An Open Letter to the People I Love.

"Can you be in love with someone you haven't seen yet?"

"How far can you go when it comes to loving someone?"

"When will enough be enough?"

"Why me?"

"Why now?"

"Why this?"

______________________

There will always be questions about life. And these questions usually come out only when a heart get broken.

I have always asked myself these questions. And no, I haven't found the answers just yet. If I did I'd probably be a happier person.

These inquiries came out tonight. From people that really mattered to me. And it was so heart breaking that I just had to go away.

I have always avoided bad vibrations. I always believed in finding happiness, in any manner possible, to escape the harshness of reality. People see me as a happy person, someone who would bring light to a darkened room. However, try as I may, I do not always bring the results.

This is an open letter to the people I love. I hope that, when you get to read this, you've has already found what you have been desperately looking for.

_____________________

For you, who have been through a terrible heartache:


Time will come when you'll laugh at what you have done. When you come to your senses, you will realize that letting someone go, no matter how you love them, will bring you happiness - eventually. You will find out that you had to go under terrible gloom because of giving up in something that has long been dead. You have tried everything, you have been faithful, you have been generous. You invested too much that leaving seems like a very pathetic thing to do. But you know what's pathetic? It's staying with someone that you have absolutely nothing in common with. It's staying because you think it is a good idea to hang on, hoping that the other person would realize their mistakes. You'll get out of this heartache, sooner or later. You are a strong person.

___________________

For you, who have chosen to think twice about friendship because of your first love:

There is a reason why it has been called first love. It is the time when you learn. It is the first in a long and winding road of happiness and sadness. It is the one thing that you would always cherish. It will be the basis of your future loves. Charlotte York once said the we only get 2 great loves in our lives. I want to make that my mantra. It is true. Because when you first fall in love, you think it is the greatest thing that happened in your life. But the truth is, something else will come. If the universe makes this an exception to the rule, and you stay with your first love forever, then I would be happy for you. But when you start to choose between your lover and your friends, this is a great mistake. This would be the biggest mistake that you can ever do.

Friend, I love you, you know that. I will always be there whenever you would want to have someone to talk to. However, having the idea that you would leave me, just because of someone you have not seen yet, in person, makes me want to stay away, for a while. We will have time to talk.

___________________

To all, loving someone is the greatest thing that could happen to us. And it would even be greater if that someone loves us back.

But it will take great effort and patience to finally find that special someone. Let us just wait and see.

Becks and Cubao, Quezon City - DAY 3

Manila. Day 3.

With Php 1, 500 left in my wallet, I was beginning to wonder how I could live it out here, in Manila. Would I survive? Would I be able to continue living in certain comfort?

I have done that in Baguio - you know - staying up late and waking up even later. At most times I only have a couple hundred in my pocket, and I will survive. But here, in Manila, even walking would cost me at least 20 pesos. And that does not even include the cab fare, tricab fare, and MRT/LRT fare. Kaya pala laging nagrereklamo ang mga masa. They work a lot, but get a very low salary. And they have to face heat and dirt every day of their lives.

Well, I am going to be one of them now. So help me GOD.

I already got accepted at ACS, Advanced Contact Solutions. Well, I am going to start as an IP Relay agent. I really do not know what the f*ck that means, but I bet it would suck. I love the salary they offered me though. Php 23,000. In Manila that would roughly translate to 1 week in expenses.

I hate the thought of leaving Baguio. But hey! It's just a couple of Months. I'll be back come January. :)

Moving On

When Mr. Big finally bought a penthouse apartment for Shoegal, it took Carrie Bradshaw to pack up 20 years of her life in 3 days, 4 nights and 4 friends.

It took me 4 hours to pack 3 years of my life in 3 bag, 2 boxes and 4 crates.

This situation made me ask myself what exactly happened to my life in 3 years right after I decided to live independently.

It made me sad just to think about the possibility of going to Manila for work. What will I pack? How much time will it take for me to fold all my clothes and my stuff? How many bags will I take? How many accomplishments have I made living independently. I have not asked that question for the longest time. And just like Carrie Bradshaw who took risks, I, too, am now on the point of my life when the real questions comes - when will I be successful? When will I finally say that I am a success? Kinda sad isn't it?

