work.

Do not get me wrong, I am happy with what I have achieved so far. Satisfied - if I may say so. There are definitely times when I absolutely had no extra cash to buy what I want, or times when I am so flooded with activities at work that 5 minutes of doing nothing with just a cigarette in my hand keeps me sane - but I am happy.

I used to work hard, and party even harder. Now it's work hard and sleep. I am getting older. I am 30 for crying out loud.

Not that I am complaining. What I am doing now puts food on the table. But just enough.

I think I need a part time job.

____

When old friends reconnect through Facebook or Twitter, I get giddy. I would just want to ask questions, like "How have you been?", or "What do you do now". Sometimes, I wanna ask "Did you ever wonder what happened to me?"

It just seems that even in a world where everything is connected, there are still some friends - that I have met and liked years ago - out there. I am waiting in anticipation for more friends to discover me.

I am just here, and although inviting you for a cup of coffee might not be a good idea with the busy-ness of our schedules and the distance of our locations, I would like to reconnect. For old time's sake.

____

Yup, a lot on my mind today. Maybe it's because I am on leave from work and I have nothing to do but think.

A much deserved break.

It would be nicer if I was on a beach somewhere. 

I'd like to go back to Bolinao. :)

____

Well, I think that's it for now. 

Off to doing nothing again.

I'll be watching babies laughing on Youtube, if you don't mind. :)

Till next time.

Memories

This past few days, I have been trying to look for old photos ever since a single old picture of me came out of nowhere. It is addicting, visiting old sites and friend's profiles, hoping that a piece of my history is found.


I was flooded with memories from years ago, with old friends - some of whom I have never seen again.


Looking at old photos, I wondered. In Baguio I wanted a fast paced life. I wanted to be where everyone was. Now that I have been living as a Manileno, I miss the slow paced Baguio life - when afternoons where spent drinking coffee and with friends and weekends are spent dancing the night away.


I told a good friend about possibly going back home. She said she wished me luck, and that if it makes me happy, I should follow my heart.


But then again, I followed my heart, and I found myself working in Makati and living in Taguig. If you ask me right now if I am happy, I would say I am. But there is something missing. 


For now, I would just look for old pictures. I'd cross the bridge when I get there.

Realization

Coming to realization

I saw my future

Alone

Unloved

Then like an unexpected surprise

YOU

came along.

I used to think fairy tales do not come true

Now I know

Fairy Tales do exist

In a twisted way

You are my knight in shining armour

You caught be unaware

Not ready to leap, yet I did.

It was a leap of faith

And the greatest and happiest gamble I have ever done

I love you.

And this time I do not have to pretend you love me too.

30 Hours and a Minute

So I was awake for 40 hours this weekend. And when I finally got home I slept like a baby for 12 hours. :)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

So 21 hours before that it was Friday, 3 pm.

FRIDAY 3 PM (Awake for :00 seconds)

I woke up knowing that it was going to be a tiring weekend. I had a lot planned and I was excited to just have fun. Turning the TV on, I watched Kim and her sisters take over Miami. While I was doing so, I was preparing for the first activity after my last last shift for the week.

I left home 2 hours before my shift and managed to stay awake the entire night. I had a lot of things to finish, and I did, with a few more hours to spare in the shift to just relax.

Anyway, I cannot wait for 8:30 am.

____

SATURDAY 8:30 AM (Awake for 16 hours)

So I finally got into the FX that Volts got for the trip to Taytay. I was pretty tired by this time, but at the same time I was looking forward to real relaxation under the sun - or in this case - the cumulonimbus clouds.

____

SATURDAY 10:00 AM (Awake for 18 hours)

Club Manila East, in Taytay, Rizal, is one of the biggest resorts that I have been so far. It was so big, in fact, that I honestly haven't been to it's four corners yet. No need to, though, as the pools are more important than checking on the perimeters of the place.

