For Ben

It was one fateful July night. Or was it June? I can't remember. What I remembered was that you approached me and asked me where to get a nose ring - just like mine.

The nose ring was faux, I didn't even have a nose piercing. I just wanted to make a statement. And you noticed. I was touched.

Just like previous encounters, I forgot about you. Until you came back.

It was almost a year after that fateful encounter. You came back and you had to remind me how we met. I didn't remember, but I pretened I did. What I remembered was that I was wearing that fabulous faux nose ring. And that for one night, I was happier than usual, dancing on top of the chairs at our favorite bar. That was what I remembered.

Now, 2 years after, when I want to forget, I can't. I keep coming back to the times when I saw you almost everyday. I keep coming back to the glorious stupidity that I brought on to myself. Do I regret any of these? No.

I have prayed, begged, and wished that you were mine, and yet not even a thousand coins thrown at a wishing well would change the fact that I am, in fact, just someone who came to your life - unexpectedly and uninvited.

I am writing this, after almost 3 years from that fateful night I first met you.

The tear dropped from my eye, to my cheek, and I felt pity. For myself. For you. For anyone who is looking for love and finding something that might be it - only to find out that it never is, and will never will.

I never thanked you for everything you have done for me. I guess now is the time.

Thank you for making me realize that I am more than what I perceive myself to be. You made me realize that I am who I am, and I do not have to change for anyone else in the world.

Salamat Ben. Salamat sa lahat.

Paglisan - Isang Maikling Tula

Parang sinilaban ang puso ko
nang malaman ko na iiwan mo na ako.
Mula sa iyong mga labi namutawi
ang mga salitang pinilit kong tanggalin sa aking pagiisip.

Ngunit kahit anong gawin kong pilit,
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.
Bakit sa dinami - dami ng mga taong kailangang lumisan,
ikaw pa.

Kaya eto ako, nagdarasal na sana
- sana lang - hindi maisakatuparan ang iyong paglisan.
Dahil alam ko, dito sa kaibuturan ng aking puso,
hindi ko kakayaning wala ka.

10 Years Ago

Ten Years Ago:

I was 16. I only had a few months left in the last year of Highschool, and I was excited. I felt like I was on my way to success. I can't believe it has been ten years. 1998 was the year Spice Girls became a household name. I collected albums (then in tapes) of my favorite artists - Mariah, Madonna, Shania, Spice Girls, Britney. I was not a virgin anymore - and by that time I already knew I was gay. I was gay - but not very happy. I went to church every Saturday night and I first tasted tobacco by this age. I have been smoking ever since.



Five Years Ago:

The year was 2003. I was 21. Fresh out of College, I was on top of the world. I was, by that time, taking review classes for the Board Exams. Didn't take it though. I was afraid I'd fail. I felt like an outcast, I had just come back from Pangasinan and I did not even know who my neighbors were. I didn't have any friends, only my cousins, and I have started going out with them. Alberto's, Gimbals. The Divah was about to be born. :)



One Year Ago:

I had a great job, I had great friends. Come to think of it I still have it! I was already part of the Junior Management of my account in PeopleSupport.



One month ago:

Had all my hair shaved. It has been a month and I can already pull my hair. I decided to shave everything off because I am trying to grow most of my hair back - talk about thinning hair at my very young age...



Five Snacks:
1. Tempura chips - I can't get enough of the yummy shrimp taste.
2. Chocolates
3. Siopao!
4. Krispy Kreme Donuts (glazed)
5. Ensaymada

Five Songs I Know All the Words To:
1. Most Spice Girls songs
2. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
3. I love You Goodbye by Nina/Celine Dion
4. Most Mariah Carey Songs
5. Get Far Shining Star

Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy my parents a house.
2. Buy my own house.
3. Buy my brother a business.
4. Create my own fashion line.
5. Travel the world with my family.

Five Places to Run Away To:
1. To the Beach!
2. Any coffee shop.
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. I'd love to go to Europe. :)
5. Bora bora? :)

Five Favorite TV Shows:
1. Sex and the City
2. Gossip Girl
3. America's Next Top Model
4. Project Runway - too bad they cancelled the new season due to legal reasons.
5. Kay Susan Tayo


Five Greatest Joys:
1. Partying with Friends
2. Weekends
3. Paydays!
4. Having coffee
5. Summer

Thanks Noel!

Inuman 101

Rule number 1: Pag iinom lang sa bahay, wag magsusuot ng bonggang bongga.

Kung hindi naman high end bar ang pupuntahan mo, hindi mo na kailangang pumorma-porma.
Kasi kung may lasing, at nakamini skirt ka, asahan mong may hindi magandang mangyayari. Lalo na kung matagal nang hindi nakakatikim ng luto ng Diyos ang itinutukoy.

