Here's a blog entry I found, browsing through my old blog 2 years ago. This blog entry amde me realize that I haven't really changed much, I just started learning a lot more.
_______
It’s cold and I brought an old jacket that smells of mothballs. The keyboard on this computer isn’t functioning very well, I have to hit the backspace key so many times to erase mistakes. I have a lot to complain about, but I didn’t walk 5 blocks just to write about the "not-so-nice" things that happened to me today.
So let me rephrase my opening paragraph.
It’s cold, and I have always enjoyed the cool breeze and low temperatures. It reminds me of my dream to go the Manhattan one day and enjoy the cold that Sarah Jessica Parker is always complaining about. Let’s exchange places Sarah. I’ll bet you’ll miss New York.
It has been several days since the last time I wrote on my diary at home. YES, aside from religiously posting on this online blog, I also keep a private recording of what happens in my life, stuff that is not meant for the public eye. In the pages of that diary, I keep track of what I might easily forget when I grow old. I am afraid to lose memories, wonderful or regrettable events that made me who I am now.
I have kept a diary all my life. Some of them I have lost, I have kept a couple of them, and I read them when I have time. Its funny how I behaved and thought before. I realized that ever since, I have always struggled with my love life. And when I compare myself now to what I was before, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank God that I have learned a LOT.
Going back to the things of the past isnt that hard as other might think. Sometimes, they might even serve as a reminder of what and what not to change, a reminder of happy times to shed light to a gray day, and a reflection of the bad days that will make us strive to make our lives better.
Having said that, I have great confidence that I can face my life now with the reassurance that anything I do, and any consequences it may bring to my life, I will always rise like a phoenix, ready to tackle anything that blocks my way.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Same Old, Same Old...
Blah blah blah...
A lot of things being thought about, too little time to actually talk about it.
It's almost Christmas, and though I have already bought gifts, I am having a hard time finding time to wrap them all up. If I could just give the givfts in plastic bags, I would...
It has been a while since the last time that I wrote something. I am quite bored, to say the least, and I honestly do not have anything to write about. Or talk about.
A colleague recently approached me and asked me why I was so sad.
"I ain't sad," I said, irritated that people assume I am sad when I don't talk. "I just don't feel like talking."
Then they start asking if i was feeling well.
I don't really know what's happening with me right now. A couple of months ago, I would enjoy a night out with friends. I'll dance till the wee hours of the morning, or till my feet start aching, wanting to rest from being wrapped in 4 inch stilletos. Now I'd rather stay at home and drink bottles of beer with friends till I pass out. :)
Maybe it's that "getting older" thing my mom used to tell me.
"Tumatanda ka na," ("You're getting older,") she would say. "You should start acting your age."
I remember that TV commercial by Edu Manzano, the one that said it is ok to be 40, as long as that person looks 30 (or something younger). It is so unfair! I mean, I am just 26, but I look ages older that what I really am! Grrr..
Anyway, I can't wait for the weekend. I haven't really though of what to do on Saturday, but I have a distinct feeling I would just be staying at home.
Maybe I should start learning how to crochet or something. :P
A lot of things being thought about, too little time to actually talk about it.
It's almost Christmas, and though I have already bought gifts, I am having a hard time finding time to wrap them all up. If I could just give the givfts in plastic bags, I would...
It has been a while since the last time that I wrote something. I am quite bored, to say the least, and I honestly do not have anything to write about. Or talk about.
A colleague recently approached me and asked me why I was so sad.
"I ain't sad," I said, irritated that people assume I am sad when I don't talk. "I just don't feel like talking."
Then they start asking if i was feeling well.
I don't really know what's happening with me right now. A couple of months ago, I would enjoy a night out with friends. I'll dance till the wee hours of the morning, or till my feet start aching, wanting to rest from being wrapped in 4 inch stilletos. Now I'd rather stay at home and drink bottles of beer with friends till I pass out. :)
Maybe it's that "getting older" thing my mom used to tell me.
