Bull

Falling in love.

Some say it is the essance of living in this world. Others disagree, saying they don't need love to live. I, honestly, do not know what side I am on. I mean, I can live without someone to actually love. But every morning, everytime my head hits the pillow, I wonder when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet.

Damn, just like a child fantasizing about their wedding day, I fantasize about meeting someone and clicking with that person - out of the blue, like in a bookstore or a coffee shop. But, unlike children, who harbor that innate hope that someday dreams would come true, I always put this fantasies aside and remember that I am in the real world. No happy ever afters, no wedding cakes, no wedding gowns. For me at least. For a person like me.

I have always dreaded falling in love. I hate the feeling of falling for someone. Maybe I had too many heartbreaks to last a lifetime. Maybe I am just afraid to love because of the fear of rejection, of falling for the wrong person. Someone told me before that it should never be termed aas "falling", but instead "growing". Either way, I do not feel comfortable in the said situation. It is just too much for me to handle.

I have played, several times, with the idea of finally meeting someone who would accept me as who I am. No buts, no ifs. I once thought I found that kind of love. After a couple of weeks I learned never to trust someone who says he will be at Puerto Galera. With his family. During Holy Week. If you are gay and Filipino you would know what I am talking about. HINT : The beach will be full of men - in skimpy trunks.

Another relationship, but this time, when I thought he loved me for who I am, I learned I was number 3. Out of 5. Talk about choices.

So now I spend my days at work, drowning myself in stressful reports and ugly people, in hope that I would have enough money to drown myself in alcohol and loud music at the end of the week.

Gay people without experiences often confuse love with lust. I have passed through that phase as well. I would fall in love easily. And fall out of it easily as well. That was a funny time for me. It was something tha I will never forget, but never will come back to.

Falling in love.

Some people think it is the only way to happiness.

I think that's bull.

Spicy Patar - The Beach

The sand felt so good between my toes.

It didn't really matter if it was warm, or if I was hungry. I just wanted to savor the cool breeze, and feel myself tan under the hot sun.

The beach was blue green, unlike the muddy brackish sea water at the other beaches I have been too (except Pagudpod).

The wind was strong enough to carry our sarongs away, so I held on to mine.

There was a small stream beside the beach, and at the estuary ( I learned a new word today) - where the river water and the sea water mix, was the clearest and cleanest water I have seen.

Spicy Patar - The Journey to Paradise

Hidden Paradise.

I have heard these words so many times before. And I have been fooled many times over. The promise of a stress-free environment has long eluded me, until now.

Di Anne and Van - two of my close friends - and I have been planning to go on a road trip somewhere. It would be just us, in a refreshing and stress-free weekend away from the busy and haggard call center life.

Di Anne suggested that we go to their place, at Bolinao. I have heard so much about the place before - the pristine beaches, the overpriced resorts, and the long trip to that place. Being a fan of road trips, I immediately agreed to join them in a journey to Paradise.

It was Friday afternoon when we started the trip. Van brought along her yummy boyfriend, Joel. It was in his car that we started the exciting road trip.

Going down to Dagupan was a breeze. It was after Dagupan that we started wondering where the hell were we going. Di Anne promised that she remembered the way to Bolinao. We got lost around 3 times. Eventually, we were able to get directions straight, so after a couple of left and right turns, we were back in track.

Travelling is often tiresome. We were hungry, and we wanted to rest our sore bums. We started talking about oysters, and how delicious it would be to cook some Rockefeller oysters, the kind with cheese on top - recipe courtesy of April Dawn De Asis.

We were still in the car, talking about food, when we entered the shortcut to Alaminos. Di Anne mentioned the carps (hito) at Alaminos were yummy, so we stopped at the first restaurant we saw and ordered some fish. After filling our tummies with the grilled slimy fish, we realized that we have not taken any pictures of it yet. So I took my handy cellphone and snapped a pic of what was left of our early dinner.

Next stop, Sual, with a breathtaking view of the South China Sea. We only got to take a few pics with a good backgound, but I would always remember the breathtaking view and fresh breeze. Van even managed to crack a joke, saying she wanted to have a place of her own in the place, and perhaps call it "Sual-salan." Leave it to Van to make sexual innuendos.

