The Pseudo-New Year's Resolutions List

A couple of days ago, my friends and I talked about New Year's Resolutions.
Last year, I only had one New Year's Resolution, and that was to not bother about having one.
I never really believed in New Year's Resolutions, I mean, you can always change your mind right? So what's the big deal about it?



Anyway, I have decided to create a list list - things that I have to do before the end of the year 2009. Things to do for 12 months, at least one thing done every two months. Fairly reasonable, since some of the things listed can be done simultaneously, like hitting 2 birds with one stone.
After careful thought, here is the first half of the list of things I have to do before the end of 2009:





1. Buy a Digital Camera

Being the photo freak that I am, some friends have suggested that I take up a few short courses for Photography. A second hand camera would do, I am planning to save up for a good camera though, the one professionally used for photo shoots. Anyone with hand-me-downs? :)



2. Ride a Boat

In my 26 years of existence, the only boats I managed to ride were the rent-by-the-hour boats at the Burnham Lake - a 4 feet deep manmade lake filled the sewage water right smack in the middle of Baguio City. This goal brings me to the 3rd goal I have for the coming year.



3. Visit the Visayas

Full of pristine beaches and gorgeous Chinoys, the Visayas region has been a hotspot for PLMs (People Like Me). Boracay, with it's white sands and overly expensive resorts, have lost it's luster, but I'd love to visit just to say that I have actually been there. I would want to visit Cebu, also.



4. Get another tattoo


The pheonix tattoo I got last year wants to get a sister. I have been planning to get something tattooed right on my spine, it means "happy and gay" in Thai. I'm trying to get a picture of that, maybe I'll post it next time.


5. Get membership to a gym and start losing weight

Alright, alright, seems to be something I may not really be committed to. Hey, maybe this the the part where it actually is a New Year's Resolution. Still, I really do need to get healthy. I am starting to feel nauseaous constantly these past weeks.


6. Get at least one novel published

Another dream I have had for the longest time. I have already finished writing 2 novels, and I have 2 unfinished novels just waiting for me to get right to them. I have been researching on ways to have these books published, can someone help?

Christmas with Sharon Cuneta

Christmas has come and gone, and with a few days left in the year, I was actually hoping I'd get a lot of things as Christmas gifts. Just a couple of gifts came, though, but it doesn't matter, the gifts were thoughtful.

So I got myself some gifts for Christmas, not a lot, but at least I bought some stuff for me.

1. Sharon Cuneta's classic movie collection
2. Old movies in VCDs and DVDs
3. Bob Ong's books
4. 2 pairs of Buffalo pants (for sale of course)

The company I have been working for for the past 2 years decided that we needed time off for the Christmas season. It was 4 days of blissful relazation, I thought, so the time was right - I've had a stressful week at work.

I had a list of things that I haven't had the chance to do, and I thought it was the time to actually get to it.

1. Do my laundry
2. Clean my room
3. Movie Marathon
4. Write something for this blog
5. Finish the novel I have started writing

I did the laundry, I cleaned my room, then I started my Movie Marathon with Sharon Cuneta's "Bubukas, Luluhod ang mga tala" ("Tomorrow, The Stars will Kneel"). Then I realized I was bored. ARGH! The only thing I hate (other than Marian Rivera's dancing) is being bored.

Got this copy of "Mrs. Doubtfire", one of my favorite movies, and I watched that while online. I started chatting but that lost it's luster after a couple of minutes.

Whew, I didn't really know what to do anymore. I lied in my bed, just wishing the holidays were over. For the first time this year, I actually wanted to go back to work! I can't believe it.

3 more days to go.

I thought I started liking Christmas. Now I just realized, I still hate it. Aside from Marian Rivera's dancing, of course.

Old Baguio, New Baguio

Here is a picture of Session Road, before and now. I came across this while browsing Google.

Funny how the tall buildings show how highly urbanized we are, but somehow we wish we could go back to the old times, when the air was still fresh and the cars can still park diagonally on the streets.

Hay.

Memories

Here's a blog entry I found, browsing through my old blog 2 years ago. This blog entry amde me realize that I haven't really changed much, I just started learning a lot more.
_______

It’s cold and I brought an old jacket that smells of mothballs. The keyboard on this computer isn’t functioning very well, I have to hit the backspace key so many times to erase mistakes. I have a lot to complain about, but I didn’t walk 5 blocks just to write about the "not-so-nice" things that happened to me today.

So let me rephrase my opening paragraph.

It’s cold, and I have always enjoyed the cool breeze and low temperatures. It reminds me of my dream to go the Manhattan one day and enjoy the cold that Sarah Jessica Parker is always complaining about. Let’s exchange places Sarah. I’ll bet you’ll miss New York.

It has been several days since the last time I wrote on my diary at home. YES, aside from religiously posting on this online blog, I also keep a private recording of what happens in my life, stuff that is not meant for the public eye. In the pages of that diary, I keep track of what I might easily forget when I grow old. I am afraid to lose memories, wonderful or regrettable events that made me who I am now.

I have kept a diary all my life. Some of them I have lost, I have kept a couple of them, and I read them when I have time. Its funny how I behaved and thought before. I realized that ever since, I have always struggled with my love life. And when I compare myself now to what I was before, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank God that I have learned a LOT.

Going back to the things of the past isnt that hard as other might think. Sometimes, they might even serve as a reminder of what and what not to change, a reminder of happy times to shed light to a gray day, and a reflection of the bad days that will make us strive to make our lives better.

Having said that, I have great confidence that I can face my life now with the reassurance that anything I do, and any consequences it may bring to my life, I will always rise like a phoenix, ready to tackle anything that blocks my way.

Same Old, Same Old...

Blah blah blah...

A lot of things being thought about, too little time to actually talk about it.

It's almost Christmas, and though I have already bought gifts, I am having a hard time finding time to wrap them all up. If I could just give the givfts in plastic bags, I would...

It has been a while since the last time that I wrote something. I am quite bored, to say the least, and I honestly do not have anything to write about. Or talk about.

