Realization

Coming to realization

I saw my future

Alone

Unloved

Then like an unexpected surprise

YOU

came along.

I used to think fairy tales do not come true

Now I know

Fairy Tales do exist

In a twisted way

You are my knight in shining armour

You caught be unaware

Not ready to leap, yet I did.

It was a leap of faith

And the greatest and happiest gamble I have ever done

I love you.

And this time I do not have to pretend you love me too.

30 Hours and a Minute

So I was awake for 40 hours this weekend. And when I finally got home I slept like a baby for 12 hours. :)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

So 21 hours before that it was Friday, 3 pm.

FRIDAY 3 PM (Awake for :00 seconds)

I woke up knowing that it was going to be a tiring weekend. I had a lot planned and I was excited to just have fun. Turning the TV on, I watched Kim and her sisters take over Miami. While I was doing so, I was preparing for the first activity after my last last shift for the week.

I left home 2 hours before my shift and managed to stay awake the entire night. I had a lot of things to finish, and I did, with a few more hours to spare in the shift to just relax.

Anyway, I cannot wait for 8:30 am.

____

SATURDAY 8:30 AM (Awake for 16 hours)

So I finally got into the FX that Volts got for the trip to Taytay. I was pretty tired by this time, but at the same time I was looking forward to real relaxation under the sun - or in this case - the cumulonimbus clouds.

____

SATURDAY 10:00 AM (Awake for 18 hours)

Club Manila East, in Taytay, Rizal, is one of the biggest resorts that I have been so far. It was so big, in fact, that I honestly haven't been to it's four corners yet. No need to, though, as the pools are more important than checking on the perimeters of the place.

I was immediately drawn to the kayak pool right in front of our cabana. I wanted to try it before, but I was afraid that the kayak might sink. So this was the perfect opportunity to actually try it out. So I did ride one - and I had fun. I never though kayaking was going to be this fun. It was being independent once again. You see, I haven't been on a boat aside from the one from Burnham Park, so I really had fun.

____

SATURDAY 7:00 PM (Awake for 28 hours and counting)

The kiddie pool in CME proved to be a haven for children. There are numerous fountains and a small slide. And it was the perfect place to catch up on gossip. Kelly, Pinky, Kit, and I were sitting beside the fountain while Kit's daughter, Fiona, was enjoying the water.

This was the first time in a long time that we had time to actually just talk about anything. We belonged to the same team before - Kit was our Team Lead. Kelly became Work Force and Pinky was in Claims. I was promoted to Team Lead and Kit is now my manager. And apparently, Fiona thinks I am nice. At least I think she thinks I am nice. So she now calls me Tito Chaz.

Fiona asked me if I was going to CME next weekend. I was not paying attention so I said yes. I was starting to feel tired.

____

SATURDAY 9:00 PM (30 hours so far)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

I was so tired by this time, though, that when Fiona asked me if I had desks when I was Grade 1 (I have no idea how we got that far into my life), I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the 7 year old pointed out that I fell asleep and demanded that I answer her question. That kid is real funny.

So we had a party to go to, that is why I was waiting for my manager. Via, my friend and former quality coach, had her "24th" birthday, and was having her party at the house of her boyfriend and multimillionaire Jobo* (*name withheld for security purposes).

____

SATURDAY 11:30 PM (22 hours, and 30 minutes awake)

We arrived at Casa De Elitista and we immediately had dinner - lovely barbeque and UBER HOT Chili Pasta. I loved the pasta so much I was planning to bring home some. Unfortunately a few hours later I forgot to ask for some since I was too drunk to even think straight.

The party lasted until the sun was up. Or should I say, the cumulonimbus clouds were up.

____

SUNDAY 6:00 am (29 hours awake)

It was raining cats and dogs and a good friend of Via offered a ride to EDSA. I agreed and together with the Centennial Becky Leo Maurithio and BFF Arlene A, we started the ride back home.

The ride was a memorable one, as in this trip, BFF Alo said she have not tasted NUTRIBUN yet. I would never forget her statement. In gay language, nutribun translates to the male sexual organ. Derived from the Filipino Gay word "Nota", nutribun offers a more graceful term for the commonly used - and most favorite part of the human anatomy - of gay people everywhere. Brava Mama Alo. It was the wonderful cap to the end of my tiresome 30 hours.

_____

SUNDAY 7:00 am

Ahhh... I never missed my bed as much as I did this time. I did not even take a shower. I just lay at my bed and remembered how much fun my weekend started.

_____

SUNDAY 7:01 am (30 hours and 1 minute awake)

I finally slept.

It was a tiring - but fun - start of the weekend.

Can't wait for the long weekend in September.