Overlooking the Sual Harbor

After more than an hour, we arrived at our destination, Bolinao. We stayed at Di Anne's family's place, and waited until morning to see what we went to Bolinao for - the pristine White Beach of Patar.

Morning came and we had to leave early for the market. At the market place we saw so many seafood, I was salivating over the fresh crabs, tuna, squid and fish of all kind.

The road trip to the beach was fun, we were all excited, like children going to school for the first time. We even stopped at the famously expensive resorts along the way, thinking that it was a nice way to fool people who would ask were we stayed at Bolinao. We can afford them, but we'd rather stick to the budget.

A couple more minutes and we were gazing at the tallest structure we have seen since the start of the trip - the second oldest Light house in the entire Philippines. I do not know what it was named, but the view there was spectacular. The breeze was cool. The climate was fine. It was a good day to take pictures. The lighting was superb.


Di Anne's newest favorite photo at the Lighthouse View Deck

Taking advantage of the superb lighting and view at the Lighthouse View Deck

The second oldest Lighthouse in the Philippines

The beach itself was just 5 minutes away from the lighthouse. It was a public beach, so I did not expect anything fancy.

I put on my sunglasses, and stepped into the white sands of Patar Beach.

I was amazed. For the first time in a very long time, I knew I have seen Paradise.


to be continued...

Good News, Bad News.

"First the bad news," she said, smiling till her cheeks hurt.

I thought it was really bad news. For the person she was talking to, it wasn't. For me, it was. I just wanted to place both of my hands on her neck and wring the life out of her. But hey, wouldn't do it. Couldn't do it.

And I thought it was the end of the world for the guy. He looked so concerned, with eyes piercing into the lady's soul, trying to find out what the secret was about.

She blurted both the bad and the good news in one sentence.

I wanted to end my life then and there.

I mean, I work hard for this company. I really do. They said my efforts would be recognized. WHEN? I want to get out of this hellhole, if not for the fact that I badly need every cent that I get from this place.

Bills to pay, food to purchase. Things I have to think about as the head of the household.

But yet, I really want to break FREE!!

Good news for my colleague turned out to be Bad news for me. Oh well, back to the drawing board...

An Open Letter to the People I Love.

"Can you be in love with someone you haven't seen yet?"

"How far can you go when it comes to loving someone?"

"When will enough be enough?"

"Why me?"

"Why now?"

"Why this?"

______________________

There will always be questions about life. And these questions usually come out only when a heart get broken.

I have always asked myself these questions. And no, I haven't found the answers just yet. If I did I'd probably be a happier person.

These inquiries came out tonight. From people that really mattered to me. And it was so heart breaking that I just had to go away.

I have always avoided bad vibrations. I always believed in finding happiness, in any manner possible, to escape the harshness of reality. People see me as a happy person, someone who would bring light to a darkened room. However, try as I may, I do not always bring the results.

This is an open letter to the people I love. I hope that, when you get to read this, you've has already found what you have been desperately looking for.

_____________________

For you, who have been through a terrible heartache:


Time will come when you'll laugh at what you have done. When you come to your senses, you will realize that letting someone go, no matter how you love them, will bring you happiness - eventually. You will find out that you had to go under terrible gloom because of giving up in something that has long been dead. You have tried everything, you have been faithful, you have been generous. You invested too much that leaving seems like a very pathetic thing to do. But you know what's pathetic? It's staying with someone that you have absolutely nothing in common with. It's staying because you think it is a good idea to hang on, hoping that the other person would realize their mistakes. You'll get out of this heartache, sooner or later. You are a strong person.

___________________

For you, who have chosen to think twice about friendship because of your first love:

There is a reason why it has been called first love. It is the time when you learn. It is the first in a long and winding road of happiness and sadness. It is the one thing that you would always cherish. It will be the basis of your future loves. Charlotte York once said the we only get 2 great loves in our lives. I want to make that my mantra. It is true. Because when you first fall in love, you think it is the greatest thing that happened in your life. But the truth is, something else will come. If the universe makes this an exception to the rule, and you stay with your first love forever, then I would be happy for you. But when you start to choose between your lover and your friends, this is a great mistake. This would be the biggest mistake that you can ever do.