I was immediately drawn to the kayak pool right in front of our cabana. I wanted to try it before, but I was afraid that the kayak might sink. So this was the perfect opportunity to actually try it out. So I did ride one - and I had fun. I never though kayaking was going to be this fun. It was being independent once again. You see, I haven't been on a boat aside from the one from Burnham Park, so I really had fun.

____

SATURDAY 7:00 PM (Awake for 28 hours and counting)

The kiddie pool in CME proved to be a haven for children. There are numerous fountains and a small slide. And it was the perfect place to catch up on gossip. Kelly, Pinky, Kit, and I were sitting beside the fountain while Kit's daughter, Fiona, was enjoying the water.

This was the first time in a long time that we had time to actually just talk about anything. We belonged to the same team before - Kit was our Team Lead. Kelly became Work Force and Pinky was in Claims. I was promoted to Team Lead and Kit is now my manager. And apparently, Fiona thinks I am nice. At least I think she thinks I am nice. So she now calls me Tito Chaz.

Fiona asked me if I was going to CME next weekend. I was not paying attention so I said yes. I was starting to feel tired.

____

SATURDAY 9:00 PM (30 hours so far)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

I was so tired by this time, though, that when Fiona asked me if I had desks when I was Grade 1 (I have no idea how we got that far into my life), I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the 7 year old pointed out that I fell asleep and demanded that I answer her question. That kid is real funny.

So we had a party to go to, that is why I was waiting for my manager. Via, my friend and former quality coach, had her "24th" birthday, and was having her party at the house of her boyfriend and multimillionaire Jobo* (*name withheld for security purposes).

____

SATURDAY 11:30 PM (22 hours, and 30 minutes awake)

We arrived at Casa De Elitista and we immediately had dinner - lovely barbeque and UBER HOT Chili Pasta. I loved the pasta so much I was planning to bring home some. Unfortunately a few hours later I forgot to ask for some since I was too drunk to even think straight.

The party lasted until the sun was up. Or should I say, the cumulonimbus clouds were up.

____

SUNDAY 6:00 am (29 hours awake)

It was raining cats and dogs and a good friend of Via offered a ride to EDSA. I agreed and together with the Centennial Becky Leo Maurithio and BFF Arlene A, we started the ride back home.

The ride was a memorable one, as in this trip, BFF Alo said she have not tasted NUTRIBUN yet. I would never forget her statement. In gay language, nutribun translates to the male sexual organ. Derived from the Filipino Gay word "Nota", nutribun offers a more graceful term for the commonly used - and most favorite part of the human anatomy - of gay people everywhere. Brava Mama Alo. It was the wonderful cap to the end of my tiresome 30 hours.

_____

SUNDAY 7:00 am

Ahhh... I never missed my bed as much as I did this time. I did not even take a shower. I just lay at my bed and remembered how much fun my weekend started.

_____

SUNDAY 7:01 am (30 hours and 1 minute awake)

I finally slept.

It was a tiring - but fun - start of the weekend.

Can't wait for the long weekend in September.

I wonder what plans would I have by that time. :)

Of The Volcanoes and Amy Winehouse

It has been a year - well, more than a year - from the last time that I wrote down something. It's either my busy schedule or the fact that my life has indeed become so boring that I can't even tell who I am anymore.

Anyway, a lot of shocking things had happened this past few weeks that I cannot help but just say something about it!

First order of business:



The removal of the Philippine Volcanoes billboard at EDSA-Guadalupe because of the complaints from "concerned citizens."

I mean, WHAT THE F!!!! I would not mind passing by Guadalupe on a Friday night or a Saturday Morning or any time - even if there is horrendous traffic at that area almost all the time - if this billboard was still up!

When I heard about the removal of the billboards, the first thing I though was - WHY CANT THEY REMOVE THE BILLBOARDS of almost naked women too?! The overly pathetic Patriarchal mentality of this country just shows that it is OK to let women flaunt around in their underwear, but men need to remain clothed and "respected".

What is wrong with a man wearing underwear for all the world to see? This are strong men who just managed to look good in briefs and balls!