A colleague recently approached me and asked me why I was so sad.

"I ain't sad," I said, irritated that people assume I am sad when I don't talk. "I just don't feel like talking."

Then they start asking if i was feeling well.

I don't really know what's happening with me right now. A couple of months ago, I would enjoy a night out with friends. I'll dance till the wee hours of the morning, or till my feet start aching, wanting to rest from being wrapped in 4 inch stilletos. Now I'd rather stay at home and drink bottles of beer with friends till I pass out. :)

Maybe it's that "getting older" thing my mom used to tell me.

"Tumatanda ka na," ("You're getting older,") she would say. "You should start acting your age."

I remember that TV commercial by Edu Manzano, the one that said it is ok to be 40, as long as that person looks 30 (or something younger). It is so unfair! I mean, I am just 26, but I look ages older that what I really am! Grrr..

Anyway, I can't wait for the weekend. I haven't really though of what to do on Saturday, but I have a distinct feeling I would just be staying at home.

Maybe I should start learning how to crochet or something. :P

The Great Divisoria Escape

It has been such a tiring weekend. I had to go down to Manila (Philippines Capital, around 8 hours away from where I am right now) to buy gifts for Christmas. I dread the holiday season, but if there was one thing I love doing, it's giving gifts (then receiving some :)).

The weekend started at 3:00 am. After work, I boarded a bus to Manila. I got some sleep on the bus, but it wasn't really enough to get me through one whole day. Anyway, when I arrived at Manila, it was not too warm. It was still humid (temperatures can go as warm as 33.05 degrees Celsius (91.49 degrees Fahrenheit), but the weather was actually pleasant.

After leaving my stuff at my friend Piper's house, we rode the train to Divisoria, a haven for people who have little money to spend but a lot of friends to give gifts to. We spent almost 4 hours, in the middle of at least a thousand people crammed into a block of old buildings, haggling for shirts and pants and other stuff. It was hell. But I got a little with my Php2,000 budget (roughly US$50).

That was basically the only itinerary for the day, but my energy gave way. At around 4 pm, I gave up (Take note, I have been awake for more than 24 hours). Another 2 hour train ride back to Piper's place, and we only got a few minutes to shower and ride the train to another location, this time SM Mall of Asia, one of the biggest malls in Asia, the biggest in the Philippines. There were still a lot of people, it was a Saturday, and there are no classes, so basically everyone wanted to get out of there homes and share in the bliss of Christmas shopping. Thank God I shopped earlier than usual (I usually do Christmas shopping on the 24th).

After maxing out my credit card, we went home at around 12 am (Sunday morning), and we rode a bus back to Piper's house (2 hour bus ride).

After a quick shower, and a change of clothes, we went clubbing... at 2 am. We didn't get to dance much, the bar we went to was crammed with gay guys, and we were tired. So we went home at around 4 am. We arrived at Piper's place at 7 am.

I haven't had any real sleep since Friday, so once my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. Only to wake up after 3 hours. We had to go home the next day, so we decided to have as many things done with the little time we have.

Sunday was not too hectic, we had time to actually sit and have a frapuccino, we watched a movie, then we had some last minute shopping. Then it was back home at 1 am.

When we woke up 6 hours later, we boarded a bus going back to Baguio, and slept on the bus on our way up.

It was a real hectic weekend, but I had lot of fun. I am looking forward to the next adventure we are gonna have. :)

Changes and Boredom

I have been sitting for 8 hours, waiting for the end of the class. I was on training for the new account I am moving in and I am bored to death.

It has been almost 2 weeks when they told me I was to move to a new account. I have been with with my account for 2 years - part of the first batch, in fact - and it tore my heart apart to hear that we were to lose the account, it was going back to Manila.

I had a lot of good memories with the account I previously had. It was a sales account, and being in a sales environment actually made me a better person. I learned a lot from the account and it truly is pain to see it dissolve.

Let me just say that I am happy to be in the new account (rather than lose my job). It is a Financial Services Bank, and though I hate math, our trainer told us we will just be using Simple Elementary Math to do our job correctly. Whew.

The company I work for prides itself in being flexible. Too flexible, in fact, that I can be in 3 different accounts within 3 months - transferred from one account to another.

I am a bit optimistic that I would stay in this new account for a long time. If possible, another 2 years.

That is one thing about changes. It takes boredom away from life.

End the Year with Bangs!

Van got bangs before Christmas. Ok, it wasn't that bad, she actually looked good, but I have this Love Hate relationship with Bangs.

I have been trying to grow bangs for most of this year. When I didn't get the desired result, I shaved all my hair off.

What's with bangs anyway?

Emo anyone?

Of Lost Glasses and Rootbeer

I lost my favorite pair of glasses a month ago, it was the only pair I have kept for over a year. It looked good on me, and I held on to the hope of finding it, even going as far as straining to look at my pc monitor while creating reports and reading materials over the internet.

When I decided to get another pair, I could'nt really find a pair of frames that would look like it, or would look even close to it. So I pick this really thin frames that was light weight, and then paid for scratch proof lenses to make myself feel better. After I paid for the overpriced pair of glasses, I looked at myself in the mirror, and though I was able to see real clearer, I felt like an old man was staring back at me.

A couple of weeks ago, an officemate approached me and mentioned that he found a pair of glasses. He described it, and, like a child who was told he'll be getting a new bike for Christmas, my eyes sparkled with hope. I found it, my favorite pair of glasses.

Now, writing this blog entry, I am peering through the only pair of glasses that lasted this long. It was lost, but now it has been found.





*****

When I was a child, my mom would usually bring me to Greenwich, a local pizza fastfood shop, just like Shakey's, or Pizza Hut, and I would look forward to our "lunchdates". And one thing that I would always look forward to is the rootbeer that comes with my "kiddie meal."

I cannot describe how much I craved for Rootbeer. But then, when I started drinking other beverages, I soon forgot the taste of the special drink.

