An Open Letter to the People I Love.

"Can you be in love with someone you haven't seen yet?"

"How far can you go when it comes to loving someone?"

"When will enough be enough?"

"Why me?"

"Why now?"

"Why this?"

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There will always be questions about life. And these questions usually come out only when a heart get broken.

I have always asked myself these questions. And no, I haven't found the answers just yet. If I did I'd probably be a happier person.

These inquiries came out tonight. From people that really mattered to me. And it was so heart breaking that I just had to go away.

I have always avoided bad vibrations. I always believed in finding happiness, in any manner possible, to escape the harshness of reality. People see me as a happy person, someone who would bring light to a darkened room. However, try as I may, I do not always bring the results.

This is an open letter to the people I love. I hope that, when you get to read this, you've has already found what you have been desperately looking for.

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For you, who have been through a terrible heartache:


Time will come when you'll laugh at what you have done. When you come to your senses, you will realize that letting someone go, no matter how you love them, will bring you happiness - eventually. You will find out that you had to go under terrible gloom because of giving up in something that has long been dead. You have tried everything, you have been faithful, you have been generous. You invested too much that leaving seems like a very pathetic thing to do. But you know what's pathetic? It's staying with someone that you have absolutely nothing in common with. It's staying because you think it is a good idea to hang on, hoping that the other person would realize their mistakes. You'll get out of this heartache, sooner or later. You are a strong person.

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For you, who have chosen to think twice about friendship because of your first love:

There is a reason why it has been called first love. It is the time when you learn. It is the first in a long and winding road of happiness and sadness. It is the one thing that you would always cherish. It will be the basis of your future loves. Charlotte York once said the we only get 2 great loves in our lives. I want to make that my mantra. It is true. Because when you first fall in love, you think it is the greatest thing that happened in your life. But the truth is, something else will come. If the universe makes this an exception to the rule, and you stay with your first love forever, then I would be happy for you. But when you start to choose between your lover and your friends, this is a great mistake. This would be the biggest mistake that you can ever do.

Friend, I love you, you know that. I will always be there whenever you would want to have someone to talk to. However, having the idea that you would leave me, just because of someone you have not seen yet, in person, makes me want to stay away, for a while. We will have time to talk.

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To all, loving someone is the greatest thing that could happen to us. And it would even be greater if that someone loves us back.

But it will take great effort and patience to finally find that special someone. Let us just wait and see.

Becks and Cubao, Quezon City - DAY 3

Manila. Day 3.

With Php 1, 500 left in my wallet, I was beginning to wonder how I could live it out here, in Manila. Would I survive? Would I be able to continue living in certain comfort?

I have done that in Baguio - you know - staying up late and waking up even later. At most times I only have a couple hundred in my pocket, and I will survive. But here, in Manila, even walking would cost me at least 20 pesos. And that does not even include the cab fare, tricab fare, and MRT/LRT fare. Kaya pala laging nagrereklamo ang mga masa. They work a lot, but get a very low salary. And they have to face heat and dirt every day of their lives.

Well, I am going to be one of them now. So help me GOD.

I already got accepted at ACS, Advanced Contact Solutions. Well, I am going to start as an IP Relay agent. I really do not know what the f*ck that means, but I bet it would suck. I love the salary they offered me though. Php 23,000. In Manila that would roughly translate to 1 week in expenses.

I hate the thought of leaving Baguio. But hey! It's just a couple of Months. I'll be back come January. :)

Moving On

When Mr. Big finally bought a penthouse apartment for Shoegal, it took Carrie Bradshaw to pack up 20 years of her life in 3 days, 4 nights and 4 friends.

It took me 4 hours to pack 3 years of my life in 3 bag, 2 boxes and 4 crates.

This situation made me ask myself what exactly happened to my life in 3 years right after I decided to live independently.

It made me sad just to think about the possibility of going to Manila for work. What will I pack? How much time will it take for me to fold all my clothes and my stuff? How many bags will I take? How many accomplishments have I made living independently. I have not asked that question for the longest time. And just like Carrie Bradshaw who took risks, I, too, am now on the point of my life when the real questions comes - when will I be successful? When will I finally say that I am a success? Kinda sad isn't it?

I am 25 years old. A quarter of life has just passed and I am still the same old Chaz. Yeah, I have learned a lot, I have been to many places, but as the song goes, I have never really been to me.

Here comes all the questions.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor. I never became one. My father wanted me to be a lawyer. I didn't become that as well. I finished Accountancy, but I never took the exam. I wanted to be a Psychologist, but I have never even finished one year.

What if I became a doctor? Or a lawyer? An accountant perhaps? or a psychologist?

Will my life be the same? Will I meet the same people who make me happy right now? Will I be successful by 25? Or would I have a million by 30?

It is very funny how life is. We have roads to take, and these roads are there for us, ready to be tread on. But when we are there, at the crossroads, we always have a hard time choosing the right path.

And when we finally take that road, and we suddenly realize that we have made the wrong choice, we cannot go back anymore, since we are already a long way from the starting point.

And now I am back to that crossroad. In the midst of it. Looking at 4 roads that I have to take.

What will I choose? What will I do?

In this point in time, I am going to continue asking myself these questions. And I will be doing these until the end of my life.

I guess that is life, right?

Mamabelz and the Birdie

I was online chatting with an old friend, she mentioned that she had a blog, so we exchanged sites. I was browsing through her posts when my name popped out on the screen. I read the post and it was so funny and real at the same time, I had to copy it and paste it in this blog.

Read on:

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parenting 101

at 8:24am (lb time), aj noticed my text message. it was a "good morning!" message from chaz (sent at 6:17am, baguio time) attached to a beautiful photo of himself.

aj: "mama, who is chaz?"

me: "friend ni mama...he's gay..."

aj: "i know... what's that? how did he become like that?..." (confused ang bata sa choice of friends ng nanay niya...)

me: (without thinking answered him) "well, he was born with a woman's mind and heart ... ang kaso may birdie siya..."

aj: "e si tito jude?"

me: "ganun din siya..." (i wanted to explain that there is beauty in diversity and i could further expound on statistics about the bell curve, but then he is only 7. the simpler the better for the both of us...)

aj: "si tito zenos? si tito bum?..." (ennumerating all of my gayfriends...)

i simply nodded.

aj: "how come you dont have guy friends? all of them are gay?... do not mention papa's friends, name me one..."

i wanted to name my guy friends but simply thought not to mention them. for fear that i'd get into a heated jealosy fight with my husband over my having associations with "boys" at 8:45 in the morning (lb time)... I wasn't in the mood. and i know him too well...

hay. i'm just trying to educate those i can have control over, and i can only influence so much. i hope, i do a good job of bringing up boys that think of the bigger picture, without them having to be born with a woman's brain or heart. but rather for me to be able to teach them about trust, empathy, confidence, responsibility, assertion without aggression among others.

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Bravissima MAMABELZ! You can catch mamabelz at http://mamabelz.blogs.friendster.com/its_like_that/
Birdie talaga? LOLz.

Love you Mamabelz!