"Tumatanda ka na," ("You're getting older,") she would say. "You should start acting your age."
I remember that TV commercial by Edu Manzano, the one that said it is ok to be 40, as long as that person looks 30 (or something younger). It is so unfair! I mean, I am just 26, but I look ages older that what I really am! Grrr..
Anyway, I can't wait for the weekend. I haven't really though of what to do on Saturday, but I have a distinct feeling I would just be staying at home.
Maybe I should start learning how to crochet or something. :P
Monday, December 15, 2008
The Great Divisoria Escape
It has been such a tiring weekend. I had to go down to Manila (Philippines Capital, around 8 hours away from where I am right now) to buy gifts for Christmas. I dread the holiday season, but if there was one thing I love doing, it's giving gifts (then receiving some :)).
The weekend started at 3:00 am. After work, I boarded a bus to Manila. I got some sleep on the bus, but it wasn't really enough to get me through one whole day. Anyway, when I arrived at Manila, it was not too warm. It was still humid (temperatures can go as warm as 33.05 degrees Celsius (91.49 degrees Fahrenheit), but the weather was actually pleasant.
After leaving my stuff at my friend Piper's house, we rode the train to Divisoria, a haven for people who have little money to spend but a lot of friends to give gifts to. We spent almost 4 hours, in the middle of at least a thousand people crammed into a block of old buildings, haggling for shirts and pants and other stuff. It was hell. But I got a little with my Php2,000 budget (roughly US$50).
That was basically the only itinerary for the day, but my energy gave way. At around 4 pm, I gave up (Take note, I have been awake for more than 24 hours). Another 2 hour train ride back to Piper's place, and we only got a few minutes to shower and ride the train to another location, this time SM Mall of Asia, one of the biggest malls in Asia, the biggest in the Philippines. There were still a lot of people, it was a Saturday, and there are no classes, so basically everyone wanted to get out of there homes and share in the bliss of Christmas shopping. Thank God I shopped earlier than usual (I usually do Christmas shopping on the 24th).
After maxing out my credit card, we went home at around 12 am (Sunday morning), and we rode a bus back to Piper's house (2 hour bus ride).
After a quick shower, and a change of clothes, we went clubbing... at 2 am. We didn't get to dance much, the bar we went to was crammed with gay guys, and we were tired. So we went home at around 4 am. We arrived at Piper's place at 7 am.
I haven't had any real sleep since Friday, so once my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. Only to wake up after 3 hours. We had to go home the next day, so we decided to have as many things done with the little time we have.
Sunday was not too hectic, we had time to actually sit and have a frapuccino, we watched a movie, then we had some last minute shopping. Then it was back home at 1 am.
When we woke up 6 hours later, we boarded a bus going back to Baguio, and slept on the bus on our way up.
It was a real hectic weekend, but I had lot of fun. I am looking forward to the next adventure we are gonna have. :)
The weekend started at 3:00 am. After work, I boarded a bus to Manila. I got some sleep on the bus, but it wasn't really enough to get me through one whole day. Anyway, when I arrived at Manila, it was not too warm. It was still humid (temperatures can go as warm as 33.05 degrees Celsius (91.49 degrees Fahrenheit), but the weather was actually pleasant.
After leaving my stuff at my friend Piper's house, we rode the train to Divisoria, a haven for people who have little money to spend but a lot of friends to give gifts to. We spent almost 4 hours, in the middle of at least a thousand people crammed into a block of old buildings, haggling for shirts and pants and other stuff. It was hell. But I got a little with my Php2,000 budget (roughly US$50).
That was basically the only itinerary for the day, but my energy gave way. At around 4 pm, I gave up (Take note, I have been awake for more than 24 hours). Another 2 hour train ride back to Piper's place, and we only got a few minutes to shower and ride the train to another location, this time SM Mall of Asia, one of the biggest malls in Asia, the biggest in the Philippines. There were still a lot of people, it was a Saturday, and there are no classes, so basically everyone wanted to get out of there homes and share in the bliss of Christmas shopping. Thank God I shopped earlier than usual (I usually do Christmas shopping on the 24th).