After coming from a week long Medical leave, I saw that there were new vending machines in the pantry.

Lo and behold, sitting inside the vending machine, like puppy with its sad eyes, was a can of ice cold Sarsi, and old favorite that made me reminisce the old times with my mom as we dug in to a medium vegetarian pizza.

I cannot describe how it felt when the cold rootbeer touched my tongue. It was like I was in heaven. I was actually dreaming of being in a Sarsi Commercial, with my hair being gently caressed by the wind as closed my eyes to savour the taste that only Sarsi can bring - a taste of love.

Now I feel ackward as Van looks at me, wondering why I looked that way.

*****

Here's to lost and found things, bringing us back to the past, and making us hope that someday, though impossible, we can go back to the past to relive any moment - any moment we continue longing for.

No to H8.

I am a Filipino.

I believe in the Freedom of Speech.

I am gay.

I believe in Love.

I am a human being.

I believe in EQUALITY.

No matter where you are. Let us make a stand.

No to Proposition 8.

For Ben

It was one fateful July night. Or was it June? I can't remember. What I remembered was that you approached me and asked me where to get a nose ring - just like mine.

The nose ring was faux, I didn't even have a nose piercing. I just wanted to make a statement. And you noticed. I was touched.

Just like previous encounters, I forgot about you. Until you came back.

It was almost a year after that fateful encounter. You came back and you had to remind me how we met. I didn't remember, but I pretened I did. What I remembered was that I was wearing that fabulous faux nose ring. And that for one night, I was happier than usual, dancing on top of the chairs at our favorite bar. That was what I remembered.

Now, 2 years after, when I want to forget, I can't. I keep coming back to the times when I saw you almost everyday. I keep coming back to the glorious stupidity that I brought on to myself. Do I regret any of these? No.

I have prayed, begged, and wished that you were mine, and yet not even a thousand coins thrown at a wishing well would change the fact that I am, in fact, just someone who came to your life - unexpectedly and uninvited.

I am writing this, after almost 3 years from that fateful night I first met you.

The tear dropped from my eye, to my cheek, and I felt pity. For myself. For you. For anyone who is looking for love and finding something that might be it - only to find out that it never is, and will never will.

I never thanked you for everything you have done for me. I guess now is the time.

Thank you for making me realize that I am more than what I perceive myself to be. You made me realize that I am who I am, and I do not have to change for anyone else in the world.

Salamat Ben. Salamat sa lahat.

Paglisan - Isang Maikling Tula

Parang sinilaban ang puso ko
nang malaman ko na iiwan mo na ako.
Mula sa iyong mga labi namutawi
ang mga salitang pinilit kong tanggalin sa aking pagiisip.

Ngunit kahit anong gawin kong pilit,
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.
Bakit sa dinami - dami ng mga taong kailangang lumisan,
ikaw pa.

Kaya eto ako, nagdarasal na sana
- sana lang - hindi maisakatuparan ang iyong paglisan.
Dahil alam ko, dito sa kaibuturan ng aking puso,
hindi ko kakayaning wala ka.

10 Years Ago

Ten Years Ago:

I was 16. I only had a few months left in the last year of Highschool, and I was excited. I felt like I was on my way to success. I can't believe it has been ten years. 1998 was the year Spice Girls became a household name. I collected albums (then in tapes) of my favorite artists - Mariah, Madonna, Shania, Spice Girls, Britney. I was not a virgin anymore - and by that time I already knew I was gay. I was gay - but not very happy. I went to church every Saturday night and I first tasted tobacco by this age. I have been smoking ever since.



Five Years Ago:

The year was 2003. I was 21. Fresh out of College, I was on top of the world. I was, by that time, taking review classes for the Board Exams. Didn't take it though. I was afraid I'd fail. I felt like an outcast, I had just come back from Pangasinan and I did not even know who my neighbors were. I didn't have any friends, only my cousins, and I have started going out with them. Alberto's, Gimbals. The Divah was about to be born. :)



One Year Ago:

I had a great job, I had great friends. Come to think of it I still have it! I was already part of the Junior Management of my account in PeopleSupport.



One month ago:

Had all my hair shaved. It has been a month and I can already pull my hair. I decided to shave everything off because I am trying to grow most of my hair back - talk about thinning hair at my very young age...



Five Snacks:
1. Tempura chips - I can't get enough of the yummy shrimp taste.
2. Chocolates
3. Siopao!
4. Krispy Kreme Donuts (glazed)
5. Ensaymada

Five Songs I Know All the Words To:
1. Most Spice Girls songs
2. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
3. I love You Goodbye by Nina/Celine Dion
4. Most Mariah Carey Songs
5. Get Far Shining Star

Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy my parents a house.
2. Buy my own house.
3. Buy my brother a business.
4. Create my own fashion line.
5. Travel the world with my family.

Five Places to Run Away To:
1. To the Beach!
2. Any coffee shop.
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. I'd love to go to Europe. :)
5. Bora bora? :)

Five Favorite TV Shows:
1. Sex and the City
2. Gossip Girl
3. America's Next Top Model
4. Project Runway - too bad they cancelled the new season due to legal reasons.
5. Kay Susan Tayo


Five Greatest Joys:
1. Partying with Friends
2. Weekends
3. Paydays!
4. Having coffee
5. Summer

Thanks Noel!

Inuman 101

Rule number 1: Pag iinom lang sa bahay, wag magsusuot ng bonggang bongga.

Kung hindi naman high end bar ang pupuntahan mo, hindi mo na kailangang pumorma-porma.
Kasi kung may lasing, at nakamini skirt ka, asahan mong may hindi magandang mangyayari. Lalo na kung matagal nang hindi nakakatikim ng luto ng Diyos ang itinutukoy.

Rule number 2: Wag maarte.

Ang pinikpikan ay masarap. Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang pinikpikan, aba, dapat matikman
mo na. Kain sa iisang plato, tagay sa iisang baso. E ano naman kung ang last na nagshot e mukhang hindi nagtutooth brush? At least masaya kayong lahat.

