Thank You.

It is true what they say about emotional pain hurts more than the physical kind. It is the kind of pain that lingers - the kind that you'll never really get over with in a short period of time.

I have been single for 4 months. 4 months and 2 days. I broke up with my ex on June 14th, a day before his birthday. Then he died on July 30. The pain I felt when I realized that I may never see him again did not compare to what I felt when I was informed that he passed due to Meningitis. I was devastated. I was a mess.

It took me a while to get over the loneliness that I initially felt. I mean, I still feel lonely sometimes, in fact I still get into those bouts of depression sometimes. But I am glad to say that I finally am okay.

Yes, there will be times when Sunday mornings would always remind me of staying in bed, holding hands and just talking. That videoke bar I still frequent, where the love story started, would always be one of my favorite places. The train I first rode with him will remain as one of the wildest rides of my life. And these are all going to be a huge part of me.

I would also like to take this time to thank the people who made me feel better after what happened. This was the time that I knew who my real friends are. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So now,  I am ready. I am ready to face whatever life would bring me.

Free

A lot of people have been asking me what happened to me recently.

I want this to be the last time to talk about it, so pardon me if I become melodramatic, or if I overshare. But this is what I need to do, for me to have complete peace of mind.

20 months ago, I met this boy. He was young. he was 19, and it was my 30th birthday. I considered him to be my birthday gift. I never wanted anything else but to be happy, and though I was happy with my job and friends, he was a Godsent.

It was one night. I though it was going to be the first and last time I was going to be with him. Like all the other lovers I had, my door was already open for him to leave. But he did not leave. He stayed.

I never was a believer in living in together. I have witnessed a lot of relationships go to shit because they decided to stay with each other under one roof. But I went against what my gut told me and decided to give him the keys to my apartment. It was something that I was hesitant to do, at first. But when I gave him those keys, I know I will never be the same person ever again.

I moved because I wanted to have a better living space, now that we already were living with each other. His bubbly personality made me smile all the time. He would sing songs to the top of his voice and although he would not hit the notes, I would always smile. To me, he was just like me - not afraid to be different from others.

He adored music. He loved fashion. I would make him my guinea pig. Whenever I have makeup and gown projects he would always the first one to try it on. To me, I was the luckiest person on earth to be with someone like him.

Then he forgot to log out from his Facebook account. That day, I found out he was still meeting other guys. He would exchange sweet messages with other men. I confronted him and we fought about it. I wanted him to leave but decided against it and had him stay. I couldn't bear to think of being alone. Not when I thought I have found the person I will be with for the rest of my life.

After a few months of trying it again, I found out this time that he had a number of other accounts in Twitter and other sites, having an "alter-ego", another person who explored life in many ways. It was never meant for me to find out. But I did.

See, at this point, the only reason I still remained in the relationship was because I knew how it was like to be young, wild and free. I was also very adventurous. I wanted to savor life. So since it was just another reason for me to stay in the relationship.

2 weeks ago a person sent me a message, telling me that there were times when the person I was living with would let other men into my house when I go to work at night, then just as the dawn breaks, before I get home, they leave. By this time, I always complained about how he would always sleep during the day. He would not look for a job, nor does he have any intentions to go to school. Now I knew.

I confronted him that day. I asked him if it was true. And although he said it wasn't, I knew in my heart I have been defeated yet again, in this game called love.

I stayed in the relationship for 20 months because of one thing - the fear of being alone again.And on that day, on the day before his 21st birthday, when I told him I had enough, it became true.

Once again, after a long, long time, I was alone.And the worst part was, even if he stayed at my apartment for a few more days while looking for a place to move to, I felt the loneliest, ever.

I wanted to cry, but not while he was here. And yes, it is true that you will know how important a person is until he is gone. When he finally left yesterday morning, I did not even see him for the last time. He left a letter.

As always, he was always full of enthusiasm. Just what made me love him even more before. He was so optimistic about his life. And even though I pulled him down in last few days that we were together, he still had the courage to face everything that he going through.

I know it is going to be hard for him. And harder even for me.

I write this with tears in my eyes, and I hope this would be the last time I cry about this.

To you, who have made my life happiest for the last 20 months, thank you. You made me believe I could love again.

I will miss your voice and our constant banter about who looks better, and your Sinampalukang Manok.

But what I will truly miss is the feeling of being able to trust someone again, with my entire heart and soul.

Goodbye, BBQ. God bless you.

Sad Songs

I have made the most difficult decision in my life so far.