After maxing out my credit card, we went home at around 12 am (Sunday morning), and we rode a bus back to Piper's house (2 hour bus ride).
After a quick shower, and a change of clothes, we went clubbing... at 2 am. We didn't get to dance much, the bar we went to was crammed with gay guys, and we were tired. So we went home at around 4 am. We arrived at Piper's place at 7 am.
I haven't had any real sleep since Friday, so once my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. Only to wake up after 3 hours. We had to go home the next day, so we decided to have as many things done with the little time we have.
Sunday was not too hectic, we had time to actually sit and have a frapuccino, we watched a movie, then we had some last minute shopping. Then it was back home at 1 am.
When we woke up 6 hours later, we boarded a bus going back to Baguio, and slept on the bus on our way up.
It was a real hectic weekend, but I had lot of fun. I am looking forward to the next adventure we are gonna have. :)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Changes and Boredom
I have been sitting for 8 hours, waiting for the end of the class. I was on training for the new account I am moving in and I am bored to death.
It has been almost 2 weeks when they told me I was to move to a new account. I have been with with my account for 2 years - part of the first batch, in fact - and it tore my heart apart to hear that we were to lose the account, it was going back to Manila.
I had a lot of good memories with the account I previously had. It was a sales account, and being in a sales environment actually made me a better person. I learned a lot from the account and it truly is pain to see it dissolve.
Let me just say that I am happy to be in the new account (rather than lose my job). It is a Financial Services Bank, and though I hate math, our trainer told us we will just be using Simple Elementary Math to do our job correctly. Whew.
The company I work for prides itself in being flexible. Too flexible, in fact, that I can be in 3 different accounts within 3 months - transferred from one account to another.
I am a bit optimistic that I would stay in this new account for a long time. If possible, another 2 years.
That is one thing about changes. It takes boredom away from life.
It has been almost 2 weeks when they told me I was to move to a new account. I have been with with my account for 2 years - part of the first batch, in fact - and it tore my heart apart to hear that we were to lose the account, it was going back to Manila.
I had a lot of good memories with the account I previously had. It was a sales account, and being in a sales environment actually made me a better person. I learned a lot from the account and it truly is pain to see it dissolve.
Let me just say that I am happy to be in the new account (rather than lose my job). It is a Financial Services Bank, and though I hate math, our trainer told us we will just be using Simple Elementary Math to do our job correctly. Whew.
The company I work for prides itself in being flexible. Too flexible, in fact, that I can be in 3 different accounts within 3 months - transferred from one account to another.
I am a bit optimistic that I would stay in this new account for a long time. If possible, another 2 years.
That is one thing about changes. It takes boredom away from life.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
End the Year with Bangs!
Van got bangs before Christmas. Ok, it wasn't that bad, she actually looked good, but I have this Love Hate relationship with Bangs.
I have been trying to grow bangs for most of this year. When I didn't get the desired result, I shaved all my hair off.
What's with bangs anyway?
Emo anyone?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Of Lost Glasses and Rootbeer
I lost my favorite pair of glasses a month ago, it was the only pair I have kept for over a year. It looked good on me, and I held on to the hope of finding it, even going as far as straining to look at my pc monitor while creating reports and reading materials over the internet.
When I decided to get another pair, I could'nt really find a pair of frames that would look like it, or would look even close to it. So I pick this really thin frames that was light weight, and then paid for scratch proof lenses to make myself feel better. After I paid for the overpriced pair of glasses, I looked at myself in the mirror, and though I was able to see real clearer, I felt like an old man was staring back at me.
