Lost for Words...

I am at lost for words. I have summarized what I was suppose to say in this post while I was walking to the nearest internet cafe. But when I got here, I have lost track of what I would have been typing right now. It is so ironic, how easily I forget things, when,in fact, I have never wanted to lose track of anything that has happened in my life. I keep a diary because I would want to remember details of what has occured in my life during the day. But still, here I am, trying to remember the beautiful words that I have weaved before.

I think I should be talking about my lovelife. My ex has been texting me, and I have been reassured by him that he has indeed loved me, and it was just because he was in another relationship that gave me enough reason to break up with him. I never forgot how much I loved him. I told him that he will always have a special place in my heart.

I sent a text message to my "anak" a while back, telling him that I already know that I will never experience happiness anymore, and that I think I really have to live with it. He replied, saying I deserve happiness and that I will find it eventually. Then he asked me if we can make babies. I didn't reply. I didn't have time for humor.

One of my new found friends, "Mighty" told me that to let go of someone, I would have to let the wind carry the memories away, and that I have to focus on my future. I replied, saying that as much as I want to, the wind is blowing my direction, and it is obstructing my view. A desert storm of unimaginable proportions covering my path to real happiness. What a BUGG3R...

Im lost for words again. I keep on staring at the monitor and wondering what I can say about what happened to my day.

I give up. I might as well try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day...

Sleeping All Day...

The drizzling rain outside added to the already cold wind that envelopes Baguio City. In other words, its freezing like hell and I have been very lazy to even see the sky the whole day. I spent the entire morning and afternoon sleeping till I can't feel my toes anymore. Talk about being lazy.

Last year's December wasn't this cold. I can't even imagine how cold it is going to be this February. I might need another thick blanket.

I have friends coming over this Christmas from Manila and Ilocos. They want to spend Christmas here. Good for them. I have always dreamed of spending the Holidays somewhere warm. Like the Carribean. Or Florida. For now I would be spending my cold Christmas alone (well, not alone, my friends are gonna be there). Not that I haven't tried spending it alone before.

Well, got to go home and sleep (again). I have nothing to do but sleep. I lead a boring life...

Any Complaints?

It's freezing in Baguio right now. I think it's below 10 degrees celcius and I have to wear my warmest turtleneck to avoid getting sick. Guess what? I caught the colds. Sh*t. My lips are cracked and they hurt like hell. Double sh*t.

I'm back to smoking 3 packs of cigs per day. And I drink beer like water. Talk about taking care of my health. I have decided to jog everyday though. I wake up at 5:00 am and jog around Burnham Park. Then I wake up from that dream, look at my watch and find out its 11:00 am. Now that's something to be proud of.

Here I am complaining about everything again. I will have to change my outlook in life. In fact, I am going to add this to my New Year's Resolutions. I hate New Year's Resolutions. There. I complained again. My "anak" is right. I complain too much. Haha.

4:00 am on my cellphone. I am going to wait for the sun to rise before I go home. Then I will sleep the whole day. Then I might go to Friday's for my weekly dose of stress reliever. I might wear something warm. I am beginning to hate the climate. Another complaint. No wonder people think I am a snob. I complain a lot.

Christmas Won't be the same without MICKEY.

When I was a child, my dad and mom gave me a large Mickey Mouse stuffed toy as my Christmas gift. My mom told me it was from Santa. I knew they bought it for P100 at Tiongsan. It was big, twice as big as me. And that time it was already expensive. I also knew Santa didn't exist, but didn't care. I have Mickey with me.

Growing up, I never really had presents. Christmas, Birthdays, Graduations. No gifts. Just the ocassional peck on the cheek, tap on the shoulder or a hug. Just that. I never complained. Money was hard to get by those days. So I learned to be thankful for the health and love blah blah blah.

People don't even ask me what I want for Christmas. They have always asked me to give them one though. If they even bothered to ask, I would have asked for WORLD PEACE... or a digital camera... or both.

They said Christmas is in the air. I know of people who would rather celebrate Halloween than be part of the Yuletide season. I know it can be depressing, but who wouldnt want to spend Christmas with their family? Come to think of it, I have already spent 10 years in other people's houses to celebrate Christmas' Eve and New Year's Eve. It wasn't much fun at home. They all sleep early. That's how boring it is at home.

This year would be different. I'll definitely be alone. No family, no friends. Self exile is what I call it, being alone just to prove to everyone that I can make it. With or without them. I am a self-proclaimed masochist.

I wonder where that Mickey Mouse stuffed toy is? I think my mom threw it out together with the trash a couple of years ago. And together with it is the memory of Christmas past, when everyone was happy and hugging and kissing.

I miss those days.

Sa Bawat Patak ng Ulan

(An old post I have written June 3, 2005. It still breaks my heart to read it.)

Sa bawat pagising ko ng umaga, ikaw ang laman ng isip ko...

Ewan ko kung bakit ganun, basta ang alam ko, gusto kitang makita,
kahit na mga letra lamang ng pangalan mo ang makita ko sapat na sa akin...

sa bawat patak ng ulan tandaan mo, kasama niyan bumubuhos ang pagibig na ilalaan ko para sa iyo...

kahit na pilit mong nilalayo ang sarili mo sa akin....

sa mundo ko, ikaw ang naghahari...
ang mayari ng puso ko.

sa mahihinang tibok ng puso ko naririnig ko ang pangalan mo
sa bawat patak ng ulan naririnig ko ang tibok ng puso mo....

ang tibok ng puso mong inilaan mo na para sa iba
naiinggit ako sa kanya, dahil alam kong siya lang ang magiging laman ng puso mo...
at kahit pilitin kong ipasok ang sarili ko sa mundo mo, hinding hindi tayo magiging para sa isat isa...

kaya heto, babalik na lang ako sa tabi ng aking bintana,
makikinig nang muli sa pagpatak ng ulan...

dahil alam ko,
sa bawat patak ng ulan,
andun ka,
naririnig kita...

Changes

Yup. I have decided to look for other means of shouting out what I have in mind. I have created an account in Blogspot eons ago, unfortunately I have forgotten my password. Just like my account at Myspace. I have memory gap. I can't eat seafoods. Or I might have to have my brain reformatted.

My previous blog was in Friendster, so if you get a chance to take a look at it, you might wanna click on www.friendster.com/bogart (and send to 2366) and click on the part where it says "view blog". Or you can click on http://chaz_in_time.blogs.friendster.com/peanut_butter/ for a short cut. Either way you can view 45 of my previous blogs going back to the 18th century.

Anyways, starting now you might wanna check on this address every once in a while to check up on how a little boy like me would want to say about the world. Or my so called life.