Rule number 3: Wag paimporante.

Pag tinanong ka kung anong gusto mo, sabihin mo agad kung ano ang iniibig mong tirahin. Gin
blue man yan o beer, wag ka nang magiinarte pag wala ka nang iniinom. Feel at home. Lalo na
kung bahay mo nga talaga ang lugar na pinagdadausan ng inuman.

Rule number 4: Uminom lang ng tama.

Ang alak ay nilalagay sa tiyan, hindi sa utak. Pag sobra na sa inom, tumigil muna ng ilang sandali
at namnamin ang hilo. Pag nawala ang tama, uminom ulit. Magsuka kung kinakailangan.

Rule number 5: Maghanda ng asin.

Pag hindi inaasahan, at kailangang mag "body shot", at least alam mo kung nasaan ang asin. Hindi ka na maghahanap ng hindi pa naliligo para lang may madilaang maalat.

Rule number 6: Pag niyayang sumayaw, wag nang magpakipot.

Hindi na uso ang pagirl. Lalo na kung crush mo na ang nagyayang sumayaw.

Rule number 7: Makijam lang sa mga lasing.

Lasing sila, at kahit na sabihin pang wala na sila sa sarili nila alam pa rin nila ang ginagawa nila. So, kung may nasabi nilang nakakasakit, o kung natapakan nila ang paa mo, o kung nasapak ka nila ng hindi sinasadya, hayaan mo na. Bumawi ka na lang next time.

Rule number 8: Ang pulutan ay hindi ulam.

Wag maghanap ng kanin.

Rule number 9: Hindi pulutan ang kasamang umiinom.

Pwera na lang kung masarap talaga siya, saka ka maghanap ng kanin. :)

Rule number 10: Magpasalamat sa nagpainom.

Pwede ding hindi - kung ikaw ang nagpainom.

INUMAN NA!!! Bottoms Up!!!

Happy Birthday Beaugarte!

Nine Thousand Four Hundred Ninety days.

Two hundred Twenty Seven, Seven Hundred Sixty Hours.

One Million, Three Hundred Sixty Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes.

Eight Hundred Nineteen Million, Nine hundred Thirty Six Thousand Seconds.

Four Nine Billion, One hundred Ninety six Million, One Hundred Sixty Thousand Milliseconds.


That would summarize my entire life once the clock struck midnight this morning.

I was amazed at the speed of time. It was as if it was just yesterday.

I have been counting the blessings that came to my life. And every minute, every second that passed made me who I am today. Exactly who I am today.

26 years of existence. It sure is a lot for me! I mean, I have been in this world for a quarter of a century. And who knows how long I am going to stay alive?

If I was to choose, once again, what age I would go back to, I wouldn't take it. I would stay here, where I am right now. I can say, right now, that I am satisfied. I have everything, and I am happy.

6 years ago, I was sitting on my dormitory bed, thinking it was horrible to even get to 20. 20 was already old for me that time. I wondered what I would be after 5 years. Now here I am. Accomplished and, should I say, successful.

No, I don't have any life savings. I spend my money quite unwisely and I had my share of heartaches, empty stomach and drunken nights. But I refuse to think that my life was a mess. I think my life is just perfect. I don’t want anything more, nor anything less.

The question is, how long am I going to be satisfied? The answer - as long as I want to remain satisfied. For now, I dwell in the happiness that I feel every time I see my friends. I am happy every time I laugh with them. The moments shared will never be replaced by anything in this world.

Many people would ask me if I would redo my life again. In a heartbeat, I would answer I wouldn't. Every scar on my body tells a story, every wrinkle on my face shows who I am suppose to be.

To the people who I love - thank you for being there. Always.

To my mom - if you weren't there that Saturday morning, I wouldn't be where I am today.

To my father - thank you for raising me to who I am. Although you do not readily approve to my choices, I know you love me for who I am.

To my brother - you were there beside me all the time. He can be annoying at times, but it sure beats the hell of being alone in this world.

To my friends - without saying your names out loud I know you know who you are. Thank you for making this lifelong journey worthwhile. For the times that I sought for a family to be with, you were there. I will never forget the memories we had.

I grin like a Cheshire Cat, knowing that the start of the second quarter of the century I live in will be full of surprises. And just like that cheesy novel I really love to read, I know that sometime, someplace, it is going to be a blast.

Umulan Sana ng Pera

Umuulan na naman...

Nakakatuwang isipin na pag umuulan, ayaw nating mabasa. Samantalang kapag taginit naman e gusto natin lagi tayong nakatampisaw sa tubig. Ok lang naman ang konting ambon e. Tapos pag palabas ka na ng bahay, titigil na, parang walang nangyari. Masaya ang mga halaman at tuyo ang outfit.

Narinig mo na ba ang kantang Tuwing Umuulan? Yung kantang ang message e ok lang na umulan basta may kasama ka? Ayoko yung kantang yun. Oo, nakakatuwang pakinggan si Regine Velasquez habang tumitili na parang wala nang kinabukasan, pero pag inisip mo ng maige - may kaagaw ka na ng kumot, madadagdagan pa ang bayad mo sa kuryente dahil dalawang beses nang magpapainit ng ubig na pampaligo. Buti sana kung mayaman ka. E pambili na nga lang ng tuyo e pagiipunan mo pa ng 3 buwan. Wala pang kasamang kanin yun. Kailangan mo pang bumili ng kanin sa karinderya. Sampung piso para sa isang serving ng rice. Ang gagamitin nilang pantakal e yung pangtakal sa gatas ng bata. Mga dalawang ganun.

Isipin mo na lang kung naging halaman tayong lahat.

BAMBOO: "Naku, umuulan na naman, malakas na naman ang hangin, magbebending exercise na naman ako."
PINE TREE: "Hindi ako na kailangan pang magbending."
CACTUS: "TULUNGAN NIYO AKO, NALULUNOD AKO!!"

Hay, ewan ko nga ba. Minsan naiisip ko, pag umuulan, talagang hindi mo mapipigilang magisip.