A couple of weeks ago, an officemate approached me and mentioned that he found a pair of glasses. He described it, and, like a child who was told he'll be getting a new bike for Christmas, my eyes sparkled with hope. I found it, my favorite pair of glasses.
Now, writing this blog entry, I am peering through the only pair of glasses that lasted this long. It was lost, but now it has been found.
*****
When I was a child, my mom would usually bring me to Greenwich, a local pizza fastfood shop, just like Shakey's, or Pizza Hut, and I would look forward to our "lunchdates". And one thing that I would always look forward to is the rootbeer that comes with my "kiddie meal."
I cannot describe how much I craved for Rootbeer. But then, when I started drinking other beverages, I soon forgot the taste of the special drink.
After coming from a week long Medical leave, I saw that there were new vending machines in the pantry.
Lo and behold, sitting inside the vending machine, like puppy with its sad eyes, was a can of ice cold Sarsi, and old favorite that made me reminisce the old times with my mom as we dug in to a medium vegetarian pizza.
I cannot describe how it felt when the cold rootbeer touched my tongue. It was like I was in heaven. I was actually dreaming of being in a Sarsi Commercial, with my hair being gently caressed by the wind as closed my eyes to savour the taste that only Sarsi can bring - a taste of love.
Now I feel ackward as Van looks at me, wondering why I looked that way.
When I decided to get another pair, I could'nt really find a pair of frames that would look like it, or would look even close to it. So I pick this really thin frames that was light weight, and then paid for scratch proof lenses to make myself feel better. After I paid for the overpriced pair of glasses, I looked at myself in the mirror, and though I was able to see real clearer, I felt like an old man was staring back at me.
A couple of weeks ago, an officemate approached me and mentioned that he found a pair of glasses. He described it, and, like a child who was told he'll be getting a new bike for Christmas, my eyes sparkled with hope. I found it, my favorite pair of glasses.
Now, writing this blog entry, I am peering through the only pair of glasses that lasted this long. It was lost, but now it has been found.
*****
When I was a child, my mom would usually bring me to Greenwich, a local pizza fastfood shop, just like Shakey's, or Pizza Hut, and I would look forward to our "lunchdates". And one thing that I would always look forward to is the rootbeer that comes with my "kiddie meal."
I cannot describe how much I craved for Rootbeer. But then, when I started drinking other beverages, I soon forgot the taste of the special drink.
After coming from a week long Medical leave, I saw that there were new vending machines in the pantry.
Lo and behold, sitting inside the vending machine, like puppy with its sad eyes, was a can of ice cold Sarsi, and old favorite that made me reminisce the old times with my mom as we dug in to a medium vegetarian pizza.
I cannot describe how it felt when the cold rootbeer touched my tongue. It was like I was in heaven. I was actually dreaming of being in a Sarsi Commercial, with my hair being gently caressed by the wind as closed my eyes to savour the taste that only Sarsi can bring - a taste of love.
Now I feel ackward as Van looks at me, wondering why I looked that way.
*****
Here's to lost and found things, bringing us back to the past, and making us hope that someday, though impossible, we can go back to the past to relive any moment - any moment we continue longing for.
Monday, November 17, 2008
No to H8.
I am a Filipino.
I believe in the Freedom of Speech.
I am gay.
I believe in Love.
I am a human being.
I believe in EQUALITY.
No matter where you are. Let us make a stand.
No to Proposition 8.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
For Ben
It was one fateful July night. Or was it June? I can't remember. What I remembered was that you approached me and asked me where to get a nose ring - just like mine.
The nose ring was faux, I didn't even have a nose piercing. I just wanted to make a statement. And you noticed. I was touched.
Just like previous encounters, I forgot about you. Until you came back.
It was almost a year after that fateful encounter. You came back and you had to remind me how we met. I didn't remember, but I pretened I did. What I remembered was that I was wearing that fabulous faux nose ring. And that for one night, I was happier than usual, dancing on top of the chairs at our favorite bar. That was what I remembered.