Rule number 2: Wag maarte.

Ang pinikpikan ay masarap. Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang pinikpikan, aba, dapat matikman
mo na. Kain sa iisang plato, tagay sa iisang baso. E ano naman kung ang last na nagshot e mukhang hindi nagtutooth brush? At least masaya kayong lahat.

Rule number 3: Wag paimporante.

Pag tinanong ka kung anong gusto mo, sabihin mo agad kung ano ang iniibig mong tirahin. Gin
blue man yan o beer, wag ka nang magiinarte pag wala ka nang iniinom. Feel at home. Lalo na
kung bahay mo nga talaga ang lugar na pinagdadausan ng inuman.

Rule number 4: Uminom lang ng tama.

Ang alak ay nilalagay sa tiyan, hindi sa utak. Pag sobra na sa inom, tumigil muna ng ilang sandali
at namnamin ang hilo. Pag nawala ang tama, uminom ulit. Magsuka kung kinakailangan.

Rule number 5: Maghanda ng asin.

Pag hindi inaasahan, at kailangang mag "body shot", at least alam mo kung nasaan ang asin. Hindi ka na maghahanap ng hindi pa naliligo para lang may madilaang maalat.

Rule number 6: Pag niyayang sumayaw, wag nang magpakipot.

Hindi na uso ang pagirl. Lalo na kung crush mo na ang nagyayang sumayaw.

Rule number 7: Makijam lang sa mga lasing.

Lasing sila, at kahit na sabihin pang wala na sila sa sarili nila alam pa rin nila ang ginagawa nila. So, kung may nasabi nilang nakakasakit, o kung natapakan nila ang paa mo, o kung nasapak ka nila ng hindi sinasadya, hayaan mo na. Bumawi ka na lang next time.

Rule number 8: Ang pulutan ay hindi ulam.

Wag maghanap ng kanin.

Rule number 9: Hindi pulutan ang kasamang umiinom.

Pwera na lang kung masarap talaga siya, saka ka maghanap ng kanin. :)

Rule number 10: Magpasalamat sa nagpainom.

Pwede ding hindi - kung ikaw ang nagpainom.

INUMAN NA!!! Bottoms Up!!!

Happy Birthday Beaugarte!

Nine Thousand Four Hundred Ninety days.

Two hundred Twenty Seven, Seven Hundred Sixty Hours.

One Million, Three Hundred Sixty Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes.

Eight Hundred Nineteen Million, Nine hundred Thirty Six Thousand Seconds.

Four Nine Billion, One hundred Ninety six Million, One Hundred Sixty Thousand Milliseconds.


That would summarize my entire life once the clock struck midnight this morning.

I was amazed at the speed of time. It was as if it was just yesterday.

I have been counting the blessings that came to my life. And every minute, every second that passed made me who I am today. Exactly who I am today.

26 years of existence. It sure is a lot for me! I mean, I have been in this world for a quarter of a century. And who knows how long I am going to stay alive?

If I was to choose, once again, what age I would go back to, I wouldn't take it. I would stay here, where I am right now. I can say, right now, that I am satisfied. I have everything, and I am happy.

6 years ago, I was sitting on my dormitory bed, thinking it was horrible to even get to 20. 20 was already old for me that time. I wondered what I would be after 5 years. Now here I am. Accomplished and, should I say, successful.

No, I don't have any life savings. I spend my money quite unwisely and I had my share of heartaches, empty stomach and drunken nights. But I refuse to think that my life was a mess. I think my life is just perfect. I don’t want anything more, nor anything less.

The question is, how long am I going to be satisfied? The answer - as long as I want to remain satisfied. For now, I dwell in the happiness that I feel every time I see my friends. I am happy every time I laugh with them. The moments shared will never be replaced by anything in this world.

Many people would ask me if I would redo my life again. In a heartbeat, I would answer I wouldn't. Every scar on my body tells a story, every wrinkle on my face shows who I am suppose to be.

To the people who I love - thank you for being there. Always.

To my mom - if you weren't there that Saturday morning, I wouldn't be where I am today.

To my father - thank you for raising me to who I am. Although you do not readily approve to my choices, I know you love me for who I am.

To my brother - you were there beside me all the time. He can be annoying at times, but it sure beats the hell of being alone in this world.

To my friends - without saying your names out loud I know you know who you are. Thank you for making this lifelong journey worthwhile. For the times that I sought for a family to be with, you were there. I will never forget the memories we had.

I grin like a Cheshire Cat, knowing that the start of the second quarter of the century I live in will be full of surprises. And just like that cheesy novel I really love to read, I know that sometime, someplace, it is going to be a blast.

Umulan Sana ng Pera

Umuulan na naman...

