The Heart of the Matter

"An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?"

There I was, watching the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. Then this song cues in. It touched my heart.

I thought of you.

And here I am, sitting alone in a n internet shop, looking for words to describe how I feel right.

You said you found someone. That was weeks ago. And it dawned on me, just now, that I still love you. I lost myself in you. For one whole year. Without any assurance of love to come. You did say you love me, on countless occasions. And though there was no clear cut line on the borderline to friendship and love, I remained by your side.

"I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

When I decided to let go of you, I started living my life alone - again - after a long time. Then I would sometimes remember the times we were together. Do you remember the time we were at Camp John Hay? Just you and me? Parked somewhere at dawn, just talking about each other? That was the first time I knew I liked you. Then like grew to love. Then I was stuck. Stuck at loving you. I have been trying to ask myself why I fell for you. Then I had the answer. It was you. You were the very reason I fell in love. And I hate it that I fell in love at the wrong time.

I have to learn again. Slowly let go of my feelings for you. The fact is, I haven't really let you go. Now I really have to.

"I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

I want to really move on. And the only way to get over you is to accept the fact that I will never have you.

I have to forgive myself and continue living my life - alone.

I will scatter the ashes of the love I had for you, together with the memories that I have with you.

Just one last thing before I go:

The Heart of the Matter is, you will always be my One, True, Love.