For the "concerned citizens" who wanted the billboards removed - you should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you explain why you wanted the billboards removed? We need an explanation! We NEED the Philippine Volcanoes!!!


Second:




Amy Winehouse's untimely death.

I had dreams of Amy. I wanted to meet her in person!

When one of my bestfriends, Kiko, introduced me to her music, I was instantly hooked. Her voice is completely different from what I have grown up hearing on the radio. I was addicted to her songs. Too bad she only has a few songs under her sleeves. I was looking forward to buying another album from her.

Her life has been under the scrutiny of the public for a long period of time. She had her ups and downs. And she never got out of the God forsaken depression that just dug a bigger hole around her.

Her death at the young age of 27 proves one thing - that no matter how young a person is, fame can get the best of anyone. She never wanted to be famous. She just wanted to sing - her music was her passion. She will be missed.

The Pursuit of Happiness

How far can you go for the pursuit of real happiness?

My friend quoted a line from the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness", about not having a Y in the word itself. It is true, there is no Y in the word.

It is a very powerful statement. It is not just a play in letters. It is the fact that to be real happy, there shouldn't be any "WHYs".

Why should you be happy? Because you have to.

Why aren't there any Y's in the word happiness? Because in order to be happy, you only have to go with the flow.

A friend is having a real difficult time right now, trying to be happy, and actually finding someone to make him happy, only to learn that there might be a little hitch. Seems that not everything perfect seems to be exactly what it is.

I am having an equally difficult task of being the Devil's Advocate, trying to lessen his burden by letting him know what the pros and cons are in this decision that he has to make. I want him to find real happiness, and so far he seems blissful. But it would be all blissful until someone realizes that he should not have gone this far.

What makes me happy, you might ask... It is being able to be myself, without judgment from anyone. Sounds kinda hard to achieve right? Believe me, it is. In fact, I have never felt real happiness for a while.

People think that happiness comes with another person you can call your better half. Others think that true bliss comes from money, and having lots of it. I personally believe that happiness can only be realize when you feel satisfaction.

And right, we can never really be fully satisfied right.

No matter how hard we try, although we would be able to feel real happiness once in a while, it can never be full. It is the fact of life - the pursuit of happiness is never ending. And it continuously changes.

So to my friend, who seeks the answer to his question, I wish you good luck in realizing what you want. Remember, I will always be here to lend you a shoulder. You can count on that.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I only spoke this six words twice, three times at most, and every time I say them, the hair at the back of neck stand on end. I am getting older everyday and it's not funny.

A couple of days ago, on our way to SM Makati to buy some things for Fat(slimming)Beki, we passed by an unfamiliar site, something that I have only seen in movies. It was surreal, and although it was so morbid, I knew it was a site worth seeing.

This guy was lying face down in front of the condominium building. He was wearing nice clothes. He looked tall, trim, clean. His shoes where buffed. And he was dead. There was a whole lot of people around the area, just looking around, busybodies who wanted to get a piece of the action. This is real life drama folks. Real life murder - as what I have read after 2 days.

It made me think. This guy was successful. He was at the peak of his life as a bachelor. He almost had everything. Until he lost his life.

Browsing through the gay Social Networking site I have been a member of for years, I saw a profile of someone who professed at being HIV+. In the profile was a link for his blog, which I read. I was amazed, how someone like him could be strong enough to write about something that causes him pain - every day. I admire this person's strength, I would never be that strong.

There was a story about a person who hit his head with a hammer endlessly. He went to the doctor and the doctor asked why he was doing it. "Because it feels so good when I stop doing it."

Life is a bowl of cherries. It has pits.
Life is gambling. You will never know when you would win.
Life is disappointing, but you'll never get what you want if you just stay in the shadows.

I am going to live my life - even if it means that I am actually older than 25. :)

First Time

Your lips touched my cheek.

My world turned.

Lips then touched mine.

I want this.

I have never felt this way before.