Now, 2 years after, when I want to forget, I can't. I keep coming back to the times when I saw you almost everyday. I keep coming back to the glorious stupidity that I brought on to myself. Do I regret any of these? No.
I have prayed, begged, and wished that you were mine, and yet not even a thousand coins thrown at a wishing well would change the fact that I am, in fact, just someone who came to your life - unexpectedly and uninvited.
I am writing this, after almost 3 years from that fateful night I first met you.
The tear dropped from my eye, to my cheek, and I felt pity. For myself. For you. For anyone who is looking for love and finding something that might be it - only to find out that it never is, and will never will.
I never thanked you for everything you have done for me. I guess now is the time.
Thank you for making me realize that I am more than what I perceive myself to be. You made me realize that I am who I am, and I do not have to change for anyone else in the world.
Salamat Ben. Salamat sa lahat.
The nose ring was faux, I didn't even have a nose piercing. I just wanted to make a statement. And you noticed. I was touched.
Just like previous encounters, I forgot about you. Until you came back.
It was almost a year after that fateful encounter. You came back and you had to remind me how we met. I didn't remember, but I pretened I did. What I remembered was that I was wearing that fabulous faux nose ring. And that for one night, I was happier than usual, dancing on top of the chairs at our favorite bar. That was what I remembered.
Now, 2 years after, when I want to forget, I can't. I keep coming back to the times when I saw you almost everyday. I keep coming back to the glorious stupidity that I brought on to myself. Do I regret any of these? No.
I have prayed, begged, and wished that you were mine, and yet not even a thousand coins thrown at a wishing well would change the fact that I am, in fact, just someone who came to your life - unexpectedly and uninvited.
I am writing this, after almost 3 years from that fateful night I first met you.
The tear dropped from my eye, to my cheek, and I felt pity. For myself. For you. For anyone who is looking for love and finding something that might be it - only to find out that it never is, and will never will.
I never thanked you for everything you have done for me. I guess now is the time.
Thank you for making me realize that I am more than what I perceive myself to be. You made me realize that I am who I am, and I do not have to change for anyone else in the world.
Salamat Ben. Salamat sa lahat.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Paglisan - Isang Maikling Tula
Parang sinilaban ang puso ko
nang malaman ko na iiwan mo na ako.
Mula sa iyong mga labi namutawi
ang mga salitang pinilit kong tanggalin sa aking pagiisip.
Ngunit kahit anong gawin kong pilit,
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.
Bakit sa dinami - dami ng mga taong kailangang lumisan,
ikaw pa.
Kaya eto ako, nagdarasal na sana
- sana lang - hindi maisakatuparan ang iyong paglisan.
Dahil alam ko, dito sa kaibuturan ng aking puso,
hindi ko kakayaning wala ka.
nang malaman ko na iiwan mo na ako.
Mula sa iyong mga labi namutawi
ang mga salitang pinilit kong tanggalin sa aking pagiisip.
Ngunit kahit anong gawin kong pilit,
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.
Bakit sa dinami - dami ng mga taong kailangang lumisan,
ikaw pa.
Kaya eto ako, nagdarasal na sana
- sana lang - hindi maisakatuparan ang iyong paglisan.
Dahil alam ko, dito sa kaibuturan ng aking puso,
hindi ko kakayaning wala ka.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
10 Years Ago
Ten Years Ago:
I was 16. I only had a few months left in the last year of Highschool, and I was excited. I felt like I was on my way to success. I can't believe it has been ten years. 1998 was the year Spice Girls became a household name. I collected albums (then in tapes) of my favorite artists - Mariah, Madonna, Shania, Spice Girls, Britney. I was not a virgin anymore - and by that time I already knew I was gay. I was gay - but not very happy. I went to church every Saturday night and I first tasted tobacco by this age. I have been smoking ever since.