I am 25 years old. A quarter of life has just passed and I am still the same old Chaz. Yeah, I have learned a lot, I have been to many places, but as the song goes, I have never really been to me.

Here comes all the questions.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor. I never became one. My father wanted me to be a lawyer. I didn't become that as well. I finished Accountancy, but I never took the exam. I wanted to be a Psychologist, but I have never even finished one year.

What if I became a doctor? Or a lawyer? An accountant perhaps? or a psychologist?

Will my life be the same? Will I meet the same people who make me happy right now? Will I be successful by 25? Or would I have a million by 30?

It is very funny how life is. We have roads to take, and these roads are there for us, ready to be tread on. But when we are there, at the crossroads, we always have a hard time choosing the right path.

And when we finally take that road, and we suddenly realize that we have made the wrong choice, we cannot go back anymore, since we are already a long way from the starting point.

And now I am back to that crossroad. In the midst of it. Looking at 4 roads that I have to take.

What will I choose? What will I do?

In this point in time, I am going to continue asking myself these questions. And I will be doing these until the end of my life.

I guess that is life, right?

Mamabelz and the Birdie

I was online chatting with an old friend, she mentioned that she had a blog, so we exchanged sites. I was browsing through her posts when my name popped out on the screen. I read the post and it was so funny and real at the same time, I had to copy it and paste it in this blog.

Read on:

__________________________

parenting 101

at 8:24am (lb time), aj noticed my text message. it was a "good morning!" message from chaz (sent at 6:17am, baguio time) attached to a beautiful photo of himself.

aj: "mama, who is chaz?"

me: "friend ni mama...he's gay..."

aj: "i know... what's that? how did he become like that?..." (confused ang bata sa choice of friends ng nanay niya...)

me: (without thinking answered him) "well, he was born with a woman's mind and heart ... ang kaso may birdie siya..."

aj: "e si tito jude?"

me: "ganun din siya..." (i wanted to explain that there is beauty in diversity and i could further expound on statistics about the bell curve, but then he is only 7. the simpler the better for the both of us...)

aj: "si tito zenos? si tito bum?..." (ennumerating all of my gayfriends...)

i simply nodded.

aj: "how come you dont have guy friends? all of them are gay?... do not mention papa's friends, name me one..."

i wanted to name my guy friends but simply thought not to mention them. for fear that i'd get into a heated jealosy fight with my husband over my having associations with "boys" at 8:45 in the morning (lb time)... I wasn't in the mood. and i know him too well...

hay. i'm just trying to educate those i can have control over, and i can only influence so much. i hope, i do a good job of bringing up boys that think of the bigger picture, without them having to be born with a woman's brain or heart. but rather for me to be able to teach them about trust, empathy, confidence, responsibility, assertion without aggression among others.

_____________________________

Bravissima MAMABELZ! You can catch mamabelz at http://mamabelz.blogs.friendster.com/its_like_that/
Birdie talaga? LOLz.

Love you Mamabelz!

The Heart of the Matter

"An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?"

There I was, watching the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. Then this song cues in. It touched my heart.

I thought of you.

And here I am, sitting alone in a n internet shop, looking for words to describe how I feel right.

You said you found someone. That was weeks ago. And it dawned on me, just now, that I still love you. I lost myself in you. For one whole year. Without any assurance of love to come. You did say you love me, on countless occasions. And though there was no clear cut line on the borderline to friendship and love, I remained by your side.

"I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

When I decided to let go of you, I started living my life alone - again - after a long time. Then I would sometimes remember the times we were together. Do you remember the time we were at Camp John Hay? Just you and me? Parked somewhere at dawn, just talking about each other? That was the first time I knew I liked you. Then like grew to love. Then I was stuck. Stuck at loving you. I have been trying to ask myself why I fell for you. Then I had the answer. It was you. You were the very reason I fell in love. And I hate it that I fell in love at the wrong time.

I have to learn again. Slowly let go of my feelings for you. The fact is, I haven't really let you go. Now I really have to.

