Bull

Falling in love.

Some say it is the essance of living in this world. Others disagree, saying they don't need love to live. I, honestly, do not know what side I am on. I mean, I can live without someone to actually love. But every morning, everytime my head hits the pillow, I wonder when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet.

Damn, just like a child fantasizing about their wedding day, I fantasize about meeting someone and clicking with that person - out of the blue, like in a bookstore or a coffee shop. But, unlike children, who harbor that innate hope that someday dreams would come true, I always put this fantasies aside and remember that I am in the real world. No happy ever afters, no wedding cakes, no wedding gowns. For me at least. For a person like me.

I have always dreaded falling in love. I hate the feeling of falling for someone. Maybe I had too many heartbreaks to last a lifetime. Maybe I am just afraid to love because of the fear of rejection, of falling for the wrong person. Someone told me before that it should never be termed aas "falling", but instead "growing". Either way, I do not feel comfortable in the said situation. It is just too much for me to handle.

I have played, several times, with the idea of finally meeting someone who would accept me as who I am. No buts, no ifs. I once thought I found that kind of love. After a couple of weeks I learned never to trust someone who says he will be at Puerto Galera. With his family. During Holy Week. If you are gay and Filipino you would know what I am talking about. HINT : The beach will be full of men - in skimpy trunks.

Another relationship, but this time, when I thought he loved me for who I am, I learned I was number 3. Out of 5. Talk about choices.

So now I spend my days at work, drowning myself in stressful reports and ugly people, in hope that I would have enough money to drown myself in alcohol and loud music at the end of the week.

Gay people without experiences often confuse love with lust. I have passed through that phase as well. I would fall in love easily. And fall out of it easily as well. That was a funny time for me. It was something tha I will never forget, but never will come back to.

Falling in love.

Some people think it is the only way to happiness.

I think that's bull.