I chose to be the Devil's Advocate. I needed to do it for my well being.

Now, as my pain starts and I ponder on what to do next, I wonder how I would make my first step.

The last time I felt this pain, I decided to quit everything. I left Baguio and although I looked back occasionally, I chose to stay where I am today.

Now, I am stuck. A house full of memories, good and bad. Work that I have grown to love so much. Friends that I have promised to be with for the rest of my life.

It is so unfortunate that I let it escalate to this. I had  lot of chances to let go of this relationship before, but I wanted to punish myself. The pain and longing I felt everyday just got bigger and bigger. And now I do not have anything left but anger. Anger that I cannot contain, yet I have to since there is nothing else to do.

Patience is a virtue, they say. Time heals all wounds. 

I just pray that his wounds heal faster. At least I know I am strong and that I can get through all of this.

I just want to say sorry. Sorry for making you believe that this is a fairy tale. Sorry for letting you rest on what you thought was the safest place on earth. Sorry I hurt you this way. I have to let you go.
'
I have always asked this question whenever I encounter people who are heartbroken or sad: "Why do we always hear sad songs when we are sad?" The supposed answer is "because we refuse to hear sad songs when we are happy."

But it is not the real answer, now that I am in this situation.

I hear sad songs now because, at the back of mind, I know someday I will be ok again.

The Old Playground

Late post...

This used to be my playground.

Spending a week at the place I call home brought back a lot of memories. I seldom come home, you see, and even though I have lived here for most of my life, coming back makes me long for the old days, when the fog came in in the afternoon and these times were spent playing on the street with long forgotten childhood friends.

I used to walk up and down Session Road knowing that the day eventually turned into night – and as the temperature lowers, I walked faster, keeping my heart rate up and myself warm.

It is 1:14 in the morning, the 27^th day of the first month of 2013. Years ago, I would be sitting at my favourite internet shop, complaining about my day, passing time until I had to go home since I had work the next night. There, in the deadly web they call the internet, I have met people, learned new things, brought my carnality to life, and have given my heart the opportunity to get itself broken – several times.

After this stage, I became a social butterfly. I had the world eating through my hand. Everyone knows my name. I was a star. It would take me an entire hour just to go from point A to point B, just because I had a short conversation with the people I meet along the street. Yes, everyone knew who I was, and it made me very, very happy.

However, as time and so called friends came and went, I realized that I need to be somewhere else. Maybe it was the fact that I was getting older and I never really became successful in anything. I was a jack of all trades. I did everything but I mastered nothing, and eventually I was bored with my life. I wanted out.

One thing remained certain, though, my best friends who remained to know who I really was and never really  judged me. They accepted me for who I am, and I cherished every moment with them. It did not really  matter if we saw each other after a few weeks, a few months, or even years. It was like, as my dear sister-from-another-mother Di Anne said, pushing the play button after pressing pause.

Now, as I go back to reality after this very welcome “sabbatical”, I would take the new memories and store them once again inside the treasure chest I call life. I would definitely be back, and when I do, I will be pressing on the play button once again.

This city used to be my playground. This city saw me at the best and worst times of my life. This city showed me who I am and molded me to be who I will be in the next years of my life.

Goodbye for now, Baguio. Til we meet again.

The Forbidden Fruit

Like a piece of forbidden fruit


I touched its skin and
wondered what would it
feel like sinking my teeth
into its skin, tasting
its magnificent juices and letting some
dribble unto my chest

Waiting in anticipation
I touched, and the fruit trembled
It wanted me to touch it
It wanted me to taste it

The succulent fruit wanted me to devour
its entirety

And like Eve I nibbled

Now I am on fire

I want more

Reconnected: Ramblings on a Warm November Day

Wow. It has been a while. I have not been writing a blog entry for a long time and although I would like to say I have a lot of spare time in my hand, I'd rather spend this precious hours sleeping. It is that stressful.


A very good friend, who has a very successful travel blog, had his 28th birthday yesterday. He was so depressed that he reached that age, and said that he did not have any "accomplishments". You do, I said, telling him that he is a fabulous photographer and that he is a wonderful blogger/writer. 

"I take photos, and blog," he said. "You are a blogger too."

Hmmm. Yes, I am a blogger, although I haven't been doing it for a long long time. It made me guilty.

Guilty, because this was once an outlet of ALL the frustrations I had in life. This was the instrument that I used to let people know I am happy. That I have sad. That I was depressed once in a while. That I had a life and that I was not afraid to let other people know it.