May naiwan ka bang sampay sa bahay?
Tumutulo ba ang bubong?
May pasok ba ang mga bata?
May bagyo ba?
Kelan kaya titigil ang ulan?
Kailan kaya matututo ng ibang sayaw si Marianne Rivera?

Buti sana kung pera ang nahuhulog mula sa langit. Kung pera yan, aba, baka lahat ng timba ko sa bahay e nakasahod na. Ang problema, pag barya ang nahulog, kailangan magsuot ng protective gear. Baka bukol ang abutin mo, gastos na naman.

Sabi nga ng kaibigan kong itago na lang natin sa pangalan na Fifi Larue, sa sobrang hirap ng buhay, marami ang natututong kumapit sa patalim. Aba, e ikaw ba naman ang ligawan ng mayamang Amerikano, kahit na nakakalbo, go go go na, kahit na wala na itong buhok sa ulo at mas makapal pa ang buhok niya sa dibdib.

Ayan, tumila na ang ulan. Bukas uulan ulit. Sana naman pera na ang bumuhos. Wag lang barya.

Bag of Tricks and Special Devices ala Doraemon

Ang labo naman o.

Sabi mo Summa Cum Laude ka. Pero bakit wrong grammar? Nakalimutan mo ata ang subject-verb agreement mo.

Potah. Ang yabang pa ng pagkakasabi. Kung matalino ka talaga, hindi mo ipagmamayabang yan. Ipinapakita ang katalinuhan, hindi pinagmamayabang.

Parang hidden talent lang na walng kakwenta kwenta. Kung hindi naman kami maaaliw, itago mo na lang.

Taena. Kakairita talaga ang mga taong nagpapanggap. Matalino. Daw. Mayaman. Daw. Gwapo. Sabi ng nanay niya.

Ito ang salamin mula sa aking mahiwagang bag of tricks and special devices (BOTSD) ala DORAEMON.

Tignan mo ang sarili mo. Ito, baka kailangan mo ng "special face changer" mula sa aking bag of tricks. Baka sakaling magmukha kang tao.

Ito pa ang "location changer" para makarating ka sa ibang bansa. Baka sakaling makarating ka ng States na walang VISA.

Kung hindi siya gumana, ito, kunin mo, ang limang piso. MAGHANAP KANG TAENANG KA NG KAUSAP MO.

Leche.

Bull

Falling in love.

Some say it is the essance of living in this world. Others disagree, saying they don't need love to live. I, honestly, do not know what side I am on. I mean, I can live without someone to actually love. But every morning, everytime my head hits the pillow, I wonder when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet.

Damn, just like a child fantasizing about their wedding day, I fantasize about meeting someone and clicking with that person - out of the blue, like in a bookstore or a coffee shop. But, unlike children, who harbor that innate hope that someday dreams would come true, I always put this fantasies aside and remember that I am in the real world. No happy ever afters, no wedding cakes, no wedding gowns. For me at least. For a person like me.

I have always dreaded falling in love. I hate the feeling of falling for someone. Maybe I had too many heartbreaks to last a lifetime. Maybe I am just afraid to love because of the fear of rejection, of falling for the wrong person. Someone told me before that it should never be termed aas "falling", but instead "growing". Either way, I do not feel comfortable in the said situation. It is just too much for me to handle.

I have played, several times, with the idea of finally meeting someone who would accept me as who I am. No buts, no ifs. I once thought I found that kind of love. After a couple of weeks I learned never to trust someone who says he will be at Puerto Galera. With his family. During Holy Week. If you are gay and Filipino you would know what I am talking about. HINT : The beach will be full of men - in skimpy trunks.

Another relationship, but this time, when I thought he loved me for who I am, I learned I was number 3. Out of 5. Talk about choices.

So now I spend my days at work, drowning myself in stressful reports and ugly people, in hope that I would have enough money to drown myself in alcohol and loud music at the end of the week.

Gay people without experiences often confuse love with lust. I have passed through that phase as well. I would fall in love easily. And fall out of it easily as well. That was a funny time for me. It was something tha I will never forget, but never will come back to.

Falling in love.

Some people think it is the only way to happiness.

I think that's bull.

Spicy Patar - The Beach

The sand felt so good between my toes.

It didn't really matter if it was warm, or if I was hungry. I just wanted to savor the cool breeze, and feel myself tan under the hot sun.

The beach was blue green, unlike the muddy brackish sea water at the other beaches I have been too (except Pagudpod).

The wind was strong enough to carry our sarongs away, so I held on to mine.

There was a small stream beside the beach, and at the estuary ( I learned a new word today) - where the river water and the sea water mix, was the clearest and cleanest water I have seen.

Spicy Patar - The Journey to Paradise

Hidden Paradise.

I have heard these words so many times before. And I have been fooled many times over. The promise of a stress-free environment has long eluded me, until now.

Di Anne and Van - two of my close friends - and I have been planning to go on a road trip somewhere. It would be just us, in a refreshing and stress-free weekend away from the busy and haggard call center life.

Di Anne suggested that we go to their place, at Bolinao. I have heard so much about the place before - the pristine beaches, the overpriced resorts, and the long trip to that place. Being a fan of road trips, I immediately agreed to join them in a journey to Paradise.

It was Friday afternoon when we started the trip. Van brought along her yummy boyfriend, Joel. It was in his car that we started the exciting road trip.

Going down to Dagupan was a breeze. It was after Dagupan that we started wondering where the hell were we going. Di Anne promised that she remembered the way to Bolinao. We got lost around 3 times. Eventually, we were able to get directions straight, so after a couple of left and right turns, we were back in track.

Travelling is often tiresome. We were hungry, and we wanted to rest our sore bums. We started talking about oysters, and how delicious it would be to cook some Rockefeller oysters, the kind with cheese on top - recipe courtesy of April Dawn De Asis.