I wonder what plans would I have by that time. :)

Of The Volcanoes and Amy Winehouse

It has been a year - well, more than a year - from the last time that I wrote down something. It's either my busy schedule or the fact that my life has indeed become so boring that I can't even tell who I am anymore.

Anyway, a lot of shocking things had happened this past few weeks that I cannot help but just say something about it!

First order of business:



The removal of the Philippine Volcanoes billboard at EDSA-Guadalupe because of the complaints from "concerned citizens."

I mean, WHAT THE F!!!! I would not mind passing by Guadalupe on a Friday night or a Saturday Morning or any time - even if there is horrendous traffic at that area almost all the time - if this billboard was still up!

When I heard about the removal of the billboards, the first thing I though was - WHY CANT THEY REMOVE THE BILLBOARDS of almost naked women too?! The overly pathetic Patriarchal mentality of this country just shows that it is OK to let women flaunt around in their underwear, but men need to remain clothed and "respected".

What is wrong with a man wearing underwear for all the world to see? This are strong men who just managed to look good in briefs and balls!

For the "concerned citizens" who wanted the billboards removed - you should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you explain why you wanted the billboards removed? We need an explanation! We NEED the Philippine Volcanoes!!!


Second:




Amy Winehouse's untimely death.

I had dreams of Amy. I wanted to meet her in person!

When one of my bestfriends, Kiko, introduced me to her music, I was instantly hooked. Her voice is completely different from what I have grown up hearing on the radio. I was addicted to her songs. Too bad she only has a few songs under her sleeves. I was looking forward to buying another album from her.

Her life has been under the scrutiny of the public for a long period of time. She had her ups and downs. And she never got out of the God forsaken depression that just dug a bigger hole around her.

Her death at the young age of 27 proves one thing - that no matter how young a person is, fame can get the best of anyone. She never wanted to be famous. She just wanted to sing - her music was her passion. She will be missed.

The Pursuit of Happiness

How far can you go for the pursuit of real happiness?

My friend quoted a line from the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness", about not having a Y in the word itself. It is true, there is no Y in the word.

It is a very powerful statement. It is not just a play in letters. It is the fact that to be real happy, there shouldn't be any "WHYs".

Why should you be happy? Because you have to.

Why aren't there any Y's in the word happiness? Because in order to be happy, you only have to go with the flow.

A friend is having a real difficult time right now, trying to be happy, and actually finding someone to make him happy, only to learn that there might be a little hitch. Seems that not everything perfect seems to be exactly what it is.

I am having an equally difficult task of being the Devil's Advocate, trying to lessen his burden by letting him know what the pros and cons are in this decision that he has to make. I want him to find real happiness, and so far he seems blissful. But it would be all blissful until someone realizes that he should not have gone this far.

What makes me happy, you might ask... It is being able to be myself, without judgment from anyone. Sounds kinda hard to achieve right? Believe me, it is. In fact, I have never felt real happiness for a while.

People think that happiness comes with another person you can call your better half. Others think that true bliss comes from money, and having lots of it. I personally believe that happiness can only be realize when you feel satisfaction.

And right, we can never really be fully satisfied right.

No matter how hard we try, although we would be able to feel real happiness once in a while, it can never be full. It is the fact of life - the pursuit of happiness is never ending. And it continuously changes.

So to my friend, who seeks the answer to his question, I wish you good luck in realizing what you want. Remember, I will always be here to lend you a shoulder. You can count on that.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Any. Younger.

I only spoke this six words twice, three times at most, and every time I say them, the hair at the back of neck stand on end. I am getting older everyday and it's not funny.

A couple of days ago, on our way to SM Makati to buy some things for Fat(slimming)Beki, we passed by an unfamiliar site, something that I have only seen in movies. It was surreal, and although it was so morbid, I knew it was a site worth seeing.

This guy was lying face down in front of the condominium building. He was wearing nice clothes. He looked tall, trim, clean. His shoes where buffed. And he was dead. There was a whole lot of people around the area, just looking around, busybodies who wanted to get a piece of the action. This is real life drama folks. Real life murder - as what I have read after 2 days.

It made me think. This guy was successful. He was at the peak of his life as a bachelor. He almost had everything. Until he lost his life.

Browsing through the gay Social Networking site I have been a member of for years, I saw a profile of someone who professed at being HIV+. In the profile was a link for his blog, which I read. I was amazed, how someone like him could be strong enough to write about something that causes him pain - every day. I admire this person's strength, I would never be that strong.

There was a story about a person who hit his head with a hammer endlessly. He went to the doctor and the doctor asked why he was doing it. "Because it feels so good when I stop doing it."

Life is a bowl of cherries. It has pits.
Life is gambling. You will never know when you would win.
Life is disappointing, but you'll never get what you want if you just stay in the shadows.