"I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

I want to really move on. And the only way to get over you is to accept the fact that I will never have you.

I have to forgive myself and continue living my life - alone.

I will scatter the ashes of the love I had for you, together with the memories that I have with you.

Just one last thing before I go:

The Heart of the Matter is, you will always be my One, True, Love.

Pack Rat

I recently had to go back home and live there, leaving my pretty boring independent lifestyle to take care of the house and my brother as my mom slaves in Europe and my dad recovers from "exhaustion". I can't believe that I am back in my own blue room. In fact, even though I thought I wouldn't, I really missed it.

2 years of moving from one apartment to another made me collect some stuff, and while I was packing my things, ready to go home, I realized that I had collected a lot of things, and some of them served as reminder of the tumultuous 2 years that I lived alone.

Empty water cups, signed by a pretty barista in Hacienda Luisita. A receipt of lunch I shared with a special someone. Pictures of lost friends, notes from work. And with a plastic beside me, I sorted my 2 years of independent existence into groups. Things that make me smile, and things that make me sad. I salvaged at least 2 objects that reminded me of happy days. The rest was thrown away.

I have always been a pack rat. I save reminders of special occasions. I even keep memorabilia from events that caused deep heartache and sadness for me.

It took me a week to unpack. And as my 2 years of independent life unfolded before me, I can't help but wonder if my life would still be the same if my dad didn't kick me out just because I was gay.

Would I meet the friends I love so dear? Would I be the person I am today?

I cleaned out my old room and when I opened my dresser, I smiled. There they were, old smut magazines from High School. I used to buy them every week, at Php 15. I kept them under my bed before, in case my dad snoped around.

I opened a few pages and I laughed. If I had known that I would be the person I am before, I wouldn't have bought those smutty magazines.

I guess that is life. It would take you just one object to remind you that you have gone through a lot of changes.

Then it would take just a couple of seconds to decide if you have changed into a better person - or have chosen the darker path of life.

With that in mind, I can only say that if I was given the chance to go back in time and be in high school again, i would still buy those magazines - even if I knew I would be who I am in the future.

Holy Week

It is the Holy Week and when other people frolic on the beach, I stay here, on my mountain, looking for ways to avoid boredom and remain sane. I have always wondered how spending the Holy Week would be, working up a tan and drowning my angst on the clear, turquoise waters. Maybe next year.

Now that the dreaded Panagbenga season is over, I am quite disappointed that I still see a lot of people that do not really have to be here. In fairness, there are a lot of cute hunks. But other than the eye candy strewn all over Session, I'd still want to walk around town without the heavy traffic jam and annoying tourists. Maybe it is about time they created an official Cordilleran ID. If you don't have one then ride the next bus off to wherever you were from. That wouldn't happen though. Baguio City happens to be the Summer Capital of the Philippines. It still is even though the streets are dirty, the fog has been replaced with early morning smog, and the city smells like Kimchi.

Maybe the City Government needs a wake up call.

When I was a child, I was brought up knowing that Holy Week was to commemorate the death of Christ. Now, I believe it is time for everyone to remember why they are still alive - a time for reflection. I did that this morning. Then I woke up realizing that I fell asleep while thinking about my life. I live a pretty normal life - work, friends and sex makes me preoccupied (funny how Jesus and sex have been used in a paragraph). Yeah, pretty normal - and BORING - if you ask me...

Just a couple more days and it would be April. Wow. Talk about time flying by so fast. I can vividly remember how I spent the New Year. Wouldn't do that next year.

Anyway, it is one in the morning Manila time, and I need to catch up on some zzz's. Last day of my leave, will be going back to work tomorrow.

Au revoir for now!

Promiscuous

What is promiscuity?

Here is a definition of the word promiscuous from Merriam Webster:

promiscuous

Main Entry:

pro·mis·cu·ous

Pronunciation:

\prə-ˈmis-kyə-wəs\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Latin promiscuus, from pro- forth + miscēre to mix — more at pro-, mix

Date:

1601

1 : composed of all sorts of persons or things 2 : not restricted to one class, sort, or person : indiscriminate promiscuous distribution of diplomas — Norman Cousins> 3 : not restricted to one sexual partner 4 : casual, irregular <promiscuous eating habits>

From the root word of promiscuity, I realized that I am, indeed, a promiscuous person. But that does not change who I really am.