We were still in the car, talking about food, when we entered the shortcut to Alaminos. Di Anne mentioned the carps (hito) at Alaminos were yummy, so we stopped at the first restaurant we saw and ordered some fish. After filling our tummies with the grilled slimy fish, we realized that we have not taken any pictures of it yet. So I took my handy cellphone and snapped a pic of what was left of our early dinner.

Next stop, Sual, with a breathtaking view of the South China Sea. We only got to take a few pics with a good backgound, but I would always remember the breathtaking view and fresh breeze. Van even managed to crack a joke, saying she wanted to have a place of her own in the place, and perhaps call it "Sual-salan." Leave it to Van to make sexual innuendos.

Overlooking the Sual Harbor

After more than an hour, we arrived at our destination, Bolinao. We stayed at Di Anne's family's place, and waited until morning to see what we went to Bolinao for - the pristine White Beach of Patar.

Morning came and we had to leave early for the market. At the market place we saw so many seafood, I was salivating over the fresh crabs, tuna, squid and fish of all kind.

The road trip to the beach was fun, we were all excited, like children going to school for the first time. We even stopped at the famously expensive resorts along the way, thinking that it was a nice way to fool people who would ask were we stayed at Bolinao. We can afford them, but we'd rather stick to the budget.

A couple more minutes and we were gazing at the tallest structure we have seen since the start of the trip - the second oldest Light house in the entire Philippines. I do not know what it was named, but the view there was spectacular. The breeze was cool. The climate was fine. It was a good day to take pictures. The lighting was superb.


Di Anne's newest favorite photo at the Lighthouse View Deck

Taking advantage of the superb lighting and view at the Lighthouse View Deck

The second oldest Lighthouse in the Philippines

The beach itself was just 5 minutes away from the lighthouse. It was a public beach, so I did not expect anything fancy.

I put on my sunglasses, and stepped into the white sands of Patar Beach.

I was amazed. For the first time in a very long time, I knew I have seen Paradise.


to be continued...

Good News, Bad News.

"First the bad news," she said, smiling till her cheeks hurt.

I thought it was really bad news. For the person she was talking to, it wasn't. For me, it was. I just wanted to place both of my hands on her neck and wring the life out of her. But hey, wouldn't do it. Couldn't do it.

And I thought it was the end of the world for the guy. He looked so concerned, with eyes piercing into the lady's soul, trying to find out what the secret was about.

She blurted both the bad and the good news in one sentence.

I wanted to end my life then and there.

I mean, I work hard for this company. I really do. They said my efforts would be recognized. WHEN? I want to get out of this hellhole, if not for the fact that I badly need every cent that I get from this place.

Bills to pay, food to purchase. Things I have to think about as the head of the household.

But yet, I really want to break FREE!!

Good news for my colleague turned out to be Bad news for me. Oh well, back to the drawing board...

An Open Letter to the People I Love.

"Can you be in love with someone you haven't seen yet?"

"How far can you go when it comes to loving someone?"

"When will enough be enough?"

"Why me?"

"Why now?"

"Why this?"

______________________

There will always be questions about life. And these questions usually come out only when a heart get broken.

I have always asked myself these questions. And no, I haven't found the answers just yet. If I did I'd probably be a happier person.

These inquiries came out tonight. From people that really mattered to me. And it was so heart breaking that I just had to go away.

I have always avoided bad vibrations. I always believed in finding happiness, in any manner possible, to escape the harshness of reality. People see me as a happy person, someone who would bring light to a darkened room. However, try as I may, I do not always bring the results.

This is an open letter to the people I love. I hope that, when you get to read this, you've has already found what you have been desperately looking for.

_____________________

For you, who have been through a terrible heartache:


Time will come when you'll laugh at what you have done. When you come to your senses, you will realize that letting someone go, no matter how you love them, will bring you happiness - eventually. You will find out that you had to go under terrible gloom because of giving up in something that has long been dead. You have tried everything, you have been faithful, you have been generous. You invested too much that leaving seems like a very pathetic thing to do. But you know what's pathetic? It's staying with someone that you have absolutely nothing in common with. It's staying because you think it is a good idea to hang on, hoping that the other person would realize their mistakes. You'll get out of this heartache, sooner or later. You are a strong person.

___________________

For you, who have chosen to think twice about friendship because of your first love:

There is a reason why it has been called first love. It is the time when you learn. It is the first in a long and winding road of happiness and sadness. It is the one thing that you would always cherish. It will be the basis of your future loves. Charlotte York once said the we only get 2 great loves in our lives. I want to make that my mantra. It is true. Because when you first fall in love, you think it is the greatest thing that happened in your life. But the truth is, something else will come. If the universe makes this an exception to the rule, and you stay with your first love forever, then I would be happy for you. But when you start to choose between your lover and your friends, this is a great mistake. This would be the biggest mistake that you can ever do.

Friend, I love you, you know that. I will always be there whenever you would want to have someone to talk to. However, having the idea that you would leave me, just because of someone you have not seen yet, in person, makes me want to stay away, for a while. We will have time to talk.

___________________

To all, loving someone is the greatest thing that could happen to us. And it would even be greater if that someone loves us back.

But it will take great effort and patience to finally find that special someone. Let us just wait and see.

Becks and Cubao, Quezon City - DAY 3

Manila. Day 3.

With Php 1, 500 left in my wallet, I was beginning to wonder how I could live it out here, in Manila. Would I survive? Would I be able to continue living in certain comfort?

I have done that in Baguio - you know - staying up late and waking up even later. At most times I only have a couple hundred in my pocket, and I will survive. But here, in Manila, even walking would cost me at least 20 pesos. And that does not even include the cab fare, tricab fare, and MRT/LRT fare. Kaya pala laging nagrereklamo ang mga masa. They work a lot, but get a very low salary. And they have to face heat and dirt every day of their lives.

Well, I am going to be one of them now. So help me GOD.

I already got accepted at ACS, Advanced Contact Solutions. Well, I am going to start as an IP Relay agent. I really do not know what the f*ck that means, but I bet it would suck. I love the salary they offered me though. Php 23,000. In Manila that would roughly translate to 1 week in expenses.