Nakakatuwang isipin na pag umuulan, ayaw nating mabasa. Samantalang kapag taginit naman e gusto natin lagi tayong nakatampisaw sa tubig. Ok lang naman ang konting ambon e. Tapos pag palabas ka na ng bahay, titigil na, parang walang nangyari. Masaya ang mga halaman at tuyo ang outfit.

Narinig mo na ba ang kantang Tuwing Umuulan? Yung kantang ang message e ok lang na umulan basta may kasama ka? Ayoko yung kantang yun. Oo, nakakatuwang pakinggan si Regine Velasquez habang tumitili na parang wala nang kinabukasan, pero pag inisip mo ng maige - may kaagaw ka na ng kumot, madadagdagan pa ang bayad mo sa kuryente dahil dalawang beses nang magpapainit ng ubig na pampaligo. Buti sana kung mayaman ka. E pambili na nga lang ng tuyo e pagiipunan mo pa ng 3 buwan. Wala pang kasamang kanin yun. Kailangan mo pang bumili ng kanin sa karinderya. Sampung piso para sa isang serving ng rice. Ang gagamitin nilang pantakal e yung pangtakal sa gatas ng bata. Mga dalawang ganun.

Isipin mo na lang kung naging halaman tayong lahat.

BAMBOO: "Naku, umuulan na naman, malakas na naman ang hangin, magbebending exercise na naman ako."
PINE TREE: "Hindi ako na kailangan pang magbending."
CACTUS: "TULUNGAN NIYO AKO, NALULUNOD AKO!!"

Hay, ewan ko nga ba. Minsan naiisip ko, pag umuulan, talagang hindi mo mapipigilang magisip.

May naiwan ka bang sampay sa bahay?
Tumutulo ba ang bubong?
May pasok ba ang mga bata?
May bagyo ba?
Kelan kaya titigil ang ulan?
Kailan kaya matututo ng ibang sayaw si Marianne Rivera?

Buti sana kung pera ang nahuhulog mula sa langit. Kung pera yan, aba, baka lahat ng timba ko sa bahay e nakasahod na. Ang problema, pag barya ang nahulog, kailangan magsuot ng protective gear. Baka bukol ang abutin mo, gastos na naman.

Sabi nga ng kaibigan kong itago na lang natin sa pangalan na Fifi Larue, sa sobrang hirap ng buhay, marami ang natututong kumapit sa patalim. Aba, e ikaw ba naman ang ligawan ng mayamang Amerikano, kahit na nakakalbo, go go go na, kahit na wala na itong buhok sa ulo at mas makapal pa ang buhok niya sa dibdib.

Ayan, tumila na ang ulan. Bukas uulan ulit. Sana naman pera na ang bumuhos. Wag lang barya.

Bag of Tricks and Special Devices ala Doraemon

Ang labo naman o.

Sabi mo Summa Cum Laude ka. Pero bakit wrong grammar? Nakalimutan mo ata ang subject-verb agreement mo.

Potah. Ang yabang pa ng pagkakasabi. Kung matalino ka talaga, hindi mo ipagmamayabang yan. Ipinapakita ang katalinuhan, hindi pinagmamayabang.

Parang hidden talent lang na walng kakwenta kwenta. Kung hindi naman kami maaaliw, itago mo na lang.

Taena. Kakairita talaga ang mga taong nagpapanggap. Matalino. Daw. Mayaman. Daw. Gwapo. Sabi ng nanay niya.

Ito ang salamin mula sa aking mahiwagang bag of tricks and special devices (BOTSD) ala DORAEMON.

Tignan mo ang sarili mo. Ito, baka kailangan mo ng "special face changer" mula sa aking bag of tricks. Baka sakaling magmukha kang tao.

Ito pa ang "location changer" para makarating ka sa ibang bansa. Baka sakaling makarating ka ng States na walang VISA.

Kung hindi siya gumana, ito, kunin mo, ang limang piso. MAGHANAP KANG TAENANG KA NG KAUSAP MO.

Leche.

Bull

Falling in love.

Some say it is the essance of living in this world. Others disagree, saying they don't need love to live. I, honestly, do not know what side I am on. I mean, I can live without someone to actually love. But every morning, everytime my head hits the pillow, I wonder when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet.

Damn, just like a child fantasizing about their wedding day, I fantasize about meeting someone and clicking with that person - out of the blue, like in a bookstore or a coffee shop. But, unlike children, who harbor that innate hope that someday dreams would come true, I always put this fantasies aside and remember that I am in the real world. No happy ever afters, no wedding cakes, no wedding gowns. For me at least. For a person like me.