Five Years Ago:
The year was 2003. I was 21. Fresh out of College, I was on top of the world. I was, by that time, taking review classes for the Board Exams. Didn't take it though. I was afraid I'd fail. I felt like an outcast, I had just come back from Pangasinan and I did not even know who my neighbors were. I didn't have any friends, only my cousins, and I have started going out with them. Alberto's, Gimbals. The Divah was about to be born. :)
One Year Ago:
I had a great job, I had great friends. Come to think of it I still have it! I was already part of the Junior Management of my account in PeopleSupport.
One month ago:
Had all my hair shaved. It has been a month and I can already pull my hair. I decided to shave everything off because I am trying to grow most of my hair back - talk about thinning hair at my very young age...
Five Snacks:
1. Tempura chips - I can't get enough of the yummy shrimp taste.
2. Chocolates
3. Siopao!
4. Krispy Kreme Donuts (glazed)
5. Ensaymada
Five Songs I Know All the Words To:
1. Most Spice Girls songs
2. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
3. I love You Goodbye by Nina/Celine Dion
4. Most Mariah Carey Songs
5. Get Far Shining Star
Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy my parents a house.
2. Buy my own house.
3. Buy my brother a business.
4. Create my own fashion line.
5. Travel the world with my family.
Five Places to Run Away To:
1. To the Beach!
2. Any coffee shop.
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. I'd love to go to Europe. :)
5. Bora bora? :)
Five Favorite TV Shows:
1. Sex and the City
2. Gossip Girl
3. America's Next Top Model
4. Project Runway - too bad they cancelled the new season due to legal reasons.
5. Kay Susan Tayo
Five Greatest Joys:
1. Partying with Friends
2. Weekends
3. Paydays!
4. Having coffee
5. Summer
Thanks Noel!
I was 16. I only had a few months left in the last year of Highschool, and I was excited. I felt like I was on my way to success. I can't believe it has been ten years. 1998 was the year Spice Girls became a household name. I collected albums (then in tapes) of my favorite artists - Mariah, Madonna, Shania, Spice Girls, Britney. I was not a virgin anymore - and by that time I already knew I was gay. I was gay - but not very happy. I went to church every Saturday night and I first tasted tobacco by this age. I have been smoking ever since.
Five Years Ago:
The year was 2003. I was 21. Fresh out of College, I was on top of the world. I was, by that time, taking review classes for the Board Exams. Didn't take it though. I was afraid I'd fail. I felt like an outcast, I had just come back from Pangasinan and I did not even know who my neighbors were. I didn't have any friends, only my cousins, and I have started going out with them. Alberto's, Gimbals. The Divah was about to be born. :)
One Year Ago:
I had a great job, I had great friends. Come to think of it I still have it! I was already part of the Junior Management of my account in PeopleSupport.
One month ago:
Had all my hair shaved. It has been a month and I can already pull my hair. I decided to shave everything off because I am trying to grow most of my hair back - talk about thinning hair at my very young age...
Five Snacks:
1. Tempura chips - I can't get enough of the yummy shrimp taste.
2. Chocolates
3. Siopao!
4. Krispy Kreme Donuts (glazed)
5. Ensaymada
Five Songs I Know All the Words To:
1. Most Spice Girls songs
2. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
3. I love You Goodbye by Nina/Celine Dion
4. Most Mariah Carey Songs
5. Get Far Shining Star
Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy my parents a house.
2. Buy my own house.
3. Buy my brother a business.
4. Create my own fashion line.
5. Travel the world with my family.
Five Places to Run Away To:
1. To the Beach!
2. Any coffee shop.
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. I'd love to go to Europe. :)
5. Bora bora? :)
Five Favorite TV Shows:
1. Sex and the City
2. Gossip Girl
3. America's Next Top Model
4. Project Runway - too bad they cancelled the new season due to legal reasons.
5. Kay Susan Tayo
Five Greatest Joys:
1. Partying with Friends
2. Weekends
3. Paydays!
4. Having coffee
5. Summer
Thanks Noel!
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