I hate the thought of leaving Baguio. But hey! It's just a couple of Months. I'll be back come January. :)

Moving On

When Mr. Big finally bought a penthouse apartment for Shoegal, it took Carrie Bradshaw to pack up 20 years of her life in 3 days, 4 nights and 4 friends.

It took me 4 hours to pack 3 years of my life in 3 bag, 2 boxes and 4 crates.

This situation made me ask myself what exactly happened to my life in 3 years right after I decided to live independently.

It made me sad just to think about the possibility of going to Manila for work. What will I pack? How much time will it take for me to fold all my clothes and my stuff? How many bags will I take? How many accomplishments have I made living independently. I have not asked that question for the longest time. And just like Carrie Bradshaw who took risks, I, too, am now on the point of my life when the real questions comes - when will I be successful? When will I finally say that I am a success? Kinda sad isn't it?

I am 25 years old. A quarter of life has just passed and I am still the same old Chaz. Yeah, I have learned a lot, I have been to many places, but as the song goes, I have never really been to me.

Here comes all the questions.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor. I never became one. My father wanted me to be a lawyer. I didn't become that as well. I finished Accountancy, but I never took the exam. I wanted to be a Psychologist, but I have never even finished one year.

What if I became a doctor? Or a lawyer? An accountant perhaps? or a psychologist?

Will my life be the same? Will I meet the same people who make me happy right now? Will I be successful by 25? Or would I have a million by 30?

It is very funny how life is. We have roads to take, and these roads are there for us, ready to be tread on. But when we are there, at the crossroads, we always have a hard time choosing the right path.

And when we finally take that road, and we suddenly realize that we have made the wrong choice, we cannot go back anymore, since we are already a long way from the starting point.

And now I am back to that crossroad. In the midst of it. Looking at 4 roads that I have to take.

What will I choose? What will I do?

In this point in time, I am going to continue asking myself these questions. And I will be doing these until the end of my life.

I guess that is life, right?

Mamabelz and the Birdie

I was online chatting with an old friend, she mentioned that she had a blog, so we exchanged sites. I was browsing through her posts when my name popped out on the screen. I read the post and it was so funny and real at the same time, I had to copy it and paste it in this blog.

Read on:

__________________________

parenting 101

at 8:24am (lb time), aj noticed my text message. it was a "good morning!" message from chaz (sent at 6:17am, baguio time) attached to a beautiful photo of himself.

aj: "mama, who is chaz?"

me: "friend ni mama...he's gay..."

aj: "i know... what's that? how did he become like that?..." (confused ang bata sa choice of friends ng nanay niya...)

me: (without thinking answered him) "well, he was born with a woman's mind and heart ... ang kaso may birdie siya..."

aj: "e si tito jude?"

me: "ganun din siya..." (i wanted to explain that there is beauty in diversity and i could further expound on statistics about the bell curve, but then he is only 7. the simpler the better for the both of us...)

aj: "si tito zenos? si tito bum?..." (ennumerating all of my gayfriends...)

i simply nodded.

aj: "how come you dont have guy friends? all of them are gay?... do not mention papa's friends, name me one..."

i wanted to name my guy friends but simply thought not to mention them. for fear that i'd get into a heated jealosy fight with my husband over my having associations with "boys" at 8:45 in the morning (lb time)... I wasn't in the mood. and i know him too well...

hay. i'm just trying to educate those i can have control over, and i can only influence so much. i hope, i do a good job of bringing up boys that think of the bigger picture, without them having to be born with a woman's brain or heart. but rather for me to be able to teach them about trust, empathy, confidence, responsibility, assertion without aggression among others.

_____________________________

Bravissima MAMABELZ! You can catch mamabelz at http://mamabelz.blogs.friendster.com/its_like_that/
Birdie talaga? LOLz.

Love you Mamabelz!

The Heart of the Matter

"An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?"

There I was, watching the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. Then this song cues in. It touched my heart.

I thought of you.

And here I am, sitting alone in a n internet shop, looking for words to describe how I feel right.

You said you found someone. That was weeks ago. And it dawned on me, just now, that I still love you. I lost myself in you. For one whole year. Without any assurance of love to come. You did say you love me, on countless occasions. And though there was no clear cut line on the borderline to friendship and love, I remained by your side.

"I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

When I decided to let go of you, I started living my life alone - again - after a long time. Then I would sometimes remember the times we were together. Do you remember the time we were at Camp John Hay? Just you and me? Parked somewhere at dawn, just talking about each other? That was the first time I knew I liked you. Then like grew to love. Then I was stuck. Stuck at loving you. I have been trying to ask myself why I fell for you. Then I had the answer. It was you. You were the very reason I fell in love. And I hate it that I fell in love at the wrong time.

I have to learn again. Slowly let go of my feelings for you. The fact is, I haven't really let you go. Now I really have to.

"I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

I want to really move on. And the only way to get over you is to accept the fact that I will never have you.

I have to forgive myself and continue living my life - alone.

I will scatter the ashes of the love I had for you, together with the memories that I have with you.

Just one last thing before I go:

The Heart of the Matter is, you will always be my One, True, Love.

Pack Rat

I recently had to go back home and live there, leaving my pretty boring independent lifestyle to take care of the house and my brother as my mom slaves in Europe and my dad recovers from "exhaustion". I can't believe that I am back in my own blue room. In fact, even though I thought I wouldn't, I really missed it.

2 years of moving from one apartment to another made me collect some stuff, and while I was packing my things, ready to go home, I realized that I had collected a lot of things, and some of them served as reminder of the tumultuous 2 years that I lived alone.

Empty water cups, signed by a pretty barista in Hacienda Luisita. A receipt of lunch I shared with a special someone. Pictures of lost friends, notes from work. And with a plastic beside me, I sorted my 2 years of independent existence into groups. Things that make me smile, and things that make me sad. I salvaged at least 2 objects that reminded me of happy days. The rest was thrown away.