I have always dreaded falling in love. I hate the feeling of falling for someone. Maybe I had too many heartbreaks to last a lifetime. Maybe I am just afraid to love because of the fear of rejection, of falling for the wrong person. Someone told me before that it should never be termed aas "falling", but instead "growing". Either way, I do not feel comfortable in the said situation. It is just too much for me to handle.

I have played, several times, with the idea of finally meeting someone who would accept me as who I am. No buts, no ifs. I once thought I found that kind of love. After a couple of weeks I learned never to trust someone who says he will be at Puerto Galera. With his family. During Holy Week. If you are gay and Filipino you would know what I am talking about. HINT : The beach will be full of men - in skimpy trunks.

Another relationship, but this time, when I thought he loved me for who I am, I learned I was number 3. Out of 5. Talk about choices.

So now I spend my days at work, drowning myself in stressful reports and ugly people, in hope that I would have enough money to drown myself in alcohol and loud music at the end of the week.

Gay people without experiences often confuse love with lust. I have passed through that phase as well. I would fall in love easily. And fall out of it easily as well. That was a funny time for me. It was something tha I will never forget, but never will come back to.

Falling in love.

Some people think it is the only way to happiness.

I think that's bull.

Spicy Patar - The Beach

The sand felt so good between my toes.

It didn't really matter if it was warm, or if I was hungry. I just wanted to savor the cool breeze, and feel myself tan under the hot sun.

The beach was blue green, unlike the muddy brackish sea water at the other beaches I have been too (except Pagudpod).

The wind was strong enough to carry our sarongs away, so I held on to mine.

There was a small stream beside the beach, and at the estuary ( I learned a new word today) - where the river water and the sea water mix, was the clearest and cleanest water I have seen.

Spicy Patar - The Journey to Paradise

Hidden Paradise.

I have heard these words so many times before. And I have been fooled many times over. The promise of a stress-free environment has long eluded me, until now.

Di Anne and Van - two of my close friends - and I have been planning to go on a road trip somewhere. It would be just us, in a refreshing and stress-free weekend away from the busy and haggard call center life.

Di Anne suggested that we go to their place, at Bolinao. I have heard so much about the place before - the pristine beaches, the overpriced resorts, and the long trip to that place. Being a fan of road trips, I immediately agreed to join them in a journey to Paradise.

It was Friday afternoon when we started the trip. Van brought along her yummy boyfriend, Joel. It was in his car that we started the exciting road trip.

Going down to Dagupan was a breeze. It was after Dagupan that we started wondering where the hell were we going. Di Anne promised that she remembered the way to Bolinao. We got lost around 3 times. Eventually, we were able to get directions straight, so after a couple of left and right turns, we were back in track.

Travelling is often tiresome. We were hungry, and we wanted to rest our sore bums. We started talking about oysters, and how delicious it would be to cook some Rockefeller oysters, the kind with cheese on top - recipe courtesy of April Dawn De Asis.

We were still in the car, talking about food, when we entered the shortcut to Alaminos. Di Anne mentioned the carps (hito) at Alaminos were yummy, so we stopped at the first restaurant we saw and ordered some fish. After filling our tummies with the grilled slimy fish, we realized that we have not taken any pictures of it yet. So I took my handy cellphone and snapped a pic of what was left of our early dinner.

Next stop, Sual, with a breathtaking view of the South China Sea. We only got to take a few pics with a good backgound, but I would always remember the breathtaking view and fresh breeze. Van even managed to crack a joke, saying she wanted to have a place of her own in the place, and perhaps call it "Sual-salan." Leave it to Van to make sexual innuendos.

Overlooking the Sual Harbor

After more than an hour, we arrived at our destination, Bolinao. We stayed at Di Anne's family's place, and waited until morning to see what we went to Bolinao for - the pristine White Beach of Patar.

Morning came and we had to leave early for the market. At the market place we saw so many seafood, I was salivating over the fresh crabs, tuna, squid and fish of all kind.

The road trip to the beach was fun, we were all excited, like children going to school for the first time. We even stopped at the famously expensive resorts along the way, thinking that it was a nice way to fool people who would ask were we stayed at Bolinao. We can afford them, but we'd rather stick to the budget.

A couple more minutes and we were gazing at the tallest structure we have seen since the start of the trip - the second oldest Light house in the entire Philippines. I do not know what it was named, but the view there was spectacular. The breeze was cool. The climate was fine. It was a good day to take pictures. The lighting was superb.


Di Anne's newest favorite photo at the Lighthouse View Deck

Taking advantage of the superb lighting and view at the Lighthouse View Deck

The second oldest Lighthouse in the Philippines

The beach itself was just 5 minutes away from the lighthouse. It was a public beach, so I did not expect anything fancy.

I put on my sunglasses, and stepped into the white sands of Patar Beach.

I was amazed. For the first time in a very long time, I knew I have seen Paradise.


to be continued...