I had a lot of relationships before. But unlike others, I treasured each one of them. Each time I find someone to love, my whole world stops. Like a car losing control while you are driving 100 kph at the edge of a cliff.

My heart stops, completely, and I give in.

BUT - when I am not involved with anyone, I lose control. Thus the description PROMISCUOUS.

Am I a B*tch? Definitely. There is no denying that that word is a perfect definition for me. I do not care what others may say or feel. But I am. And in a very weird and fascinating way, I love b*tching around.

I have been a saint before. Now I ain't all that. What's funny is that I think SEX is just SEX! No amount of love should be involved. Of course, this is just my opinion. That is why I do not really care what other people think.

I am what I am. And what I am is a special creation.

I am my own religion.

I love myself.

I am promiscuous.

Why Not?

Christmas came and went, and I never really found the need to tell everyone how it went. So in case you are wondering where I spent my Christmas, let's just say I celebrated it in my own way. I attended parties left and right, just to get me through the season. I am sure glad that is over.

2008 is a very promising year for me. This year I think I will fulfill some of my dreams. Maybe this year I would get to ride a plane. Maybe I would experience riding a boat to somewhere like Palawan. Maybe. But I am sure I will not be stuck on top of this mountain. It is time for me to go where I want to go. Life is starting to get a bit boring.

Stress has always been part of my vocabulary since I have started working in the Contact Center business. So I guess I have accepted it as part of my daily existence. What I am having a hard time, though, are people who think they are better than everyone else. I understand, I think I am better than some people. But not to the point of actually being a "know it all". Close friends in the office know who I am talking about. And since that person does not have any social life, much more a connection to the outside world via Internet, I guess it would be safe to assume that that person wouldn't know how I loathe "it".

I am not a hater. As much as possible I make sure that I have good relations with everyone. What makes me really hate some people is when they are pretentious. I hate that. I have never been pretentious in my entire life. I would tell everyone about what I feel, no matter what consequences this may bring to me.

I used to love going to work. It was my haven when I want to get away from the real world. But now every time I sit in front of my workstation, I realize that there is more for me out there. I have been trying to think hard about not resigning, but now that I have come to the point where just the thought of work makes me stressed, I am beginning to think otherwise.

I want to be someone else, someone who is seen by others as a free spirit. I have been that before. I want to be that again.

This year will definitely bring a lot of changes for me. I am now fully aware that I have no savings, and that I need a huge amount of moolah to get me out of that hellhole. I managed before. I can manage now.

I am just scared that I may not be able to follow through. I have read my journals before and realized that some of my plans have not even materialized. It is definitely time to come out of my cocoon, and, as what the Buenavista family say, "put my first footstep in the moon".

There is always something beyond the dark skies.

And, as the saying goes, "WHY NOT?"

Horrible Holiday

It's just a couple of days till December. And it has actually started to get cold as hell outside. I hate the holidays. I just hate it. Whenever I tell someone that I hate Christmas, they go blank (the kind where it's just dead silent and you can hear crickets). They ask me why I hate it that much and I just do not have the strength to explain everything to them. It just boils down to one thing.

I hate being alone on Christmas.

Since I was a child, I never had a real family to spend Christmas with. With my mom abroad and my dad going loco, I never enjoyed Family gatherings. Yup, my brother would say he feels the same crappy way too.

Aside from having no real family to spend the holidays with, I also have never experienced having a lover during the holidays. The last time I had a Christmas relationship, it turned to be just that - a Holiday fling. Nobody goes "ho-ho-ho" in a post Holiday break up. :(

I think that would answer all their questions.

I love Christmas songs though. They somewhat make me long for that one simple kiss that ends the day after a cup of hot cocoa by the fireplace. I love the cold because I feel very comfortable under a nice toasty comforter. Sigh. Now I am feeling nauseous and depressed.