I have always been a pack rat. I save reminders of special occasions. I even keep memorabilia from events that caused deep heartache and sadness for me.

It took me a week to unpack. And as my 2 years of independent life unfolded before me, I can't help but wonder if my life would still be the same if my dad didn't kick me out just because I was gay.

Would I meet the friends I love so dear? Would I be the person I am today?

I cleaned out my old room and when I opened my dresser, I smiled. There they were, old smut magazines from High School. I used to buy them every week, at Php 15. I kept them under my bed before, in case my dad snoped around.

I opened a few pages and I laughed. If I had known that I would be the person I am before, I wouldn't have bought those smutty magazines.

I guess that is life. It would take you just one object to remind you that you have gone through a lot of changes.

Then it would take just a couple of seconds to decide if you have changed into a better person - or have chosen the darker path of life.

With that in mind, I can only say that if I was given the chance to go back in time and be in high school again, i would still buy those magazines - even if I knew I would be who I am in the future.

Holy Week

It is the Holy Week and when other people frolic on the beach, I stay here, on my mountain, looking for ways to avoid boredom and remain sane. I have always wondered how spending the Holy Week would be, working up a tan and drowning my angst on the clear, turquoise waters. Maybe next year.

Now that the dreaded Panagbenga season is over, I am quite disappointed that I still see a lot of people that do not really have to be here. In fairness, there are a lot of cute hunks. But other than the eye candy strewn all over Session, I'd still want to walk around town without the heavy traffic jam and annoying tourists. Maybe it is about time they created an official Cordilleran ID. If you don't have one then ride the next bus off to wherever you were from. That wouldn't happen though. Baguio City happens to be the Summer Capital of the Philippines. It still is even though the streets are dirty, the fog has been replaced with early morning smog, and the city smells like Kimchi.

Maybe the City Government needs a wake up call.

When I was a child, I was brought up knowing that Holy Week was to commemorate the death of Christ. Now, I believe it is time for everyone to remember why they are still alive - a time for reflection. I did that this morning. Then I woke up realizing that I fell asleep while thinking about my life. I live a pretty normal life - work, friends and sex makes me preoccupied (funny how Jesus and sex have been used in a paragraph). Yeah, pretty normal - and BORING - if you ask me...

Just a couple more days and it would be April. Wow. Talk about time flying by so fast. I can vividly remember how I spent the New Year. Wouldn't do that next year.

Anyway, it is one in the morning Manila time, and I need to catch up on some zzz's. Last day of my leave, will be going back to work tomorrow.

Au revoir for now!

Promiscuous

What is promiscuity?

Here is a definition of the word promiscuous from Merriam Webster:

promiscuous

Main Entry:

pro·mis·cu·ous

Pronunciation:

\prə-ˈmis-kyə-wəs\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Latin promiscuus, from pro- forth + miscēre to mix — more at pro-, mix

Date:

1601

1 : composed of all sorts of persons or things 2 : not restricted to one class, sort, or person : indiscriminate promiscuous distribution of diplomas — Norman Cousins> 3 : not restricted to one sexual partner 4 : casual, irregular <promiscuous eating habits>

From the root word of promiscuity, I realized that I am, indeed, a promiscuous person. But that does not change who I really am.

I had a lot of relationships before. But unlike others, I treasured each one of them. Each time I find someone to love, my whole world stops. Like a car losing control while you are driving 100 kph at the edge of a cliff.

My heart stops, completely, and I give in.

BUT - when I am not involved with anyone, I lose control. Thus the description PROMISCUOUS.

Am I a B*tch? Definitely. There is no denying that that word is a perfect definition for me. I do not care what others may say or feel. But I am. And in a very weird and fascinating way, I love b*tching around.

I have been a saint before. Now I ain't all that. What's funny is that I think SEX is just SEX! No amount of love should be involved. Of course, this is just my opinion. That is why I do not really care what other people think.

I am what I am. And what I am is a special creation.

I am my own religion.

I love myself.

I am promiscuous.

Why Not?

Christmas came and went, and I never really found the need to tell everyone how it went. So in case you are wondering where I spent my Christmas, let's just say I celebrated it in my own way. I attended parties left and right, just to get me through the season. I am sure glad that is over.

2008 is a very promising year for me. This year I think I will fulfill some of my dreams. Maybe this year I would get to ride a plane. Maybe I would experience riding a boat to somewhere like Palawan. Maybe. But I am sure I will not be stuck on top of this mountain. It is time for me to go where I want to go. Life is starting to get a bit boring.

Stress has always been part of my vocabulary since I have started working in the Contact Center business. So I guess I have accepted it as part of my daily existence. What I am having a hard time, though, are people who think they are better than everyone else. I understand, I think I am better than some people. But not to the point of actually being a "know it all". Close friends in the office know who I am talking about. And since that person does not have any social life, much more a connection to the outside world via Internet, I guess it would be safe to assume that that person wouldn't know how I loathe "it".

I am not a hater. As much as possible I make sure that I have good relations with everyone. What makes me really hate some people is when they are pretentious. I hate that. I have never been pretentious in my entire life. I would tell everyone about what I feel, no matter what consequences this may bring to me.

I used to love going to work. It was my haven when I want to get away from the real world. But now every time I sit in front of my workstation, I realize that there is more for me out there. I have been trying to think hard about not resigning, but now that I have come to the point where just the thought of work makes me stressed, I am beginning to think otherwise.

I want to be someone else, someone who is seen by others as a free spirit. I have been that before. I want to be that again.

This year will definitely bring a lot of changes for me. I am now fully aware that I have no savings, and that I need a huge amount of moolah to get me out of that hellhole. I managed before. I can manage now.

I am just scared that I may not be able to follow through. I have read my journals before and realized that some of my plans have not even materialized. It is definitely time to come out of my cocoon, and, as what the Buenavista family say, "put my first footstep in the moon".

There is always something beyond the dark skies.

And, as the saying goes, "WHY NOT?"