Friend, I love you, you know that. I will always be there whenever you would want to have someone to talk to. However, having the idea that you would leave me, just because of someone you have not seen yet, in person, makes me want to stay away, for a while. We will have time to talk.

___________________

To all, loving someone is the greatest thing that could happen to us. And it would even be greater if that someone loves us back.

But it will take great effort and patience to finally find that special someone. Let us just wait and see.

Becks and Cubao, Quezon City - DAY 3

Manila. Day 3.

With Php 1, 500 left in my wallet, I was beginning to wonder how I could live it out here, in Manila. Would I survive? Would I be able to continue living in certain comfort?

I have done that in Baguio - you know - staying up late and waking up even later. At most times I only have a couple hundred in my pocket, and I will survive. But here, in Manila, even walking would cost me at least 20 pesos. And that does not even include the cab fare, tricab fare, and MRT/LRT fare. Kaya pala laging nagrereklamo ang mga masa. They work a lot, but get a very low salary. And they have to face heat and dirt every day of their lives.

Well, I am going to be one of them now. So help me GOD.

I already got accepted at ACS, Advanced Contact Solutions. Well, I am going to start as an IP Relay agent. I really do not know what the f*ck that means, but I bet it would suck. I love the salary they offered me though. Php 23,000. In Manila that would roughly translate to 1 week in expenses.

I hate the thought of leaving Baguio. But hey! It's just a couple of Months. I'll be back come January. :)

Moving On

When Mr. Big finally bought a penthouse apartment for Shoegal, it took Carrie Bradshaw to pack up 20 years of her life in 3 days, 4 nights and 4 friends.

It took me 4 hours to pack 3 years of my life in 3 bag, 2 boxes and 4 crates.

This situation made me ask myself what exactly happened to my life in 3 years right after I decided to live independently.

It made me sad just to think about the possibility of going to Manila for work. What will I pack? How much time will it take for me to fold all my clothes and my stuff? How many bags will I take? How many accomplishments have I made living independently. I have not asked that question for the longest time. And just like Carrie Bradshaw who took risks, I, too, am now on the point of my life when the real questions comes - when will I be successful? When will I finally say that I am a success? Kinda sad isn't it?

I am 25 years old. A quarter of life has just passed and I am still the same old Chaz. Yeah, I have learned a lot, I have been to many places, but as the song goes, I have never really been to me.

Here comes all the questions.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor. I never became one. My father wanted me to be a lawyer. I didn't become that as well. I finished Accountancy, but I never took the exam. I wanted to be a Psychologist, but I have never even finished one year.

What if I became a doctor? Or a lawyer? An accountant perhaps? or a psychologist?

Will my life be the same? Will I meet the same people who make me happy right now? Will I be successful by 25? Or would I have a million by 30?

It is very funny how life is. We have roads to take, and these roads are there for us, ready to be tread on. But when we are there, at the crossroads, we always have a hard time choosing the right path.

And when we finally take that road, and we suddenly realize that we have made the wrong choice, we cannot go back anymore, since we are already a long way from the starting point.

And now I am back to that crossroad. In the midst of it. Looking at 4 roads that I have to take.

What will I choose? What will I do?

In this point in time, I am going to continue asking myself these questions. And I will be doing these until the end of my life.

I guess that is life, right?

Mamabelz and the Birdie

I was online chatting with an old friend, she mentioned that she had a blog, so we exchanged sites. I was browsing through her posts when my name popped out on the screen. I read the post and it was so funny and real at the same time, I had to copy it and paste it in this blog.