Then I came to Manila to work.

Do not get me wrong, I am happy with what I have achieved so far. Satisfied - if I may say so. There are definitely times when I absolutely had no extra cash to buy what I want, or times when I am so flooded with activities at work that 5 minutes of doing nothing with just a cigarette in my hand keeps me sane - but I am happy.

I used to work hard, and party even harder. Now it's work hard and sleep. I am getting older. I am 30 for crying out loud.

Not that I am complaining. What I am doing now puts food on the table. But just enough.

I think I need a part time job.

____

When old friends reconnect through Facebook or Twitter, I get giddy. I would just want to ask questions, like "How have you been?", or "What do you do now". Sometimes, I wanna ask "Did you ever wonder what happened to me?"

It just seems that even in a world where everything is connected, there are still some friends - that I have met and liked years ago - out there. I am waiting in anticipation for more friends to discover me.

I am just here, and although inviting you for a cup of coffee might not be a good idea with the busy-ness of our schedules and the distance of our locations, I would like to reconnect. For old time's sake.

____

Yup, a lot on my mind today. Maybe it's because I am on leave from work and I have nothing to do but think.

A much deserved break.

It would be nicer if I was on a beach somewhere. 

I'd like to go back to Bolinao. :)

____

Well, I think that's it for now. 

Off to doing nothing again.

I'll be watching babies laughing on Youtube, if you don't mind. :)

Till next time.

Memories

This past few days, I have been trying to look for old photos ever since a single old picture of me came out of nowhere. It is addicting, visiting old sites and friend's profiles, hoping that a piece of my history is found.


I was flooded with memories from years ago, with old friends - some of whom I have never seen again.


Looking at old photos, I wondered. In Baguio I wanted a fast paced life. I wanted to be where everyone was. Now that I have been living as a Manileno, I miss the slow paced Baguio life - when afternoons where spent drinking coffee and with friends and weekends are spent dancing the night away.


I told a good friend about possibly going back home. She said she wished me luck, and that if it makes me happy, I should follow my heart.


But then again, I followed my heart, and I found myself working in Makati and living in Taguig. If you ask me right now if I am happy, I would say I am. But there is something missing. 


For now, I would just look for old pictures. I'd cross the bridge when I get there.

Realization

Coming to realization

I saw my future

Alone

Unloved

Then like an unexpected surprise

YOU

came along.

I used to think fairy tales do not come true

Now I know

Fairy Tales do exist

In a twisted way

You are my knight in shining armour

You caught be unaware

Not ready to leap, yet I did.

It was a leap of faith

And the greatest and happiest gamble I have ever done

I love you.

And this time I do not have to pretend you love me too.

30 Hours and a Minute

So I was awake for 40 hours this weekend. And when I finally got home I slept like a baby for 12 hours. :)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

So 21 hours before that it was Friday, 3 pm.

FRIDAY 3 PM (Awake for :00 seconds)

I woke up knowing that it was going to be a tiring weekend. I had a lot planned and I was excited to just have fun. Turning the TV on, I watched Kim and her sisters take over Miami. While I was doing so, I was preparing for the first activity after my last last shift for the week.

I left home 2 hours before my shift and managed to stay awake the entire night. I had a lot of things to finish, and I did, with a few more hours to spare in the shift to just relax.

Anyway, I cannot wait for 8:30 am.

____

SATURDAY 8:30 AM (Awake for 16 hours)

So I finally got into the FX that Volts got for the trip to Taytay. I was pretty tired by this time, but at the same time I was looking forward to real relaxation under the sun - or in this case - the cumulonimbus clouds.

____

SATURDAY 10:00 AM (Awake for 18 hours)

Club Manila East, in Taytay, Rizal, is one of the biggest resorts that I have been so far. It was so big, in fact, that I honestly haven't been to it's four corners yet. No need to, though, as the pools are more important than checking on the perimeters of the place.

I was immediately drawn to the kayak pool right in front of our cabana. I wanted to try it before, but I was afraid that the kayak might sink. So this was the perfect opportunity to actually try it out. So I did ride one - and I had fun. I never though kayaking was going to be this fun. It was being independent once again. You see, I haven't been on a boat aside from the one from Burnham Park, so I really had fun.

____

SATURDAY 7:00 PM (Awake for 28 hours and counting)

The kiddie pool in CME proved to be a haven for children. There are numerous fountains and a small slide. And it was the perfect place to catch up on gossip. Kelly, Pinky, Kit, and I were sitting beside the fountain while Kit's daughter, Fiona, was enjoying the water.