I am going to live my life - even if it means that I am actually older than 25. :)

First Time

Your lips touched my cheek.

My world turned.

Lips then touched mine.

I want this.

I have never felt this way before.

Minor?!

Saturday morning, after work:

Buying a pack of death sticks, the old man asked how old I was.

Stunned, I was not able to reply to his question.

Then, he asked again.

"Ilang taon ka na?"

Desperately salivating over a stick of menthols, I woke up and realized the man thought I was a minor.

"27." I replied.

Charot man o hindi, he made my day.

Sarap maging minor. HAHAHA.

Shut Up and Drink Your Slimming Tea

God, can you make them stop???

A couple of days ago, the maintenance guys working at the building I was living at started to clean the pool that was left abandoned for the longest time. I haven't seen a drop of clean, chlorinated water in the pool since I have moved in, just garbage and rainwater that fills it up halfway.

"Gee," I wondered, maybe they just wanted to make everything shiny and new. I

was starting to think about my pool outfit.

Then, just yesterday, guys started bringing in big kleig lights. Were they having a photo shoot? A movie shoot?

Waking up last night, I saw that the entire pool was painted in graffiti. It was a commercial. And when I started fantasizing about actually being discovered as a commercial model and eventually starring along side my beloved Piolo Pascual, I realized it was a commercial for a slimming drink.

The words "L-CARNATINE" were painted all over one wall.

And so my dreams crumbled, and I cannot sleep because the actors cannot get their act right. The director kept on shouting "Retake!!!". Hay...

Can someone please, make them stop... :(

Prince Charming

The challenge is to keep yourself from falling.

"But no matter how hard you try not to, eventually, you are going to fall in love. So you have to go with the flow. Let the current take you wherever it goes. Sooner or later it would come back to where it originated."

It is a tried and tested method. For those who are asking what the hell I am talking about, let me tell you a short story about this lovely young lad that we are to call Leo.

♥♥♥

For years he has been searching for the true love's kiss. Fueled by Giselle's captivating song, about meeting Prince Charming, he has searched high and low for that special someone that will knock him off his feet. And no matter how many times he got hurt, he kept on searching for love. Until that one fateful night when Prince Charming indeed came, but with another prince in tow.

His heart, bleeding like the waterfall near their town, finally gave up. He knew he was never to fall in love again.

One day, after months of having senseless sexual affiliations with numerous lads around the glen, an old wise wizard came.

The wizard was bedazzled by the youth's uncanny beauty.

"I would like to love you," the wizard said.

"You can't," Leo said. "I cannot- and will never- fall in love ever again."

The wizard frowned, knowing he can never have the young lad, but being wise, gave him a few words of advise.

"Do not dwell in being alone for a long period of time. I have been there, and now that I would love to fall in love again, I am already irrevocably cynical about love," he said.

"I am happy where I am. At least I wouldn't be hurt anymore."

"Are you afraid to fall in love again?" the wizard asked.

"Yes." the young lad said.

"It is a challenge to keep yourself from falling in love with someone that makes you happy, especially if you see a lot of things about him that makes you come back for more."

Leo faced the wizard and cried, knowing that it is true.

"But no matter how hard you try not to, eventually, you are going to fall in love. So you have to go with the flow. Let the current take you wherever it goes. Sooner or later it would come back to where it originated."

With the final statement, the old wise wizard stood up and continued walking.

Leo was left alone, knowing what to do, and admitting that he is just afraid to fall in love again, he started to search again for his Prince Charming.

♥♥♥

Blah blah blah

It has been such a long time since the last time I got to write something. And guess what? Even while I am typing, I am actually having second thoughts in finishing this blog entry.

My life has been such a rollercoaster this past few weeks. There would be times when I would be so happy. Then there would be times when I am so down it would take more than just a joke to bring me back to life. But hey, we have to move forward, right?

Honestly, I have been thinking about life, in it's entirety. I am not getting any younger, and though I know that I have more up my sleeves, I am starting to give up. I am starting to think that this is where I'll end up in a few more years, alone and broke, living everyday until the next day - I more than pessimistic. I am a disaster.

Seeing other people around me happy always made me happy. But now, bitterness has surged into my veins like an awful poison, destroying the precious nerves that makes me feel. I am now numb from everything. Not even Kris Aquino's tears make me cry anymore - nor laugh.

What is happening to me? The mere question brings me to a boil, angry at the world that does not seem to care at all, whatever happens to me. I could drop dead in the middle of Ayala and everyone else would be walking past me, not knowing my name, not a care in the world.

Maybe, just maybe, there would be a time when this ramblings would end, but for now, when the rest of the world rests their weary feet, I continue walking. I think, if I would continue walking, life would just slip by, and maybe I would reach the end of my journey.

See, I can't even think of a better title for this entry. Hay buhay.