Read on:

__________________________

parenting 101

at 8:24am (lb time), aj noticed my text message. it was a "good morning!" message from chaz (sent at 6:17am, baguio time) attached to a beautiful photo of himself.

aj: "mama, who is chaz?"

me: "friend ni mama...he's gay..."

aj: "i know... what's that? how did he become like that?..." (confused ang bata sa choice of friends ng nanay niya...)

me: (without thinking answered him) "well, he was born with a woman's mind and heart ... ang kaso may birdie siya..."

aj: "e si tito jude?"

me: "ganun din siya..." (i wanted to explain that there is beauty in diversity and i could further expound on statistics about the bell curve, but then he is only 7. the simpler the better for the both of us...)

aj: "si tito zenos? si tito bum?..." (ennumerating all of my gayfriends...)

i simply nodded.

aj: "how come you dont have guy friends? all of them are gay?... do not mention papa's friends, name me one..."

i wanted to name my guy friends but simply thought not to mention them. for fear that i'd get into a heated jealosy fight with my husband over my having associations with "boys" at 8:45 in the morning (lb time)... I wasn't in the mood. and i know him too well...

hay. i'm just trying to educate those i can have control over, and i can only influence so much. i hope, i do a good job of bringing up boys that think of the bigger picture, without them having to be born with a woman's brain or heart. but rather for me to be able to teach them about trust, empathy, confidence, responsibility, assertion without aggression among others.

_____________________________

Bravissima MAMABELZ! You can catch mamabelz at http://mamabelz.blogs.friendster.com/its_like_that/
Birdie talaga? LOLz.

Love you Mamabelz!

The Heart of the Matter

"An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?"

There I was, watching the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. Then this song cues in. It touched my heart.

I thought of you.

And here I am, sitting alone in a n internet shop, looking for words to describe how I feel right.

You said you found someone. That was weeks ago. And it dawned on me, just now, that I still love you. I lost myself in you. For one whole year. Without any assurance of love to come. You did say you love me, on countless occasions. And though there was no clear cut line on the borderline to friendship and love, I remained by your side.

"I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

When I decided to let go of you, I started living my life alone - again - after a long time. Then I would sometimes remember the times we were together. Do you remember the time we were at Camp John Hay? Just you and me? Parked somewhere at dawn, just talking about each other? That was the first time I knew I liked you. Then like grew to love. Then I was stuck. Stuck at loving you. I have been trying to ask myself why I fell for you. Then I had the answer. It was you. You were the very reason I fell in love. And I hate it that I fell in love at the wrong time.

I have to learn again. Slowly let go of my feelings for you. The fact is, I haven't really let you go. Now I really have to.

"I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

I want to really move on. And the only way to get over you is to accept the fact that I will never have you.

I have to forgive myself and continue living my life - alone.

I will scatter the ashes of the love I had for you, together with the memories that I have with you.

Just one last thing before I go:

The Heart of the Matter is, you will always be my One, True, Love.

Pack Rat

I recently had to go back home and live there, leaving my pretty boring independent lifestyle to take care of the house and my brother as my mom slaves in Europe and my dad recovers from "exhaustion". I can't believe that I am back in my own blue room. In fact, even though I thought I wouldn't, I really missed it.

2 years of moving from one apartment to another made me collect some stuff, and while I was packing my things, ready to go home, I realized that I had collected a lot of things, and some of them served as reminder of the tumultuous 2 years that I lived alone.

Empty water cups, signed by a pretty barista in Hacienda Luisita. A receipt of lunch I shared with a special someone. Pictures of lost friends, notes from work. And with a plastic beside me, I sorted my 2 years of independent existence into groups. Things that make me smile, and things that make me sad. I salvaged at least 2 objects that reminded me of happy days. The rest was thrown away.

I have always been a pack rat. I save reminders of special occasions. I even keep memorabilia from events that caused deep heartache and sadness for me.

It took me a week to unpack. And as my 2 years of independent life unfolded before me, I can't help but wonder if my life would still be the same if my dad didn't kick me out just because I was gay.

Would I meet the friends I love so dear? Would I be the person I am today?

I cleaned out my old room and when I opened my dresser, I smiled. There they were, old smut magazines from High School. I used to buy them every week, at Php 15. I kept them under my bed before, in case my dad snoped around.

I opened a few pages and I laughed. If I had known that I would be the person I am before, I wouldn't have bought those smutty magazines.

I guess that is life. It would take you just one object to remind you that you have gone through a lot of changes.

Then it would take just a couple of seconds to decide if you have changed into a better person - or have chosen the darker path of life.

With that in mind, I can only say that if I was given the chance to go back in time and be in high school again, i would still buy those magazines - even if I knew I would be who I am in the future.