This was the first time in a long time that we had time to actually just talk about anything. We belonged to the same team before - Kit was our Team Lead. Kelly became Work Force and Pinky was in Claims. I was promoted to Team Lead and Kit is now my manager. And apparently, Fiona thinks I am nice. At least I think she thinks I am nice. So she now calls me Tito Chaz.

Fiona asked me if I was going to CME next weekend. I was not paying attention so I said yes. I was starting to feel tired.

____

SATURDAY 9:00 PM (30 hours so far)

My manager, while waiting for her at her home at V.Luna asked me if I was feeling ok, since I have already been awake for 30 hours by that time. I said I was, and that I always had extra energy to last me many hours before I finally sleep.

I was so tired by this time, though, that when Fiona asked me if I had desks when I was Grade 1 (I have no idea how we got that far into my life), I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the 7 year old pointed out that I fell asleep and demanded that I answer her question. That kid is real funny.

So we had a party to go to, that is why I was waiting for my manager. Via, my friend and former quality coach, had her "24th" birthday, and was having her party at the house of her boyfriend and multimillionaire Jobo* (*name withheld for security purposes).

____

SATURDAY 11:30 PM (22 hours, and 30 minutes awake)

We arrived at Casa De Elitista and we immediately had dinner - lovely barbeque and UBER HOT Chili Pasta. I loved the pasta so much I was planning to bring home some. Unfortunately a few hours later I forgot to ask for some since I was too drunk to even think straight.

The party lasted until the sun was up. Or should I say, the cumulonimbus clouds were up.

____

SUNDAY 6:00 am (29 hours awake)

It was raining cats and dogs and a good friend of Via offered a ride to EDSA. I agreed and together with the Centennial Becky Leo Maurithio and BFF Arlene A, we started the ride back home.

The ride was a memorable one, as in this trip, BFF Alo said she have not tasted NUTRIBUN yet. I would never forget her statement. In gay language, nutribun translates to the male sexual organ. Derived from the Filipino Gay word "Nota", nutribun offers a more graceful term for the commonly used - and most favorite part of the human anatomy - of gay people everywhere. Brava Mama Alo. It was the wonderful cap to the end of my tiresome 30 hours.

_____

SUNDAY 7:00 am

Ahhh... I never missed my bed as much as I did this time. I did not even take a shower. I just lay at my bed and remembered how much fun my weekend started.

_____

SUNDAY 7:01 am (30 hours and 1 minute awake)

I finally slept.

It was a tiring - but fun - start of the weekend.

Can't wait for the long weekend in September.

I wonder what plans would I have by that time. :)

Of The Volcanoes and Amy Winehouse

It has been a year - well, more than a year - from the last time that I wrote down something. It's either my busy schedule or the fact that my life has indeed become so boring that I can't even tell who I am anymore.

Anyway, a lot of shocking things had happened this past few weeks that I cannot help but just say something about it!

First order of business:



The removal of the Philippine Volcanoes billboard at EDSA-Guadalupe because of the complaints from "concerned citizens."

I mean, WHAT THE F!!!! I would not mind passing by Guadalupe on a Friday night or a Saturday Morning or any time - even if there is horrendous traffic at that area almost all the time - if this billboard was still up!

When I heard about the removal of the billboards, the first thing I though was - WHY CANT THEY REMOVE THE BILLBOARDS of almost naked women too?! The overly pathetic Patriarchal mentality of this country just shows that it is OK to let women flaunt around in their underwear, but men need to remain clothed and "respected".

What is wrong with a man wearing underwear for all the world to see? This are strong men who just managed to look good in briefs and balls!

For the "concerned citizens" who wanted the billboards removed - you should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you explain why you wanted the billboards removed? We need an explanation! We NEED the Philippine Volcanoes!!!


Second:




Amy Winehouse's untimely death.

I had dreams of Amy. I wanted to meet her in person!

When one of my bestfriends, Kiko, introduced me to her music, I was instantly hooked. Her voice is completely different from what I have grown up hearing on the radio. I was addicted to her songs. Too bad she only has a few songs under her sleeves. I was looking forward to buying another album from her.

Her life has been under the scrutiny of the public for a long period of time. She had her ups and downs. And she never got out of the God forsaken depression that just dug a bigger hole around her.

Her death at the young age of 27 proves one thing - that no matter how young a person is, fame can get the best of anyone. She never wanted to be famous. She just wanted to sing - her music was her passion. She will be missed.